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NATHAN HALE
( Hanged as a spy by the British, in New York City,
September 22, 1776.)
To drum-beat and heart-beat
A soldier marches by:
There is color in his cheek,
There is courage in his eye,
Yet to drum-beat and heart-beat
In a moment he must die.
By starlight and moonlight,
He seeks the Briton’s camp;
He hears the rustling flag,
And the armed sentry’s tramp;
And the starlight and moonlight
His silent wanderings lamp.
With slow tread and still tread,
He scans the tented line;
And he counts the battery guns
By the gaunt and shadowy pine;
And his slow tread and still tread
Gives no warning sign.
The dark wave, the plumed wave,
It meets his eager glance;
And it sparkles ‘neath the stars,
Like the glimmer of a lance–
A dark wave, a plumed wave,
On an emerald expanse.
A sharp clang, a steel clang,
And terror in the sound!
For the sentry, falcon-eyed,
In the camp a spy hath found;
With a sharp clang, a steel clang,
The patriot is bound.
With calm brow, steady brow,
He listens to his doom;
In his look there is no fear,
Nor a shadow-trace of gloom;
But with calm brow and steady brow
He robes him for the tomb.
In the long night, the still night,
He kneels upon the sod;
And the brutal guards withhold
E’en the solemn Word of God!
In the long night, the still night,
He walks where Christ hath trod.
‘Neath the blue morn, the sunny morn,
He dies upon the tree;
And he mourns that he can lose
But one life for Liberty;
And in the blue morn, the sunny morn,
His spirit-wings are free.
But his last words, his message-words,
They burn, lest friendly eye
Should read how proud and calm
A patriot could die,
With his last words, his dying words,
A soldier’s battle-cry.
From Fame-leaf and Angel-leaf,
From monument and urn,
The sad of earth, the glad of heaven,
His tragic fate shall learn;
And on Fame-leaf and Angel-leaf
The name of HALE shall burn!
FRANCIS MILES FINCH.
The nursery worker. The song leader. The custodian. The Bible class teacher. The woman who makes the communion bread. The man who fixes the widow’s car. The missionary. The missionary supporter. The prayer warrior.
What do they have in common? They’re servants. They serve the body. In very tangible and recognized ways, these people are servants to the body of Christ. They’re all well loved, needed, and appreciated. There are more of course. From curriculum writers to pulpit committees, from AWANA directors to a deacon, the church is full of servants, and well it should be.
Some areas of service aren’t generally recognized. In one congregation that we attended, a woman served me in ways she never knew. Riddled with pain and several debilitating diseases, she came, week after week, and was just THERE. It was service to the body. When I’m unwell, I don’t want to go anywhere no matter how badly I want to BE there. Then I remember Dena and I realize that it’s not about me. Can I go? Will I be able to sit there? Will I infect others? Will I need to be taken home? Of course with those things in the negative, I shouldn’t go. But staying home and being miserable or sitting there and being miserable is just geography.
Another woman served me at another congregation. Diana was an example to me and I don’t know if she’ll ever truly realize her service to the church even though I did try to tell her a time or two. She loved her sons. She had such an amazing closeness to her sons. It sooooo impressed me. I wanted that. I emulated anything I saw in her that I could because I saw the root of it. She served me. She taught me to “… love their children” by example.
There is an area in the church that I think we’ve gotten lazy with our service. Women have busy lives. We live in an instant society with expectations of instant results. We’ve forgotten that service can require inconvenience. In this one area, we really need to reconsider serving our bothers in Christ.
That last sentence probably gave away what I mean. Modesty. I hear it all the time.
“It is almost impossible to find clothes that are in style and still modest” Difficult, but not impossible. In almost any store in the country you can find SOMETHING.
“I shouldn’t have to work so hard at just shopping for clothes.” Well whether or not you should have to isn’t the issue. The issue is that the difficulty of the task doesn’t negate the need for the task. If you had to find a blanket for your brother in Christ or he’d die, woudl you not search until you found him one no matter how long it took?
The statements and answers are numerous. Do we die to self and serve the body of Christ or do we demonstrate a lack of love because loving them in this way is too inconvenient? It isn’t impossible. It may be difficult but it isn’t imposible.
