It is my opinion, because this is my blog and I’m allowed to give it, that Christians spend too much time fighting for their liberty in Christ. There is a reason that God gave us the ten commandments. Have you ever read the Levitical laws? God was VERY specific about what He wants from His people… down to the fabric He chooses for us to use. If you carefully read scripture you’ll note (only for example purposes you understand) that God specifically names linen, wool, (no blends) and red, white, and purple (colorwise) for clothing. Nothing else is mentioned, those are specifically stated as His preference and therefore we should be focusing on honoring those commands in our wardrobes today.
So… first, all people must wear robe like garments. This will ensure (since most will be red and purple due to the impracticality of white) that they are fairly modest because how immodest can a robe (long sleeves and hemline and all) be? Furthermore, men’s robes must be able to be ‘girded’ about them. The entire Christian church is in SIN over this issue. REPENT.
Ok. The unpopular argument. Make up. Women of Christ, get thee to Mary Kay or Merle Norman. (I think Mary Kay is more godly because it is TWO female names instead of possibly one. Is Merle automatically male or can it be female?) Spend one year of your life beautifying yourself. Learn the proper use of cleansers, perfumes, cosmetics, and I dare say they exercised or something. Do whatever it takes to be as alluring as possible, and before you are married. This is REQUIRED of God’s women in the Word and it is DISGUSTING how slovenly the church is in this area. PAINT THOSE BARNS WOMEN… even those of you who have a fresh coat of ‘God paint’. PAINT EM ANYWAY. NOW.
Furthermore, we need rules for daily conduct. We need to remember that Jesus woke EARLY in the morning. The Proverbs 31 woman rose while it was still night… I think these passages tell us that we are to get by on much less sleep than we seem to think we need. I am proposing that we go to bed just after midnight (her lamp does not go out at night) and arise 10 minutes later. (She rises while it is still night) We are a slothful set of disciples. Honestly. We should be ashamed of ourselves. We SLEEP a good 1/3 of our life away!
Also… this homeschooling thing. I’m afraid we are off of the mark completely. Deuteronomy six tells us to train them when they arise, go to bed, walk, eat, play… but Hannah shows us that it is ESSENTIAL that we reconsider who teaches our children for life. She sent Samuel to (the equivalent of anyway) school at around four to five years old! We need to quit thinking we are so superior in our abilities to train up these children. We need to turn them over to the secular educators as God did with Moses. We need to remember that they will stand alone for His Word and His laws in the face of opposition by Godless rulers and educators. (See Daniel and his cronies for proof.)
Furthermore, women need to take charge in the military. We’ve been absent for far too long. Should you doubt my scriptural understanding, may I remind you of Jael? The one who killed Sisera by nailing his head to the ground with a tent stake? Quit acting like women cannot handle the rigors of war. It’s been proven otherwise and it’s time that they were required to do their part in these areas. As a matter of fact, it is my contention that the army of the United States should consist of nothing but Females who have been housed together for 365 days straight with no leave granted to anyone. Those who are left should be let loose on the enemy. They will not turn on each other at this point. We will tell them that the enemy has taken all midol, chocolate, and tampons and are holding them hostage.
Pray for our enemies. Jesus meant what He said when He put that law down. We just didn’t know, until now, that He meant it in this regard.
Submission. We’ve misunderstood this concept for years. Women see it as oppression against them. What they don’t know, is that men consider it a death sentence. While we’re bemoaning that we have to find a way to eat on 50 dollars for the next month because he did something stupid with his money, he is BEGGING God to take him HOME so that Mrs. Know-it-all (otherwise known as his wife) can be happy trying to lead a family, keep a home, hold down a full time job, and be someone’s personal and full time kicking post. IT’s a hard job and frankly, he’d rather someone just give him a bit of grief now and then over stupid stuff but not have the world holding on his shoulders dragging him down. BUT… men, I have your freedom at hand. We are also supposed to submit one to another. I say, start submitting to that wife as she would have herself submit to you. You know, that Matthew 7:12 thing. Everyone will get what they want, and no one wins or loses while everyone wins and loses. You can’t get anymore equal than that.
Now let’s talk alcohol. Everyone knows that it is a sin to drink alcohol. Except when it is not. So we must, Biblically, define WHEN one may drink alcohol and when one may not!
1. You may only drink wine if you have a stomach. (See Paul’s admonition to Timothy). If you do not have a stomach, you MUST refrain from all forms of wine.
2. You may drink wine if you are at a wedding and Jesus turns water into the wine. We know now that what Jesus was REALLY trying to say is that when HE turns water into wine, we may drink the wine but no other time… except for those with stomachs. (see point one)
3. You may not get drunk OR you may not be habitually drunk. These two go very closely hand in hand. The final ruling on this is that no matter what it is, if you’re drunk a lot, you’re in sin. Hence, those with stomachs must avoid drinking too much wine if you are at a wedding with Jesus.
4. IF you are a wife, whose husband is drinking at a feast, and he asks you to come before his guests, and you don’t, you will likely get a paper of divorcement so take a good swig of wine (if you have a stomach) and go see him before you’re tossed out in the cold.
5. Furthermore, when preaching and rejoicing in church, be prepared to prove that the communion wine has been put away and therefore no one could possibly be drunk. If someone has been dipping into the communion wine, ENSURE that they have a stomach before sending them to the elders for determination as to whether or not they have drank too much and are, in fact, drunk. You’ll save so much heartache. AFter all, if they have no stomach, they are already in sin.
