What If…

I have a character who intrigues me.  Have you ever wondered what you’d do if you could start your life over– completely?  Ella gets that chance unexpectedly and the results are interesting.  To her, she is who she is now– she always has been.  It is as if her real self has come forward and now has a chance to shine. The problem is, the others in her life do not know that person.  Daily she says or does something that confuses them, frustrates them, or causes some sort of contention with them.

I’ve “reinvented” my life a million times, but not certainly not to the degree that Ella did.  I remember the day I woke up and realized I was going to learn to hate sewing if I didn’t change the number of hours I spent at it per day.  That doesn’t sound like reinventing a life, but when the bulk of your days was spent sewing, cutting, planning, or processing orders, you have to admit that it is.

Some things are non-negotiables.  I am a Christian.  No changes in how I live my life can conflict with that.  My choices, decisions, and priorities must align with God’s Word.  I WANT my life to reflect that the Lord of it is Jesus.  It’s not easy, but it’s simple.  If I’m going to make changes in my life, the first ones should narrow my focus from myself and to my Lord.

I am a wife.  I am my husband’s “helper” according to scripture.  For the first 23 years of our marriage, I have been blessed to have a husband who spent much of his free time doing my job for me– helping me.  Well, I think the time has come for change.  It’s time for me to pick up some of the slack that I’ve left over the years.  Don’t get me wrong.  I do a lot around here– much more than even I think of at times.  I am just talking about embracing that “helper” role instead of “getting ‘er done.”  This non-negotiable cannot be crowded out by the rest of life anymore.

I have nine children.  Nine.  Yes, one is married with two of her own children and another one slated to appear in April/May.  One is off at the University of Irvine–three hours away.  I have two more adults at home and five minors.  Just because some of my children are grown doesn’t mean my job is done with them.  They aren’t dolls.  You don’t sew and stuff and paint them until they’re finished and then put them on shelf to admire.  If anything, sometimes I think your older children need you more than ever.  I’m a mom.  It’s part of who I am but I think I need to be MORE of a mom– somehow.  That’s a non-negotiable.  I can’t set that aside and I wouldn’t want to.

I’ve really wrestled with this but home education is definitely a non-negotiable for me.  Would I like to feel free to “outsource” our children’s education?  Absolutely.  There are days it is my daydream– long mornings and afternoons with no one around but myself.  No planning, correcting, or working with a student that just doesn’t get something.  The problem is, I can’t do it.  I just can’t.  It’s not negotiable.

If what I decide what I want to do and be conflicts with who I am as a Christian, a wife, a mom, or a home educator, it can’t happen.  It just can’t.

The real question then begs, what I can I decide?  What– blended in with the four things I cannot and will not supersede–will I do?  Who will I grow into in these next years?

I’m eager to see.  Ella had the advantage of an author who could mold the story to fit the will of her character.  I have the superior advantage to have an Author who is able to mold me to His will.  I’m fascinated by the concept.

“First Day of the Rest of Your Life”

I’ve heard that saying for so many years.  It’s really kind of cliched now, but I can’t help loving it.  Today.  Right now.  It’s the first day of the rest of your life.  It may be your last too!  Who knows.  But so many of us have a thing about the new– fresh.  We like new calendars, new notebooks, new planners, new hobbies, new books, dolls, and cars (for the scent don’tcha know).

So, with a new outlook ahead of us, why not embrace it?

Well, right now, it feels as if my life has changed– forever.  And that’s ok.  However, if it’s going to be very different, why not embrace that and live it purposefully?  Ok, look, I do that a lot anyway.  I mean, there are a lot of things I do simply because I want to look back on my life 40 years from now, and have no regrets– at least on the past 40 years!  So, for some time now, I’ve been careful about what I do and when.  However, in planning for these changes, I decided to– well– plan!

Throughout my life, I’ve gone through times when a schedule would have broken me and other times when it rescued me from myself.  I’m now in the latter times… so to speak.

I made a schedule– just for me.  On it, I included time slots for things like

• Showering
• Eating
• Cleaning (specific rooms/areas on specific days)
• Educating the children
• Shopping (ugh)
• Exercise (double ugh)
• Computer work (plans, computer clean up, lists, etc)
• Hobbies
• Blogging
• Home projects (maybe things like Roman Shades will get done, eh?)
• Writing
• Writing
• and more Writing
• Christmas Presents (yep… scheduled work on ’em separate from hobbies.  Gee, I feel brilliant)

There’s more, but you get the gist.  I got specific.  Things like Housework have specific things to do on each day.  Reminders to go inspect everyone’s sheets (I’m makin’ those for them too) and so forth.  I have special segments for “pleasure writing” (working on whatever I want) “project writing” (the current primary book), “750 words writing”  exactly what it says… that changes from more on pleasure to a journal of sorts and even to different projects for the fun of it.  I have sections for working on blog design, book covers, and articles for CanAm Author Services.  Yes… more work.  I love it.

That’s what I learned about myself in this process.  I really do love work.  I am a very lazy person by nature.  I am.  I know it.  But I also love work when I know what I need to do and I want to get it done.  So, I scheduled my life to take ALL of that into consideration.

I wrote my schedule into Excel.  Each type of  work is given a specific color so that I can look at it and see all the “green” and have proof for myself that I did do active things that day.  I can look at yellow and be reminded that my kids were educated.  I can look at pink and see the huge chunks of time that food procurement, preparation, and partaking of really takes.  I can flip to another sheet and see the week’s menus (complete with suggestions for desserts.  I don’t make those desserts every day, but the ideas are there in case I feel like we might want a treat but my brain is too dead to think of one.  WOOT.)   Look, does it mean I’m going to follow the “script” perfectly every day?  Not hardly.  However, particularly on days when I am exhausted, I have something to tell me what to do and when.  It works.

I’ve been using it for two weeks now.  Have I done a full day exactly as I need to?  Nope.  But I’ve done a lot more on days that I would have done nothing.  That’s cool.

I have a lot to do and not much time to do it.  I have a lot on my plate and the plate got bigger recently.  This might help me eat that plate of elephants one bit at a time.

