An Unusual Feeling~

Have you ever felt like you’re about to ‘arrive’?   Not in the utopic sense but in the…”We’re almost there kids” relief to be to your destination sense.  Picture driving down the wrong road, in the wrong direction because you have to.  It’s the only way to get to the right road and head in the correct direction.  Now, imagine yourself at the intersection that you’ve been waiting for.  Once you make the turn onto the correct road, you are almost there.  It’s just a bit farther once you turn onto that road.I’m on that road.  I’ve just turned at the intersection.  It won’t be long and my destination will be in sight.  I can’t believe it.  It was a long road.   Sometimes it was hard to believe that I really was going to reach that intersection.  I often wondered if perhaps I wasn’t being naive.   The anticipation of seeing the destination is building.  I am so thankful.  Not since my thunder puppy days have I felt like I’ve finally achieved what the Lord wants for me. 

It’s a beautiful feeling.  I have a feeling, the destination won’t look exactly like I’ve imagined or remembered but I am eagerly waiting to see it anyway.  This is so exciting for me.  Let me share some of the areas of my ‘arrival’.

Perfectionism.  I think I’ve finally conquered it.  There are remnants that squirm to the surface and fight to free themselves from my  grasp but other than that, there is peace in the ranks.   (One could say that admitting this is, in and of itself, proof of those remnants!)  I can leave a job, barely started, half-finished, and even walk away from it all together without panic.  I can start in the middle of something when everything around me is falling apart.  I can clean one corner of a room without ripping the entire room to shreds.  Six months ago, this was not possible. 

I feel strangely peaceful.  Strangely because it is seven days until Christmas, not all of the presents are wrapped, we haven’t baked cookies, and that’s just the beginning.  I’m ok with it.  I see all the work ahead of me and I’m not overwhelmed.  I see the changes I need to make and look forward to them!  When did that happen? 

Unfortunately, I don’t know when this happened or how.  I just know that it did.  I’m thankful for it.  I know that I will have my moments of exhaustion, overwhelmment, and the great need to escape again.  I am not optimistic enough to think that the frustrations of life are gone permanently.  However, now that I see the destination looming ahead of me, I realize that I’m really going to make it.  I may run out of gas and have to get refilled.  I may have car trouble or maybe it’ll overheat.  However, even with bumps and jerks, I realize I’m on the right road, there may be small detours but I’m almost there!

I’m so excited.  I’m calm, but I’m excited.  I look at my desk, which is a complete mess, and rather than sigh and beat myself up for it, I think, “Stack the mail, toss that trash, reorganize the papers, and I know that in five minutes I will have a perfectly clear desk.  I think I’ll do it as soon as I’m done here.

I am in awe.  Grateful awe.  The Lord’s graciousness and mercy truly is new every morning.   For the first time since I finally squashed the final remnants of my thunder puppiness (now it’s simple self-righteous arrogance when it reappears) I know what is coming.  I know I can do it.  I have every confidence that the Lord will bless the fruit of my hands.  I’m doing the right thing.  I love it. 

What a way to end what has been undeniably the most wonderful and awful year of my life!

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