Full Circle

Now the day is over, night is drawing nigh…

You know, I don’t want to sound morbid, but I’m realizing every day how much of my life has already been spent. It is hard to remember that I don’t have forever to do the things I want to do or go the places I want to see. I don’t have forever to see my family that I miss so dearly or to share my heart for and to my children. There are a finite number of days in our life, and when the Psalmist tells us that we have seventy to eighty years, he isn’t joking. that’s around the average lifespan!

Some ways that I see the “drawing nigh” are very telling for me. For example: health. You know what? I don’t bounce back like I used to. I’m watching my husband recuperate from back surgery and am just amazed that it really takes six weeks to heal enough to be able to resume some of your normal activities. That’s one quarter of the time it takes to heal completely. That stuns me.

Whatever illness I caught in the hospital is still attacking me. I still feel weak, achy, and as if I have a fever. I don’t, but it feels as if I do. My joints are screaming for relief. Oh, and my asthma is about to let me have it. The fact that I have asthma at all is incredible. Three weeks of illness? Really? As a younger person, that would have been unbelievable.

It really drives home the point that my life is not unchanging. I am getting older.  My body will fail me. I need to keep it in the best condition I can in order to make this second half of my life all it could be.

I’m also learning not to let things bother me that once would have. I finally can see that I have a tight leash on my inner thunder puppy. What I can see– and I never thought would be true– is that I have to be careful not to allow myself to become desensitized to mediocrity or even wrong as I “grow up.” I don’t believe that I am ever going to become so laissez faire that I won’t care about what is wrong.

It has been so long since I’ve seen my parents. I don’t even like to think about how long it’s been. Now that Kevin has had this surgery, I realize that we’ll never take a long road trip again. No more half-country treks across the country. We’ll need to fly. I need to plan for trips to see my parents alone or bringing a child or two and not expect it to be a full family again. That means a whole different kinds of budgeting. It’s now a priority of a different nature. If I won’t be living forever, neither will my parents. I don’t want that regret in my life.

I look around me and my life has a lot of “fat” to trim. If I want to finish my life strong, I need (haven’t I said this before? Why don’t I ever learn?) to live it strong– to its fullest. I need every minute to count. Look, I don’t want to strip the whimsy and relaxation times of life, but do I really need to play 50 games of spider solitaire every day? I don’t think so. Ok, so it’s not that many, but um… the hours add up. I want to enjoy a good game now and then, but I want other things– better things– to be what I have to show for it.

I am at peace and almost have zero stress when my home is in order. Why then, do I allow myself to let it get cluttered or disheveled? It seems a bit counter-intuitive to talk about living life– taking it for everything it has– and cleaning the house more, but it is what I need in order to do those things. It is what I need in order to live that fullest life. I need that.

I’ve been playing with schedules for the past week. It’s been a long time since I’ve operated on a schedule. I may begin again. Just looking at what I think I need to get done really does make me see what I want to do– what I want to accomplish. Once again, my life may need to become a little more tightly organized in order to give me freedom. In the past, I’ve enjoyed that organized freedom and at other times it has strangled me. I think I’m ready again. I’ll just have to see I think.

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