Lessons du Jour

Today, I bought a new Kindle book at the recommendation of a friend and started reading.  To be honest, I wasn’t excited about it, but I thought maybe it’d be a good lesson for me– that I’d learn things.  The book?  Outlining Your Novel:  Map Your Way to Success by K.M. Weiland.  I don’t write with an outline– rather, before I read this book, I didn’t think I did.  guess what?  I do.  As I read through this, I tried to figure out how I’d do all the things that she suggested.  So, I started thinking it through with one of my books.  I had it all.  I even had the tossed ideas.  I couldn’t believe it, but the truth I realized is that I do this.  I do it all.  It is absolutely frightening to realize how intricate the lives of my characters are and just how much about them I know.

The author writes this book as if without this information, you’d have holes in your characters’ psyche.  I didn’t get it.  I mean, my characters seem to act according to who they are.  Once in a while I’m surprised by their behavior, but when I think about it, it all makes sense after all.  The reason being, people are not 100% consistent.  We all have quirky flaws.  Well, so do my characters and I always thought I was surprised by them, but I’m not.  I’m stunned.  Absolutely stunned.  I thought I was a a “go with the flow” writer.  I really thought I sat down and “transcribed” my characters’ stories.  I mean, that’s what it seemed like.  Alas, all that information really is in an outline– it’s just all in my head.

I’m writing my next series following this gal’s plan of action.  After all, I know it works.  However, this time, I’m putting it on paper.  I want to see what happens with it.  I’m curious.

Have I always been an inner outliner?  I don’t know.  I have always thought that my one “deliberate” outlined story, Thirty Days Hath…, would have had a completely different ending if I had not set who he ended up with in “stone” before I started the story.  You know what?  It’s not true.  I believed it because I know where I wanted to take the story when I got to month two.  I wanted him to end up with Christine.  I loved her.  I loved them.  It was all so very perfect with her.  But you know what?  Being very realistic about it– no.  It was never possible.  The book would have ended at forty-thousand words, there would have been quite a few women who were promised a month who never got it, and what would have happened if– well, some of those questions give away the ending.  Can’t have that out there.  LOL.

This year’s NaNo is a complicated story.  There are several motivators, interesting places, and it is all steering to one general location.  I really have a lot to accomplish with it.  Additionally, I really do not want to publish book one until book three is half done.  This is because I do not want to publish book two until book four is half done and so forth.  Having finished my first series and about to finish my second, I’ve learned that I really want the next book done before I publish the last.  I do not like it when time makes people wait.

Additionally, I want to end this book knowing that I have eked out every single bit from this story that I can.  I want the readers to be swept along with ship, cresting waves and then crashing down when the characters do.  The intricate intertwinings of plots will necessitate lots of foreshadowing and appropriate use of back story at perfect places.  I really think that if I am not very careful, this will turn out to be a very mediocre story.  I don’t want that.  I want a very strong solid story.

I learned a lot from this book.  That is what I want.  So often, I read books about writing and walk away from them with the feeling that I just wasted my time when I could have been writing.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not think I know all there is to know.  I know I have much to learn.  However, too many books rehash what other books have said and often without giving it a fresh outlook to make what we should have “gotten” in previous reads alive in this one.  I think I just “click” with this writer.  So, I second the recommendation.  Get the book and, while you’re at it, start following her checklists.  I bet you’ll learn things about yourself and your characters that you didn’t know you knew!

My Thoughts on the Facebook Changes…

I have written several message board posts, and probably blog posts for that matter, on being a good “guest” in someone’s “home.” By home, I am referring to a blog, message board, or some other place where people are welcomed to enjoy a person or organization’s cyber-hospitality. I consider it rude to show up on someone’s blog and complain about the graphics, the music, or the inability to comment in order to win a prize on said blog. It is rude to attack the thoughts of the blog person. To discuss different opinions when invited– sure! I think that’s perfectly acceptable. However, when a woman posts her birth story to share with friends and family and one person thinks it is ok to bash her for having been so stupid as to allow xyz intervention or for NOT having xyz intervention, that’s just poor manners. You don’t go into someone’s home, enjoy the conversation, the refreshments, and then inform her that she is wrong to offer margarine rather than butter. It’s wrong to tell her that her music choices are substandard or that she really should update the fixtures in the bathroom.Well, the same is true of a blog, message board, or similar things.

Now, people who know me know two things about me.

1. I despise music on blogs. If I click on a blog and there is music, 99.9% of the time, I will click the back button so fast it isn’t funny.

2. I cannot consistently post comments on blogger blogs. I do not like blogger. To get a comment to go through usually takes half a dozen tries if it appears at all. It’s very discouraging. I want to comment– and can’t.

Now, how do people know this about me if it’s rude to complain about the hospitality offered? Well, because they asked! The truth is that if you ask my opinion, you’d better want it. I’m not going to pretend to like what I don’t when you’re asking what I think. However, I’m not going to offer it, unsolicited, as a general rule (I am sure the occasion exists when I might– I just can’t think of one.)

So, with this opinion, you’d think I’m opposed to complaining about the recent (and past) Facebook changes. Well, at first I was. At first it really did seem as if it was being an ungracious guest. I think I’ve even posted about it. I disagree with that now. Sometime around the last change, it occurred to me that Facebook isn’t a charity. It isn’t someone’s home. They aren’t inviting us in as guests. They are making money from us– if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be there. Facebook is not in the business of providing hospitality to the world without receiving an income from it. They are a multi-billion dollar COMPANY. Because of this, objecting to changes in the service they provide is, in my opinion, a legitimate activity.

There is nothing wrong with me telling Wal-mart that I think cutting back the craft’s department is a bad idea. There’s nothing wrong with me writing Taco Bell to tell them I am unhappy with my Strawberry Fruitista tasting like a strawberry pina-colada one. If I wanted that combo, I would have ordered it. There’s nothing wrong with requesting a store carry certain items and there’s nothing wrong with requesting that they NOT carry them.  There are stores I do not shop in due to poor customer service or my unwillingness to spend my dollars there.