“… she is like merchant ships. She brings her food from afar.”
We can and we should serve our brothers and sisters in Christ this way.
Please note: I am not defining what is or isn’t modest here. I’m not saying that one particular type of clothing is immodest or not. I would hope that it would be obvious that clothing that looks painted on, shows cleavage, most of the thigh and/or part of the rear is generally inappropriate for a Christian to wear. Some consider slacks and jeans still showing the rear and/or thigh, others don’t. I’m not going to play the game. What one of my daughters can wear with absolute decency, another of my girls cannot.
Have you ever read a book, watched a movie, seen a play, met a new person, or in any other way come face to face with the person you want to be? I’m not talking about the difference between being a city girl when you dream of life in the country or visa versa. I don’t mean that you want to be someone God did not intend for you to be. What I refer to is the realization that there are qualities or disciplines in this person’s life that you’ve desired, or worse, known God has called you to be. The problem is, you’re not. I can’t be the only person who has ever been introduced in some fashion to the person they should be.
I just had this happen to me again recently. It happens every now and then. I remember the first time I was aware of it. I’d read one of Lori Wick’s books in the Rocky Mountain series. I like two of the four books in that series but for very different reasons. (And the other two books are worthless in my opinion.) I love the character and storyline of Pup Jennings in To Know Her by Name. That book never ceases to delight me but Rusty in Promise Me Tomorrow always tugs at my heart with a yearning I find it difficult to explain. (Though I’ll grant you, the book is very drippy!)
I envy her love of children. I nearly covet the ease in which she interacts and relates to them. That probably sounds very strange coming from a woman with nine children but I assure you, it’s true. I love the delight she has in children as people. Her red hair and self-assurance doesn’t hurt either. 
I digress. I recently saw myself in another book. This time, the story is mine. I am almost finished with a novel that is now a chore to finish. Every word feels wrung from me like water drops from a half-dry dishcloth. I don’t know how I’ll manage to finish it. I see myself on every page. Not only do I see whom I am supposed to be, I see who I am and it both frightens and disgusts me. I think I struggle most with it because I am afraid if I finish it, I’ll have to do something about what I’ve learned as I’ve written it. I don’t want to. I like status quo. I like it because it’s easy and I am very good at easy.
The funny thing is, so much of what I am convicted about cannot be changed by actions right now. I don’t have the physical strength to do anything. The core of the problem I can change but I don’t want to. I feel like Paul. I don’t do what I want to do, I do what I don’t want to do, oh wretched woman that I am, who will save me from myself?
Why do we do that to ourselves? Jesus already saved us from ourselves! I’m already free. I AM the new creature in Christ that I want to emulate in this book. I AM. I just don’t act like it.
You know, maybe God timed things this way so that I wouldn’t be able to “do”. Maybe I am supposed to sit at Jesus’ feet, learn, and be. Be still. Know that He is God. Repent. Confess. Be immersed in His Word until I stop fighting and allow it to infuse me. Allow myself to be immersed in Jesus until that which needs changed outside of me happens as an overflow of a change from within.
Why are all the answers simple and complicated? Simultaneously?
A page turns. The glossy pictures, airbrushed to perfection, appeal tantalizingly to the senses. Lust grows in the heart and mind of the observer. Page after page of images imbed themselves in the reader’s mind. They will not easily leave. Long after the magazine is rotting at the bottom of a pile, those images will burn more than just the heart.
Escape into a fantasy world. Perfection is achieved on every front. The longer one lingers, the deeper the desire for the impossible. The lingering gaze at the perfect woman. The deep desire for the forbidden grows in the heart of the fantasizer. Just a few more stolen minutes before reality crushes a dream world.
Dissatisfaction. Impatience. Irritation. Reality encroaches on the idyllic. Anger seethes under the surface.
Pornography. No, not the stuff of the Heffner empire. I am not writing of ‘pornea’ in the strictest sense. I am writing of the coveteousnes of homeschooling women. The deep desire for what we do not have, and often for what we cannot have is the ‘baptized’ version of pornography for ‘good godly women’.
