It’s a word that has such good connotations.  Balance the budget, balance… I can’t even think of them now when several seconds ago a dozen phrases flitted through my mind.  Well, today needed balance that I couldn’t find.  It’s just one of those things sometimes.  My question is, why?  Why is balance such a tight walk sometimes?
My nerves have been raw today.  Hyper-raw.  After two weeks of being physically spent and fighting some kind of undefined illness, I am worn out.  I don’t have anything left.  If someone spoke, I snapped.  If someone snapped, I blew up.  Irritation felt like a personal attack.  The funny thing is my husband thought I was mad at him.  I wasn’t.  I was just fighting to keep him from getting mad at me and my snarkiness.  Strange how that works sometimes, isn’t it?
So, I’ve spent all day fighting myself.  My kids are on eggshells.  I’m not proud of it.  I’m worn out, frustrated.  I need strength.
I have it, you know.  I have strength.  Philippians 4:13 promises me that Jesus Christ strengthens me.  Ok, I know, it says that He strengthened Paul, but I get the feeling that the implication was for all of us.  So, there should be no surprise that I can do this… this self-control and being the person I need to be… through Jesus.  He’ll do this.
There’s no excuse for making the people around me miserable because I am out of sorts.  I never allow it in my kids, why is it ok for me?
I need to find the balance in not stuffing down the problems I’m fighting and not dragging everyone around me into them.  It isn’t right.  I wouldn’t want others to do that to me, and I certainly don’t want to do it to others.  The old “Misery loves company?”  Well, I don’t.  It’s bad enough that I am being a nasty person in my mind– letting it spew into my interactions with others is inexcusable.
We claim we love people.  We claim that we care about what is best for them.  Then, when we are unsettled or ugly, we drive others away.  Why do we think this is acceptable behavior?  What?  We don’t?  Then why on earth are we behaving unacceptably– deliberately!  That’s insanity.
So, my hope is that tomorrow I will do better.  I don’t care why I do better.  If I am more at rest in Jesus, that’s preferable.  If I am more rested physically?  Ok.  I’m good with that.  If I feel better and not as if I’ve been sent through a wringer, that’ll be just dandy.  As long as it isn’t sinful, I really don’t care HOW or WHY I do better.  I just want tomorrow to close with the feeling that I didn’t alienate the people I love with my lousy attitude and rotten behavior.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s