The same is true of Facebook. I do not like the new format. In fact, I dislike it so much that I intend to settle into Google+ unless Facebook rids itself of the obnoxious things it has implemented OR gives me the option to opt out. I know of many others who are considering the same thing. With that in mind, I think it is only RIGHT to let Facebook know of our displeasure. Facebook is an odd sort of interface though. The shell.. the bulk of it is a company and as such, we are the consumers. However, within that company, there are little mini-entities. Almost like, forgive the redneck analogy, Facebook is a trailer park and each member is a trailer. Inside our individual trailers, we feel free to express our opinions, but we don’t expect our friends to come over and attack us. In that sense, our “wall” is more like a blog than a part of a company. Because of that, when I disagree with someone on Facebook, I do try to keep it to the kind of conversational disagreement I’d feel free to have with them in their home. Because my wall is my own “abode” within the “park” of Facebook, I feel free to express my opinion of how the park managers are running the place. I’ve voiced my complaints with them, and now I may wish to talk about it with friends. I won’t go to their wall and attack them for liking the new setup. I hope they show me the same courtesy if they hear me say, in my house, that I don’t like it.

So, what is all this rambling really about? It’s about me saying that I understand that some like the new things and others don’t. For those who do, please allow those of us who don’t, the privilege of expressing our own opinions in our own little corners of Facebook. For those who don’t, let’s show the same courtesy towards those who do. Attacking someone for their preferences on their wall is just rude. And complaining about the services offered by a company in the business of trying to make a profit is not a rejection of benevolent hospitality. It’s just good business for them to consider our likes and dislikes and they can’t do that if we don’t express them.

Dear Young Mothers…

You get a lot of advice– most of it unasked for, I’m sure.  Well, that’s how it was back when I was a new mother.  From how often to say, “I love you,” to how often to bathe the kid in winter, I had advice coming out my ears.  I knew that I was supposed to take time to spend in the Word, don’t forget to pray, and be consistent in everything so that I didn’t confuse the kid with my inconstancy.  I knew that “breast is best” and that I should read to my baby often.
One thing no one told me was the one thing I wish someone had really impressed on me.  Lose the after baby weight.  It isn’t unimportant.  It can’t wait until the baby is older.  I really wish someone had said, “Lose it as soon as it’s safe.  Make it a priority.”
By the time someone did say that to me, I was older and had half a dozen kids.  Additionally, I had ten pounds per kid to prove it hanging about my gut and my hips.  Even then, I’d heard about how my body was a sacrifice to the Lord and I needed to accept that it’d never be the same.  You know what?  That is true.  However, I needed to hear the rest of it– that just because my body will never be the same does not mean that it should be allowed to wither and become unhealthy.  I needed to hear that at forty or fifty I’d be struggling to lose every pound and that my health would dictate it.  Yes, I knew that being overweight was unhealthy.  I knew it led to lots of unhealthy conditions, but let’s face it.  I was either pregnant or nursing for the first fifteen years of our marriage.  FIFTEEN YEARS of nearly always pregnant or nursing full time.  Sleep deprivation, busyness, time constraints… it just didn’t seem that important.  I had more important things– eternal things–to do.  Rear children, be a helper for my husband, grow in Christ.  I did not have time for physical exercise.
Sigh.  You know what?  I should have made the time.  After every baby, part of my responsibility TO MY FAMILY should have been working to increase my metabolism, to paying attention to what I ate and WHEN, and to work off those pounds.  I know my body doesn’t work the same as a lot of people’s.  You see, where most people limit calories to lose weight, I lose when I eat more.  I know CALORIE consumption is not the problem.  I need more exercise and probably certain supplements and/or foods.  I’ve learned this in the past five to ten years.  I needed to learn this (or do things to prevent it) way back after the first baby when the weight didn’t come off.
If I had it to do over again, and I DO remember what life was like back then, I’d make me do things that would promote a healthy weight and health in general.  You always think you can start tomorrow.  Songs and poems remind us– tomorrow never comes.  Annie lied.  It’s not “only a day away.”  Tomorrow is ALWAYS a day away.  Do it today.
I picture my life as a new young mom very different now than I did back when I was one.  Now I see myself with a toddler and an infant, and I make myself walk every evening just as the sun goes down regardless of the heat, wind, or cold.  If it was at dinner time, dinner time would change.  If I had to take the kids with me, they’d come.  If I needed to put on a video the minute they went to bed, then so be it.  I’d read fewer books, sew fewer outfits, make fewer dolls, attend fewer craft fairs, and quit trying to add a few dollars to our coffers and instead, I’d work harder at how I didn’t spend the dollars we have frivolously and work on tending my children, my home, my husband, my spiritual life– and my health.  I’d pay very close attention to my health.  It’s a kindness to your family.
Young mothers, it’s not too late.  Even if you have twenty, forty, a hundred, two hundred pounds to lose, get help that FITS YOU and do it.  Do it safely, do it wisely, but do it.  You will not regret it.  Don’t look back and realize that your family is suffering today for the choices you made ten years ago.
I’m begging you.

