Changes of Life

Lists.  Calendars.  Schedules.  Formulas.  Plans.  These are good things.  They can be abused (and often are) and they certainly can become your master rather than the reverse, but as a whole, these things can bring order and beauty to life.  They are also things with which I struggle.  I seem unable to reach a healthy balance with schedules (All or nothing don’tcha know) and lists and calendars… I never remember to LOOK at them much less write in/on them. 


I’m disgusted with myself, really.  What would I think of a man who had a hammer and a handful of nails but who wouldn’t pick either up and even TRY to learn to drive a nail into the wall to hang a picture because he ‘isn’t handy’ or ‘can’t seem to get the hang of it’?  Pun intended.


I need to learn to not only make beautiful schedules… but make REALISTIC ones.  I need to learn then to USE it as a tool.  Asprin is a tool.  If I have a headache, and need to be able to function, I take an asprin and my headache is gone.  Then I have two tasks before me.  To function normally and live… and also to find out what caused the headache if possible, so as to prevent it in the future.  Schedules are the same.


If I looked at my child’s assignment sheet and saw that half of his work was undone… and upon asking why he hadn’t finished, his reply was something like these below, it wouldn’t be pretty.


“I did do it, I just forgot to mark it off.  I can’t remember to do that.  My brain doesn’t think that way.” 


“I just can’t remember to look at that sheet.  I try… I just forget.  I do most of the work but I forget some.  I’m trying but my brain just doesn’t seem to be able to handle it.”


Wanna know a secret?  It wouldn’t happen.  My children KNOW better than to pull a stunt like that.  Their jobs are their jobs and they do it or they suffer the consequences.  (more work to practice doing the job in the first place.)  Forgetting is never an acceptable excuse.  (ok ok.. if the household was torn upside down with an ’emergency’ of some kind,  I’d give a bit of grace).


What does this all mean now, and what does it have to do with beauty which seems to be the theme of my life these days?


I’m a hypocrite.  There is nothing lovely about being a hypocrite I assure you.  It’s wrong of me to excuse in myself what  I require in my children.  It is against my nature to use a calendar.  I don’t NATURALLY remember it.  Oh well.  Tuff luck.  I guess it’s time to learn how.  If I can learn to rise to the occasion in other areas, I can learn this. 


The end result will be order.  Order is condusive to beauty.  Chaos rarely is.  While a hospital may not be lovely… it is certainly more lovely than your local dump.  I’m aiming for a beautiful home that is also comfortable. I’m aiming for orderliness in action and our surroundings without being ruled by them.  I’m aiming for comfort but not so that it tends toward chaos.


Ahhhhhh I can do this.  I will do this.  And I’ll enjoy the process as much as the results.  Even if it kills me.


And it might.


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