Have you ever read a book, watched a movie, seen a play, met a new person, or in any other way come face to face with the person you want to be? I’m not talking about the difference between being a city girl when you dream of life in the country or visa versa. I don’t mean that you want to be someone God did not intend for you to be. What I refer to is the realization that there are qualities or disciplines in this person’s life that you’ve desired, or worse, known God has called you to be. The problem is, you’re not. I can’t be the only person who has ever been introduced in some fashion to the person they should be.
I just had this happen to me again recently. It happens every now and then. I remember the first time I was aware of it. I’d read one of Lori Wick’s books in the Rocky Mountain series. I like two of the four books in that series but for very different reasons. (And the other two books are worthless in my opinion.) I love the character and storyline of Pup Jennings in To Know Her by Name. That book never ceases to delight me but Rusty in Promise Me Tomorrow always tugs at my heart with a yearning I find it difficult to explain. (Though I’ll grant you, the book is very drippy!)
I envy her love of children. I nearly covet the ease in which she interacts and relates to them. That probably sounds very strange coming from a woman with nine children but I assure you, it’s true. I love the delight she has in children as people. Her red hair and self-assurance doesn’t hurt either. 😉
I digress. I recently saw myself in another book. This time, the story is mine. I am almost finished with a novel that is now a chore to finish. Every word feels wrung from me like water drops from a half-dry dishcloth. I don’t know how I’ll manage to finish it. I see myself on every page. Not only do I see whom I am supposed to be, I see who I am and it both frightens and disgusts me. I think I struggle most with it because I am afraid if I finish it, I’ll have to do something about what I’ve learned as I’ve written it. I don’t want to. I like status quo. I like it because it’s easy and I am very good at easy.
The funny thing is, so much of what I am convicted about cannot be changed by actions right now. I don’t have the physical strength to do anything. The core of the problem I can change but I don’t want to. I feel like Paul. I don’t do what I want to do, I do what I don’t want to do, oh wretched woman that I am, who will save me from myself?
Why do we do that to ourselves? Jesus already saved us from ourselves! I’m already free. I AM the new creature in Christ that I want to emulate in this book. I AM. I just don’t act like it.
You know, maybe God timed things this way so that I wouldn’t be able to “do”. Maybe I am supposed to sit at Jesus’ feet, learn, and be. Be still. Know that He is God. Repent. Confess. Be immersed in His Word until I stop fighting and allow it to infuse me. Allow myself to be immersed in Jesus until that which needs changed outside of me happens as an overflow of a change from within.
Why are all the answers simple and complicated? Simultaneously?