Observer

I saw you.  I know you weren’t doing it “to be seen” but I did.  I don’t know who else might have– I love that you didn’t try to hide it.  There you stood in the produce department, pushing a cart with a little boy in it and with two more little boys around your legs.  It was amazing to watch.  Frankly, I don’t see that very often anymore– dads out with their kids, in the produce department no less.  However, that is not what impressed me.
So, what was it?  Your awareness of them while you still enjoyed them and did your errand.  You bagged your lettuce, corrected one son, delivered a single swat and a word of reproof to another one, and without missing a beat.  There was no anger, no ugliness, no haphazard reaction.  You also didn’t do what most dads I see do; you didn’t wait until your son became obnoxious.  You corrected him, he didn’t listen, you gave a swat.  It was automatic, unconscious, and yet deliberate.  In this day of fearfulness in being forthright with our kids, you did it without thinking about it– or at least that’s how it seemed.
It was beautiful.  By the time I chose my bag of Spring Mix veggies and turned around, you were all laughing– the perfect picture of how discipline doesn’t have to be heavy or ugly.  Your son was happy and secure knowing that his father loved him.
I also have to say that it was refreshing not to have to hear the correction.  I have no idea what your son did.  It wasn’t a tantrum, it wasn’t unkind or ugly– not in any way I could see– but it was most definitely something wrong.  It was evident that you weren’t going to scold a child for doing nothing.
Too often, I go into a store and hear (from several aisles over) some parent (often a mother– interesting, isn’t it?) shouting threats at her child.  She berates him, demands he stop his tantrum (and the kid is usually either totally silent or trying to drown out mom with his own verbal battle)  and threatens him with loss of toy, treat, limb, or life.  The language she uses will be hurled back in her face in just a few short years (if it takes that long) and she’ll wonder why he thinks he can talk to her like that.  Why indeed.
With rage barely contained, she’ll weave up and down the aisles, subjecting the entire store to her tirade (proving that she’s “taking care of it maybe”) before she checks out and drags the kid, kicking and screaming, from the store.  We’ll all sigh collectively and then shake our heads.
However, no one will even think of calling the police on that abusive parent.  Her horrible words, her entire demeanor that screams, “I don’t like you or want you– you disgust me” is perfectly acceptable.  However, had she dared to say quietly, “Stop your fussing right now” and–horrors!–delivered one stinging swat to his upper thigh for emphasis, she’d have to wonder if she’d be led from the store in handcuffs.
I understand that at present, people fear repercussions for being “the parent” in public.  Scolding a child (as opposed to screaming their heads off to make a scene and prove “who’s boss”), even the swat– it was exactly what this society needs.  Fearfulness is taking over Americans.  We fear “the village” and its idiots who set themselves up as advocates for poorly behaved children masquerading as tyrants. You were another brick built in the wall that separates family from state.  We are not under state rule but under state protection.  Thank you for standing up for that with your actions.
However, what I loved most was your interaction with your sons.  They truly love you.  I saw it in their eyes, in their laughter, and in the way they were absolutely at ease in your presence.  Being out with Daddy wasn’t just a treat– it was a common occurrence that FEELS like a treat to them.  That is beautiful fathering.  Thank you.
You  know, I wanted to stop and say something– thank you not only for not dragging all of us into your private corrective moment but also for taking the time to make it, but I didn’t want to embarrass you or your son.  You got in line behind me.  I got to see you interacting with your youngest while the other two went on some errand for you.  You know– that son who less than five minutes earlier had a stinging reminder to his backside that you won’t put up with his shenanigans?  Yeah.  Well, guess what.  Obviously, you’ve done your job well if you can trust him away from you so quickly.  You know his strengths, his weaknesses, and how to steer him in line.  I doubt he’ll be the kid that I cringe to see at the movie theater or bagging my groceries fifteen years from now.  He’ll probably be just like the nice kid who bagged them today.  Pleasant, helpful, and respectful.  Thank you for that.  Thank you very much.

Walk Around the Path Tonight…

Gonna walk, walk, walk, ’til I’ am light, gonna walk gonna walk down the path tonight!

Ok.  It works.  Movin’ on.  (Pun intended)

Tuesday- I have a walking buddy.  I call him Max.  He’s a cute little bunny that can’t be more than a couple of months old– max.    That’s not where he got his name, btw.  Max lives down at the opposite end of my walk from where I start.  He gambols alongside me for a few dozen yards every time I’m near his hideout…  Unlike the other rabbits that dart back and forth across the path, this guy hops alongside me until I’ve gone too far for him and then turns around and goes back.  Sometimes I see him twice, but not every time.

Wednesday- Walked with Challice after card class again.  Three miles!  WOOHOO!  It’s always a lot of fun having that time just to walk and talk.  Grown kids are cool.  Just sayin’.

Thursday- I walked with Kevin tonight.  That was pretty cool.  I got another three miles in as well.  Not sure what

Friday- Again, I walked with Kevin.  It’s pretty nice to have that time just to walk along and talk with him.  I’m sure he’s sick to death of my chattering, but he seems to put up with it well.  I like it.  It’s pretty slow moving for him.  I try to keep it at a pace that doesn’t cause shin pain don’tcha know.

Saturday- Three nights with Kevin in a row.  Talk about wonderful!  And I hit 82 miles today.  WOOHOO.  That’s some pretty cool walkin’!    I expected it to be very hot and miserable by now, but so far, since walking away from the house anyway, I haven’t come home with a red face once!  I started off with them, but I’m guessing it had to do with stamina issues and suchlike.

Sunday- I started off seeing my little bunny friend.  Max was at the beginning of the path.  I couldn’t believe it.  He hopped along for quite a bit, but alas, I don’t think he was quite as comfortable at the head of the trail as he is at the other end.  The baby siblings were there too.  🙂   And, another 3 miles!

Monday- WOOHOO!  Another week down and another bunch of miles done.  Only twelve miles to go!  WOOHOO.

I’m Walkin’, Yes Indeed…

Ok, yeah, I’ve got song issues.  It’s who I am.   Oh well.

Tuesday-  Two miles.  It was nice.  Cool fresh walk.  Love the moonlight.

Wednesday-  Three miles!  I saw tons of people out.  It’s another reminder why I like to walk later.  I don’t like running into people.  It’s annoying.  Just sayin’.  However, on my second pass, two young girls asked to use my cell phone.  I let them.  They needed a ride.  I’d been debating whether to make a third pass or not, so by the time I got to my last quarter mile before hitting two, I decided to grab twenty dollars from my purse and if they were there when I went back, I’d have them call a cab.  Their ride must have come, because by the time I got back, they were gone.  And I did three miles thanks to them!  Woohoo!

Thursday-  WIND.  Horrible wind.  Fought not to run while walking one direction and fought to make it back while walking the other.  I went two miles.  I don’t think I’d have survived three.  It was brutal.

Friday–  Thanks to stomach upset, I chose not to walk.  Turns out, I could have gone.  Murphy is alive and well and trying to sabotage my exercise efforts.

Saturday-  Two miles.  I just love walking at night.  I’m kind of bummed that we had cloud cover that kept hiding the moon… it’s so big and bright… and the clouds hide it.  Grr.

Sunday-  My left shin started to hurt.  I wasn’t sure about it, so I only went a mile and a half.  turns out, I think I could have gone a full two for sure.  🙂

Monday-  Oh, got smart about this walking thing.  See, tonight I didn’t want to walk.  I got out there and was ready to quit at the beginning.  So, when I got to the half mile point, I walked the quarter mile back, turned around, and returned to the halfway mark again.  That way, I couldn’t quit at a mile.  Two and a half… almost went for that other half, but I didn’t.