How many times has the Vision Forum catalog appeared in a home. The harried homeschooling mother takes the catalog and puts her feet up for ten minutes as she thumbs through the pages. Beautifully dressed children, perfect women, and godly men who surely never leave their dirty socks on the couch grace the pages. There is no laundry piled in the hamper. There is no hamper. The children smile and eagerly work on their lessons while a perfectly coiffed and manicured mother beams beatifically at them as she pulls a pie from the oven.
Mom ignores the unfinished lessons, the pile of bills, and the fact she hasn’t brushed her own hair yet, and imagines a world where her husband instinctively knows her emotional needs and meets them before they wound her spirit. Her children delight in serving her and she, in her spiritual and emotional maturity is a tender and gentle nurturer. Her husband boasts her praises to all who will listen. Her children feel sorry for anyone who does not have ‘their’ mother. Somehow, she tends a garden, grows wheat, bakes bread, keeps house, teaches school, and takes meals to anyone in need while wearing a white dress sewn from a Sensibility pattern in her spare time one afternoon.
Reality returns with a vengance. Dinner isn’t started, the children are wearing stained pajamas, and you can’t see the floor for the Rice Krispies that the baby scattered.
Another hand turns a page. A heart races. Desires grow. Each moment that lingers creates a magnetic pull nearly impossible to resist.
The magazine enflames a smoldering desire. Families of seven, eight, twelve, and even fourteen children smile back from the pages. Beckoning. A glance across the room at four squabbling children creates a longing. No more children. He’s so selfish. The deam of a large and godly family overwhelms the reader until she is lost in her own dream world.
Eight perfect children serve the Lord in song. Squabbles are a distant memory. With new babies came new love and appreciation for one another. Her husband beams with pride as their sons serve their daughters. She feels that private smile of contentment shine on her face as her daughters serve their sons with appreciative devotedness. The baby wails. Their children lovingly encourage him to ‘hush and meet his needs joyfully.
The baby screams bringing her back to reality. Her filthy house, disobedient children, and lack of motivation press down on her. She wants the dream. She needs the dream. If she only had another baby it might happen for her.
How many homeschooling mothers have received this year’s crop of curricula catalogs only to feel that tugging dissatisfaction. They see the glowing testimonials of perfect results and envy invades their hearts. If only her husband would let her do unit studies. The children would flourish if they could take a more active role in their education. Oh, if he would only help them. Become involved. Oh they could be a model homeschooling family if they only had…
Let’s be honest with ourselves. How many hours do we spend each week (or day!) gazing at catalogs that feed our desires, reading books by families who have (at least in our minds) achieved the perfection we so desperately seek, researching new techniques, ideas, and products to create a world of educational bliss. What is reality while we do this? While we create a home centered utopia of homeschooled, home birthed, home grown, home baked, home churched homebodies in our mind, what is our real life like?
We decry the effect of pornography in the world today but do we ignore our own covetous ‘porn’ and fantasy world? Do we forget that one can lust after perfection, beauty, and emotional fulfillment just as much as we can lust after the flesh?
We sang this hymn in church today… as I sang it, I realized it is entirely appropriate for wives to sing about their husbands just as it is for the church to sing about Christ. (I know, novel idea isn’t it?)
“I do Not Come Because My Soul”
by Frank B. St. John
1. I do not come because my soul
Is free from sin and pure and whole
And worthy of Thy grace;
I do not speak to Thee because
I’ve never justly kept Thy laws
And dare to meet Thy face.
*
2. I know that sin and guilt combine
To reign o’er every thought of mine
And torn from good to ill;
I know that, when I try to be
Upright and just and true to Thee,
I am a sinner still.
*
3. I know that often when I strive
To keep a spark of love alive
For Thee, the powers within
Leap up in unsubmissive might
And oft benumb my sense of right
And pull me back to sin.
*
4. I know that, though in doing good
I spend my life, I never could
Atone for all I’ve done;
But though my sins are black as night,
I dare to come before Thy sight
Because I trust Thy Son.
*
5. In Him alone my trust I place,
Come boldly to Thy Throne of grace,
And there commune with Thee.
Salvation sure, O Lord, is mine,
And, all unworthy, I am Thine,
For Jesus died for me.
Watch what happens when a few words are changed to be a song sung by a loving wife to her husband.