Smoking. This one is quite simple. It is permitted. IF you are going to hell. After all, where there is smoke, there is fire, and we know that there is fire in hell, so those who are going to hell may (one could argue must) smoke.
Movies. If you learn anything from it, it is ok. After all, Jesus gave word movies with His parables. BUT… if your movies are EVIL, you may not, because we cannot set evil things before our eyes. Therefore, whatever you do, do it heartily as unto the Lord and make sure Hollywood follows suit. It is our RIGHT.
Daycare. We must leave our children with other people from time to time. This is proven by Solomon and the two prostitutes who came before him with their babies. After all, while one woman was out ‘working’ (see, proof that women MUST work outside the home… we hope?) the other woman was snoozing away and killed her own child. Child care at it’s best. WE MUST, if we watch other people’s children, be sure to put their interests ahead of our own children’s. This passage proves it. AND, don’t forget, that the Proverbs 31 paragon of virtue left her children in the care of SERVANTS. That is Bible-speak for babysitters. Take heed and LEAVE your children. Ok ok… you need more proof? Jesus’ own ancestor, Obed, was given to his grandmother to be cared for instead of being choke chained to his mother. This COULD be an argument that the world’s best person to care for your child (maybe even above you) is your mother-in-law.
Now… children’s church and Sunday school. We are WRONG not to insist that our children spend hours upon end in these institutions. The church is a FAMILY. That child that swears at the teacher, teaches sex ed in the bathroom line, and beats up your child is his BROTHER. We MUST train them equally. Your child shouldn’t have the benefit of his innocence while his BROTHER in Christ is left without a godly influence. Shame on us parents. Shame on us. The church MUST REPENT and keep all children together so that they are equally exposed to everything. In families, we know, we MUST share and share alike.
HOWEVER, there are those, spiritually superior people, who are called to come out from among them (and one can assume that any group of people does have a ‘them’ in it) and be separate. While FAMILY is imperative, you know that those people at church have an agenda. They TRAINED their son to teach your kids about sex and to hit your child. They’ve indoctrinated the young girl to undermine your authority at every turn. They are working hard to STEAL your children’s hearts away from you and the Lord and mold them into an endless mass of people that they have nebulously called ‘the church family’. It’s shocking, appalling, and those wise enough to see through this evil consipiracy are exempt from being a part of the family of God and loving them as Christ Himself did when He died for these people whom you are so superior to.
Food. Everything has been given to us for godliness. But some food is more Godly than others. (Read Animal farm if you do not understand this concept. Orwell said it better than anyone else could). So, for those who want to be more godly than other godly folk, you will either…
1. Only eat fruit that could not have been of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. No other foods are great except for these. This is THE most Godly behavior. If you are a diabetic or have blood sugar issues requiring protien, you cannot be THE most Godly.
2. You can include herbs, grains, grasses etc. Be vegetarian and you are ALMOST the most Godly you can be. And you might night die of hypoglycemic shock.
3. If you include any kind of meat, chicken and fish are the most Godly meats. Eat them sparingly and you are almost as Godly as you can get but not quite as Godly as a vegetarian or a frutitarian.
4. Beef won’t send you to hell or even define you as ungodly but it isn’t nearly as special as raw veggies and fruit with an occasional fish stick or chicken chest.
5. Eat anything, you’re gonna die anyway. AMEN! To a degeree, this could be argued as the BEST and most GODLY. After all, by conventional medicine (subject to change at the whim of the AMA… do not hold me accountable for the accuracy of this following statement at the time you read it but if you wait long enough, it is surely going to be back in fad) you will die twice as fast and therefore be with God faster. How much more Godly can you be than in dead perfection. HALLELUJAH.
Spanking. I am sorry to say that I must address this issue. Spanking is SINFUL AND WRONG. IT should NEVER be used except in one instance. Proverbs says that the rod is for the back of fools. Therefore, only children by the name of fool may be spanked. Abigail was married to a man named fool, so if you want to spank your children as a disciplinary measure, you MUST name them, boys and girls alike, Nabal.
Widows. WE neglect them in the church. We also don’t have enough of them. This isn’t due to our excellent training of these widows. This is due to either a lack of evangelism of widows or a need to kill off more of our members who are husbands. Let’s ensure that this is remedied post haste.
Young widows must remarry. Immediately. It would save much time, money, travel, and hassle if churches would simply set up weddings to follow the funerals of the dead men who have left wives who are not 65. Don’t educate these women and whatever you do, don’t give them insurance. That will cause riots of men demanding to get to marry the widow and unless there is an unmarried brother who is tapping his toes to take over the job, this is askign for trouble. SKIP THE INSURANCE.
Older widows, are not to marry. They are to become the slave of the church and the church will feed them. ENSURE that they meet all requirements or treat them as younger widows and force them to marry and bear children. (PRAISE THE LORD for IVF or this would be a serious problem in the church today.) If you are wondering WHERE these widows will come from, see my points on submission.
Finally. Every Christian woman who has utilized a hospital for the birth of her children MUST repent. IT is CLEAR in scripture that the only acceptable helper for birthing women are husbands and midwives. OBVIOUSLY husbands are much more spiritual because JESUS apparently only had a HUSBAND help Him in His birth BUT… midwives are allowed as is proven by Moses.