 

Oh, and a nice side effect to walking at night?  I’m learning interesting things about lunar cycles.  Woohoo!

Walk Like a…

Walk like a mom, talk like a mom… get this body in shape!

Tuesday-  I actually went a little stir-crazy.  That’s a good feeling.  I want to walk.  I enjoy getting out there, under the stars.  I like walking in the inky blackness.  There’s a moon now.  I want to enjoy it.

Wednesday- Well, I made it a mile.  at about .8 of a mile, it started to hurt just a little, but I never got to the limp thing.  that’s good anyway, eh?

Thursday-  One measley mile again.  I never got to true pain.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it feels like I am back at square one.  Eking out one mile at a time all over again.  Sigh.

Friday- I’m excited to report that again, I only did one mile.  why am I excited, you ask?  I’ll tell you!  Because I am certain I could have gone another half at least.  Maybe two full miles.  I didn’t even have a twinge of shin pain.  Zippo.  Nada.  Nuttin.  Why didn’t I keep going?  Well, I think I’m learning something… finally.  There is a time for everything under heaven… a time to push and a time to pull.  Tonight, I didn’t push so I wouldn’t pull.  🙂  Pretty proud of myself.  Tomorrow, however…

Saturday- YAY!  Today is a double accomplishment!  I made it to the halfway mark and I bumped it back up to two miles all in one night.  So much fun.  I think I could have gone farther, but I made myself take my time.  I don’t want to end up back at one mile again!

Sunday- Ok, call me sad, but I’m jazzed that I’m OVER the halfway mark.  Silly, I know, but it’s cool that my little ticker has higher numbers on the left than on the right.  I’ll take what I can get.  😉  Two miles again.  I’ll stick with that until Monday or Tuesday and then consider going another half or full mile.  🙂

Monday- I walked with Braelyn again– three miles.  Woohoo.  I made myself go slow.  I paid close attention and really worked on it.  Prayerfully, no pain tomorrow.  That’s my goal.

You know, it’s been over a month since I started.  I don’t think I’ve lost any weight.  At most, one or two pounds.  It’s hard to tell.  My weight can fluctuate a full five pounds in the course of the day.  However, my clothes do fit differently.  I can pull on my pants without unzipping or unbuttoning.  New pants that fit just right– they’re baggy now and… yep.  No zipper/buttons needed.  My holster hips keep me from public humiliation with clothes falling off, but hey!  It’s a change.  I jiggle less.  Oh, yes.  I still jiggle.  Trust me.  But it’s less.  🙂

Keep Walking…

Something about the wall… keep walking…. yeah I’m not sure what comes next but it rhymes with wall… It’s plain to see that something, something small… so keep walking, but you won’t knock down our wall!  (I think).  Yeah.  Not trying to knock down any walls.  Jericho is safe from me… unless it should fear my thunder thighs.  Hmmm…

Ok, so I’ve learned a few things in my exercise journey.  First, as a-typical as I can be about a lot of things (including with my asthma no less), I am not the “atypical results” person that they show on commercials for weight loss gurus.   I’m a pretty realistic person.  I figured it’d be weeks or even months before a pound or two disappeared.  However, like all humans, there was that part of me that would have been absolutely overjoyed to wake up two or three weeks into this, pull up m pants, and have them fall right back down.  Yeah.  That sounds pretty amazing.  Well, it’s not going to happen.  Did I think it would?  Nope.  But, there’s always that tiny bit of hope that it’ll happen anyway.  Yeah.  Springy hope is eternally optimistic… and springy.

On a brighter side, while my pants didn’t fall around my ankles due to amazing weight loss, my new jeans do come off without me unbuttoning now. This is definitely good news!  WOOT.

Tuesday-  I didn’t walk.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  Lazy bum and all that.  Well, ya see, we went to LA today.  Yeah.  LA.  You know, the land of the 210, the 5, the 10, and the 14?  I walked up and down a street in San Marino waiting for a tow truck to pick up our ailing vehicle.  I then walked ALL OVER Ikea.  found the items we needed.  Wasn’t sure about the length of one.  Purchased the others.  Walked back to the car.  Checked it.  They’d fit.  Walked BACK to the store, BACK to the self-loading area, got my boxes, and walked BACK TO THE CAR.  Also walked to and from the service department at the car dealer in Lancaster, but considering I was riding with my knees under my chin in order for us to manage to get that long box in the car, I was happy to walk it… nice and slow… anything to prolong the hour and a half of “wishbone position.”  I wasn’t interested in laboring.  I’m not even pregnant!

Wednesday-  Braelyn came home early.  This normally doesn’t mean diddly or squat, but since we are sans vehicle until the lovely service department in Lancaster fixes our car and extorts extracts 2300 bucks from us for the privilege of having said work done.  So, I walked a bit early.  Two lovely miles.  I discovered something since Friday/Saturday/Sunday’s recuperation from the evils of asthmatic smoke inhalation.  It’s a set back.  Huge.  I actually found myself panting… gasping even.  But, I went the two miles and aside from a headache, I’m good.  I’ll take it.  The cool thing about this whole walking thing is what happens in my thought processes.  Sometimes I pray, other times I “write” in my head, but tonight I really went over parts of my life and thought about what I might need to do to make them how I want my life to be.  Coolio.

Thursday-  Another cool night.  I decided that since the car was here, I’d walk a little early again so it’d be warmer.  I wore long sweat type pants and a long sleeved t-shirt.  I was coldish when I got home but fine while I was walking.  This was one of those nights where my thoughts didn’t really help.  It was just boring.  Oh well, boring is good now and then.  Three miles though.  I went three miles!  Since tomorrow we might get home kind of late and I might be tired, that’s probably a good thing.  I was struggling a bit around mile two, but that last half mile was easy peasy.  Really, the last mile was pretty easy.  It’s odd how when you get near the starting place for your last lap, it seems like such a huge undertaking to turn around.  But once you’ve turned and started your last lap, it’s no biggie.  And, the final half mile back is often really the easiest.  Odd…

Friday–  Oh, it was a good day.  I took a walk after dinner with Lorna and Kevin to get shaved ice.  1.5 mile round trip.  Then later, Challice stopped by and decided to walk with me so we did another 2.5 miles.  FOUR miles in a day!  We had a great time chatting and a lovely BBQ steak sandwich afterward.  🙂  I was hungry.  I was also at my lowest weight today since starting.  🙂

Saturday-  Braelyn and I went for a walk tonight.  It was a great time of talking, listening, learning, and just enjoying being with my daughter.  She’s just a lot of fun and I don’t get to spend enough time with my girls now that they’re older, so it was a lot of fun.  Three miles too!  We went early, so there were quite a few people on “my” path.  I do prefer the privacy of the later walks, but it was worth the trade-off to get to spend the time with Braelyn.