“I do Not Serve Because My Heart”
1. I do not serve because my heart
Has never felt a painful dart
That flew from your own hand;
I don’t appeal to you because
I’ve ever justly kept His laws
And on my own merit stand.
*
2. I know that sin and guilt combine
To reign o’er every thought of mine
And thus dishonor you;
I know that, when I try to be
True and loving constantly,
I fail at all I do .
*
3. I know that often when I strive
To keep a spark of love alive
For you, my self within
Leaps up in unsubmissive might
And oft benumb my sense of right
And pull me back to sin.
*
4. I know that, though in doing good
I spend my life, I never could
Thank you for all you have done;
But though my flesh screams for my rights,
I honor you as belov’d knight
For you’re my only ’one’.
*
5. In Him alone my trust I place,
While we both run life’s daring race,
To claim the prize together.
Joint heirs He promised we will be,
Though faults in both of us we see,
Through Him they’re gone forever.
My whole attitude about serving, honoring, respecting, and loving my husband is improved when I realize how not just my actions but my attitudes need such improvement. If I am to serve and love my husband ‘as unto the Lord’ then my actions should show it.
A question for myself. If my love and service for my husband was a barometer for my love of the Lord, what would it say about me?
What if we, as wives, could be fired? What if our husbands could give us an evaluation and after ‘disciplinary action’ (Not physical… write ups, fines, something) let us go for non performance? How many of us would be fired? I’m certain I could be. No doubt in my mind. Shame on me.
I’m not talking about walking a perfect line. I’m not talking about never making a mistake. I’m talking about effort put forth, respect for authority, and reasonable productivity. Allowances for legitimate physical limitations would be required and understanding during weaker times of our ‘vessel’. I can picture it.
Quarterly review comes. The husband brings his notes to the meeting. “I’d like to tell you that your menus are impeccable, the kitchen is always spotless, and I appreciate how the bills are paid on time and the accounts so efficiently managed. Well done. I am concerned, however, with the way the children are allowed to get away with disrespect and defiance. I think you need to focus a little more attention on their well being and work on simpler meals for a time.”
Or… perhaps…
“I see how hard you are working at our goals. Well done. Please don’t put quite so much pressure on your self. Reaching the goal is important but not if you die just as you cross the line. You need to allow yourself more breaks and expect a little less perfection from everyone. I think you are becoming a bit harsh and bitter through all of this.
Maybe he’d say…
“What do you do all day? I come home and the school work isn’t finished. Dinner is rarely started. The housework is done in a slip-shod manner and the children are squabbling. Your hobbies are left everywhere and unfinished. I cannot see that you’ve accomplished anything and now I have to work a double shift. One at work, another at home. I think it is time for you to put more effort into this family. If you need help, I’ll do what I can. If I can’t help, you’re welcome to get insight from others but I expect to see a little more effort made.
I don’t want to dwell on what my husband would say yesterday. I want to make today a day he’d praise. I’m ashamed of myself. I believe I’ve allowed the fact that I can’t be fired to blind me to my faults.
I can do everything I need to do. I have enough hours in the day. I also have enough hours to do most of what I want to do in addition to my responsibilities. Some people binge on sweets when they’re down or out of sorts. I binge on laziness. Shame on me.
I don’t want my husband to ever feel like he’s ’stuck’ with me. I want him to be BLESSED by me. I want him to, when men are grousing about their wives, think “I am so thankful I married Chautona.” It’s my responsibility to give him reason to do so.
Now, before anyone jumps on the “Why is it always the wife who must do xyz? Why didn’t you write about husbands getting fired?”
Well, because I can’t change my husband. (Wouldn’t want to 99% of the time!) I can’t make him do what I think he should. Men are supposed to read the Word and do it. They’re supposed to be taught by the pastors and elders how to love their wives and children and give themselves up for them. My place, as a woman, is to do my part regardless of whether or not my husband does, and to encourage other women to stand right before the Lord in their own actions, not focusing on the faults of others.
The words should bring both terror and joy to every child’s heart. Why? Because if Mommy would just subject herself to a rigorous training time that child would learn to submit, honor, and obey his parents like never before.