Sunday-  Just before I left, I realized that my toe appears to be broken.  I slammed it hard a couple of days ago, and hadn’t really noticed pain with it until tonight when I was pulling on my socks.  I think the swelling is down so it can move and … hurt.  By the time I started walking, it was fine again.  Maybe I just jammed it.  I think it’s broken though.  It feels like my toes do when I break them.  Yeah, I do it every couple of years.  Weird.  Anyway, I walked, making sure I kept my stride normal.  Shins were killing me.  OUCH!  At half a mile, I was wishing I was walking near home again… just a tenth and voila.  Not here…  I had the whole half mile to go.  I didn’t start limping by the end of the mile but it was getting close.  I have NO idea why.  Hopefully tomorrow will be normal again.

Monday-  Another painful night of walking.  One measley mile.  Oh well, that’s one more mile than I would have walked a month ago or so.  That has to count for something.  I’ve thought it through and the only difference is that On Friday I walked with Kevin and Challice.  On Saturday, I walked with Braelyn.  They all have longer legs than I do.  Maybe I was just subconsciously “trying to keep up” and ended up walking faster than usual or took longer strides or something.    Since I was in enough pain that I wasn’t walking normally by the time I got done, tomorrow I won’t walk.  I’ll give the stupid legs the night off, but I don’t want to.  Then again, I don’t want another night of barely a mile walking.  It seems a bit wasteful to drive nearly a mile and a half, walk a mile, and then drive the mile and a half back.  See!  So, maybe after a night off I’ll be back to normal.  Gonna try it anyway.  Dad burn it.

Just Keep Walking, Just Keep Walking, Walking, Walking…

Tuesday- Well, tonight was fun.  Around seven o’clock, I began to get anxious.   I was ready to go.  Weird, I know.  By eight, I was nearly drumming my fingers.   At ten-thirty, I took Nolan to get Fruitistas, dropped him off with them at home, and went to it.  At the end of mile one, I did become concerned that my leg was going to start acting up.  It felt odd somehow.  By 1.25 miles, it was soreish, but more in front.  By 1.5 it started feeling less sore, and by the time I got to my car, it was fine.  Absolutely fine.  WOOHOO.  Whatever it was, it walked out.  I’m thinking my body is rediscovering these odd things called muscles.  Apparently they don’t like to be used when they’ve been allowed to lay around all day and do nothing.  Weird.

Wednesday–  Stamp Club night.  I decided to wear my walking shoes and voila.  I’d save a 2.6 mile round trip to the walkin’ grounds.   Yeah.  Challice decided to walk with me.  Everything would have worked out just Jim Dandy but for a couple of things.  Take note.  If you mix up your routine, make sure you at least pretend you’re doing it the regular way.  I managed to get out of the house without my headband– can you say hair blown in your face thanks to Mariah (that’d be the wind for those of you of limited “Chautona approved” musical education)?  I also forgot the flashlight.  Oh, and to eat dinner.  So, we walked in the dark, talked, chatted, had a great time, and then when she walked home, I drove to Jack-in-the-Box for a Bourbon BBQ Steak and Cheddar Sandwich.  Yummy.

Thursday- I walked.  Yes indeedy.  It was thrilling.  My legs got sore in all new ways but the cool part was…… NO PAIN!  Woohoo!  Rah, rah, sis, boom, bah!  And, I almost went 3 miles and thumbed my nose to caution.  I didn’t.  Be proud of me.  Be very proud.  Snort.

Friday-  Here it gets interesting.  After all, we  can’t make this too easy, now can we?  Oh, no.  Not at all.  It wasn’t the shoes.  My shoes are lovely thankyouverymuch.  It wasn’t the weather.  Windy, sure, but it has been since about September.  So, no biggie.  Had nothing to do with stamina.  I’m building that like crazy.  Love me some stamina.  Sooooo, “What was it?” you ask.  I’m glad you did.  I’ll tell you.  Wildfire.  No, Ridgecrest hasn’t been obliterated from the map.  The fire was about 40 miles or so away.  No, thanks to said wonderful wind, we got smoke.  Lots of smoke.  My lungs burned.  Totally burned.  I gasped, I choked, I nebulized with the best of them.  I guzzled a six pack of Coke.  I kid you not.  Still was dying.  There was a problem too.  Saturday we had a wedding to attend.  150 miles away.  Guess what?  It didn’t look like I was going.  I tried everything.  I did not walk.  That was sad.  Couldn’t have if I’d tried but man did I want to try.  sigh.

Saturday–  The family went to the wedding– well, those who fit in the car did.  I did not go.  Instead, I stayed home and prayed for mercy on our car’s soul… er, I mean engine/transmission/whateverpartswereactingupbythetimehehitPasadena…

Sunday-   Ok, so I only walked a mile.  Sue me.  I figured after all my lungs went through and2days of hardly moving (so tight muscles),that was pretty good.  I wanted to add another half to get my ticker back up to even numbers, but alas, no go.  I walked.  That’s what matters.  It felt good to get out there again.

Monday-  Another night, another walk…  Life is good.  I went for the mile and a half this time.  WOOT.  Nice even ticker now.  No idea if I can walk tomorrow.  We’re headed out of town.  Am I nuts to take my shoes with me in case we have to stay overnight?  Yeah.  I didn’t thikn so.  Then I knew it meant I am.  I am pretty excited though.  I’m over the 30 mark.  69 miles to go.  Exciting stuff.

Increase to Decrease…

It’s funny how sometimes things are opposite of how we “know them.”  We all know the scripture (John 3:30), “He must increase, but I must decrease.”  Well, for me to “decrease” I must increase my distances.

Tuesday- I started walking during daylight hours to get “sun.”  I spend no time in the sun, so I decided to try that.  It works too.  I’m quite happy with it.

Wednesday- My lower right leg didn’t allow me to go a pull .5 or .6 mile, but .4 works.  I managed to get the other 1.6 done just before midnight.    Interestingly, now that the monthly weight increase is gone, I’m at the weight I always am if I am not eating enough and getting no exercise.  241.8.  Soooooooo predictable.  I am trying to remember to eat more too.  I’m sure it will help eventually!

Thursday-  I had stiff muscles today.  I don’t quite know why, but I’ll work on stretching better tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll walk after doing a little housework for more of a warm up or something. My leg muscles are all sore, but it’s that good soreness that comes after work out.  I made it .5 miles  in the sun.  I tried again tonight, and only made it another mile.  I am a little tired of the soreness and pain.  Sigh.

Friday-  Ok, so I spent $120 on new shoes and was eager to test them out.  I made it a mile.  Barely.  The frustration is huge.  I don’t know why I can walk all over the place, in nasty shoes, and still be fine, but I buy official “walking” shoes and pain.  It’s ridiculous.

Saturday-  On the off chance that I have sprained/strained a muscle, I took the day off.  That hurt in a whole new way– pride.  Sigh.

Sunday-  I got desperate.  I decided to try the “walk/bike” path in town to see if maybe it’d be flatter.  It was.  I stopped at 1.5 miles only because I thought MAYBE my legs were starting to act up.  They weren’t, but I didn’t know and I’m glad I didn’t risk it.  Until I’m sure, I’m going to keep being cautious.

Monday-  Two miles.  Yep, I did two miles and probably could have easily gone another half or more.  I thought I should do two miles for a week or so before I bump up more.  I want to be able to continue it.  Woohoo!

I Go Out Walkin’… After Midnight…

Sometimes.  Yeah.  See, my walks are at night.  Usually between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m.  Sometimes around ten.  It varies.  I’m also brilliant at stating the obvious.  Why walk at such a late hour?  Well, solitude for one.  I can usually count the cars out on one hand– and we live on one of the busiest streets in town.  I also like the quiet, the cooler temperatures, and the lack of sun beating on me.  The sun always makes me so ill.

Tuesday- I read about all the troubles with the “Shape-up” style shoes and decided to replace the Dr. Scholl’s once I was using.  I hadn’t wanted them in the first place, but they were the most comfortable ones the store had, so I just deal with them– until a friend told about her friend breaking both ankles while wearing them– and she didn’t FALL!  Another friend mentioned that her mother did the same thing, so after checking out reviews, lawsuits, the works, I decided to wait until the “bugs” were worked out of the design.  So, with new shoes, I went walking.  One of the hardest nights of all.  I so wanted to quit.  Seemed like every bit of me ached.  I was SURE the new shoes would help the side pain, but they didn’t.  Sigh.  See, the side of my lower legs work (straight up from outer ankle to around the middle of the calf has been aching.  Ached even faster this time.  Sigh.

Wednesday- Limped along.  Every night seems to be another, “Do I go?  I’ve gone every night for eight nights… what’s wrong with a simple night off?  Sigh.  Apparently not.  I walked.  Didn’t wanna.  But I walked.

Thursday- I had blisters, aching legs, it was getting cold and I was tired.  I walked anyway.  The good news is that I didn’t need my nebulizer.

Friday- Graduation.  To be honest, I can’t believe I walked it.  I mean, seriously?  After all the hoopla?  But I did.

Saturday- Honestly, it was torture.  I was so tired and the limping began in the beginning.  I really didn’t know what to think.  I almost went home.  I mean, how much pain should you endure to keep going?  Is it worth it?  I didn’t know.  I fought for it though.  Barely finished.

Sunday- Desperation drove me to buy Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts.  I put one in my right shoe only.  It worked.  Worked GREAT.  My leg didn’t ache until the last  lap or two.  In fact, I accidentally walked an extra long lap, so I ended up with half a lap more.  I also realized that I’d hit the point where I didn’t’ wonder if I was going.  It had become a matter of WHEN.  That was huge.

Monday-  After Braelyn’s party, I walked again.  It was hard primarily because my foot is cracked from drying out.  I bought some amazing cream that worked before.  I’m praying it’ll work as well again.  I’m so excited about the blisters being gone!

Tomorrow I start a new aspect of my walk strategy.  I’ve never done well in the sun.  I get very sick in the sun, but I decided to walk either .2 -.6 of a mile during the middle of the day in order to get some sun/Vitamin D etc.  Then, tomorrow night I’m going to ATTEMPT to add a bit of length to the walk so that the day total will either be 1.5-2 miles!  So exciting for me.  I just hope I can do it.  I’m going to try.  I mean, how can you succeed at anything if you never even try!

One Step at a Time~

I can’t imagine how many miles I’ve walked in my life.  As a child, I wandered all over the deserts, towns, and cities where I lived.  I remember even at five years old, walking across the street to play at the playground at the school.  At seven, I walked from our apartment to the park and the store.  At Grandma’s I’d walk to Skaggs, The Christian Emporium, or Bashas.  I walked around the block just because.  In Meiner’s Oaks, I walked to the pool almost daily in summer.  In Ventura, I walked to the beach, to the park… just to walk.  From place to place I went from walking blocks to miles– often.  I’ve always been able to walk almost  indefinitely.  I have never been physically strong or athletic, but I could walk.

Then I spend a year in a recliner.  Do you know what that does to a person’s stamina?  Yeah.  My stamina didn’t have enough oomph to climb into the toilet so I could say it went down.  Gross, but it’s exactly how I felt.  Folding laundry wears me out.  Mop the floor?  Yeah right.  Change the sheets?  I’ll rest for an hour afterward.  Clean the kitchen?  I’ll break out in a sweat in minutes.  This is just so frustrating.  So, I decided to work on it.  One mile at a time.

Last Tuesday night, I got in the car and drove around the block and then set the odometer.  Each block in our area is .10 mile.  That made counting miles easy.  So, I decided to do it.  One mile per day.  I figured if I couldn’t do it, I’d cut back to half a mile, but I was going to try.

Tuesday– By .3 mile, I was breathing hard and didn’t think I’d make it.  By .8, I almost stopped, but there’s that stubborn side of me that refused to give in.  I got home, grabbed my nebulizer, and collapsed on the couch.  However, two minutes into the nebulization, I felt great.

Wednesday-  I didn’t struggle at all until about .7 miles.  By the time I got home, I didn’t need it.  My chest felt funny, but it was fine.

Thursday- By .3 miles, I was really thinking I’d need the nebulizer.  By .8 I was struggling, but after I got home and stretched, I was fine.  You know, I almost did a mid-walk neb.  The difference between exertion and asthma is difficult to ascertain sometimes.  I’m really learning a lot about this condition.

Friday- I got the job done.  It wasn’t as exciting as other days.  I just walked.  I was quite sure that by the end of the first week, I’d be able to bump my distance a tenth or five more.

Saturday-  I struggled.  Oh my, I didn’t think I’d make it until the end.  Came home and nebulized.  I also realized that I’m consistently hungry at the end of my walks.  I was under the understanding that  most people lost their appetite for an hour or two after exercising.  When I get home, I’m ravenous.  It’s a good thing for me.  I don’t eat enough, so it’s nice to be hungry again– just not when I’m too tired to make food.  Time to buy nuts or make a salad before I leave.  Ugh.

Sunday- The hardest day yet.  I don’t know how I managed to finish.  By the time I was at .25, I stopped in the door and gasped, “Can you get the neb ready?”  Some how, I finished.  My leg ached and I iced it.  I gasped through the neb.  To be honest, I was tempted never to do it again.  It seemed a waste and possibly dangerous to keep trying.

Monday-  It looked like rain all day.  I didn’t know how I’d walk if it was raining.  At dinner time, it started.  Thankfully, it quit.  I expected to need the nebulizer, but I didn’t.  I did it.  Seven straight days of one mile per day.

You know, it’s not much.  Not really.  I’m used to so  much more from me, but compared to the past two or three years, it’s huge– very huge.  Now onto week two.

Of Weddings, Drama, and Peace

Tomorrow is my daughter’s fifth anniversary.  Five years ago,  my daughter got married.  I remember that time with much fondness.  You see, my wedding had a lot… a LOT of drama surrounding it.  My daughter’s– not so much.  I really tried hard to keep my opinions out of it.  There were a couple of things I was adamant about (things that had to do with safety and/or keeping guests fed and happy), but for the most part, it was “their day.”   As long as people were safe and fed, I was good.   Drama?  Not really.  I remember being busy but on the way to the wedding, I turned to Kevin and said, “I cannot believe that I’m not stressed!  Busy, sure, but I don’t feel stressed.”  He looked at me like I was nuts.  I think he was stressed!

So, what does that have to do with weddings, drama, and peace?  Well, I’ve noticed that a lot of weddings seem riddled with the drama (Ever hear the word, “Bridezilla?”)  Yeah.  I’ve met a few, but honestly, I have to say, I’ve met more “Momzillas” than “Bridezillas.”  Frankly, compared to Challice with her wedding, my two areas of “interference” were much more “Momzilla” than Challice ever was the bridal counterpart.

I wonder why that is?  Why do moms become so… intense… about weddings?  Honestly, if I didn’t have a holy horror of drama, I can definitely imagine myself losing all sense of reason and becoming an overbearing control freak.  It’s in my nature.  Alas, I hate drama more than I love control.  It saved all of our sanity, I am sure.

One good thing has come from all of this observation I’ve had over the past five to ten years.  I now have a pretty good idea of how to create a drama-filled wedding.  So, if a stress-free wedding is too tame for you, if you’re looking for something with more zip and pizazz, if you really want something that Bravo can turn into a new TV reality show… take note!

How to Have a Drama-Filled Wedding

1. Get married very young.  (The drama we had came mostly from those who objected to Challice’s age in getting married– and who erroneously assumed that she was pregnant.)
2. Have friends who insist that they know what you want.  (This works best if they are wrong.)
3. Allow (or fail to succeed in preventing) these friends to take over the wedding planning.  (This is most successful the younger the bride is.  She’s usually not used to having to assert herself with the degree of force necessary to ward off unwanted input.)
4. Be unprepared to deal with the objections of extended family– cousins, sisters, brothers, aunts, grandmothers.  After all, the fact that they think you should have pink rather than mauve is absolutely their call– or so they think.
5. Allow the cry of, “It’s YOUR day” to override your common sense and provoke selfishness in you.  (This works best if you are usually not a selfish person.)
6. Guys, make sure you marry a gal with the “Momzilla” complex.
7. Gals, make sure you marry a guy who is not ready to let go of the apron strings.
8. Preferably, choose a spouse who comes from a family who seems to revel in constant drama.  They’re the best at making sure things are the most realistic and obnoxious.
9. If you cannot find a spouse who has a drama-filled past, leave questions in their mind as to your respect for them.  It’ll come out.
10. When all else fails, find a new friend who has plenty of dramatic flair, along with some control-freak tendencies, and make her your ad-hoc wedding planner.  Change your mind often to ensure that her natural control and drama quirks rise to the surface.  Consider it the sugar added to yeast.

Ok, so this is partly tongue-in-cheek.  I’m just brokenhearted to see so many people have to deal with such ugliness surrounding what should be one of the happiest times of their lives.  It’s sad to see the “kids” acting more mature than their parents and worse, the parents acting like they never got out of junior high.  You know, I always wondered if the wedding that I didn’t get to have (thanks to friends who overruled me on so many things) wouldn’t turn me into a crazed woman who insisted on doing everything the way I wanted it to have been and it wasn’t.  Thankfully, I don’t think I was that woman, but I’ve got six more daughters to go.  She could still emerge!  I pray that she doesn’t.

I think, or rather hope, that Challice doesn’t have terrible memories of their wedding day or even the days leading up to it.  I pray the same stays true of the rest of my children.  I pray that the Lord would remind all of us that people are more important than things or events, and that there is little that is so important as to raise a stink about it.