I wrote the boot camp information years ago because I saw mothers who had the guts, grit, and determination to put their children through an intense training time. The point was to take undisciplined and untrained children and immerse them in discipline and training to the end that they automatically responded with honor and respect when instruction was given.
One thing I did not plan for was the numbers of mothers who would attempt boot camp and fail to meet the challenge. I could not imagine mothers who would give up after just a few hours because ‘it’s too hard’ or ‘I just have too high needs children’. I have heard every excuse in the book. “You must not have children as close together as I do.” “You don’t have my health problems.” “I don’t know how to relate to them.” “I tried but the baby needed me and everything went down hill.” Ad infinitum.
May I say that none of these statements were reasons? They were all excuses. Yes, you CAN do whatever you set your mind to do in childrearing. This is not rocket science or brain surgery. This is child training. This is making nothing in life more important than rearing up godly children for the Lord. This is about getting up off of the couch, laying the nursing baby down, letting the stinky baby sit in stinky diaper for five more minutes, turning off the stove, hanging up the phone, walking away from the computer or the instant messenger, and DEALING with the situation that the LORD has given you to deal with.
Most women, at some time or another, often constantly, have troubles and trials. Very few people truly have the trials that make it impossible to do their jobs. Even bedridden women can train their children in obedience. It is hard. It takes longer and more patience but it can be done. Most of us have troubles and trials that make us feel like we are alone in this adventure (or is it a nightmare?) of parenting. One woman may have migraines while another may have chronic fatigue. Neither woman’s malady is ‘worse’ than another’s. Ask each of them and you are likely to find that they would trade places quickly! Compare a woman with an unsaved husband, and a woman who has little money. Whose life is more difficult? What about a family with a chronically ill child and a family with extremely cramped living quarters? Who is worse off? The point I am trying to make is that it is an extremely rare situation where someone CANNOT do their job, no matter how hard it seems. It may take creativity, determination and sheer will power, but it can be done.
Why did you have the children that you have? Why did you KEEP them once you had them? You took that responsibility on. You made the decision to bear, and rear these children. Now do your job! Mothers… it is time to realize that being a mother isn’t a thirty minute episode of the Walton’s or Little House on the Prairie. You do not get a ‘nice little problem’ and get to solve it in a pretty little package before going on to tomorrow’s ‘episode’. Today may have thirty episodes, one right after another. It may have one 12-hour episode or it may have none… let those actors take the day off! The point is, if you thought motherhood was simply baking cookies together and reading stories, you were sadly mistaken.
Unfortunately, being mistaken does not remove your responsibility. They are your children. God has given them to you for the purpose of rearing to HIS glory and you have no right to abandon that job because you ‘can’t’ or it’s ‘too hard’ or ‘you don’t understand them’ or you don’t ‘feel up to the challenge’. They are here. They are yours. And Mama… it’s time to get up off your butler, do your job, and do it right.
I thought a few scriptures might be in order so I will just toss out two or three that I think apply quite nicely.
Philippians 4: 13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.
“You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
“You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.
“You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
It all boils down to… when you stand before the Lord, what are you going to say about how you reared your children? Do you think that He will see through your excuses? Do you think He will agree that your ‘nerves’ could not handle them? Do you think that He will understand why you opted to post on a message board to help another mother with her children while yours run around the house unchecked? Will He agree that it was best for you to let your house lay messy and unkempt as you helped a friend to organize her home or made quilts for orphans while your children ran around looking like street urchins? Do you really think that the all knowing, all seeing Lord of the Universe will not see through the petty excuses to the heart of the matter? We are lazy. We are lazy, self-absorbed, immature people. If we think that we can fool the Lord into thinking that we are just ‘tired’, ‘have low self-esteem’, and are ’still growing in the Lord’, we have another thing coming. It’s time to buck up, and do the right thing… even if we don’t want to, don’t like it, think we can’t do it… we can do whatever the Lord has put on our plates to do!
So mothers, are you going to be mothers? Are you going to rise to the job that the Lord has given to you? If you could not do it, then the Lord would not have given the job to you in the first place. You can. You will succeed with the Lord’s help if you will humble yourself and pray, and seek His face, and turn from your wicked (lazy) ways! (Loosely based upon II Chronicles 7:24)
Overcoming Pitfalls and Weaknesses
Mother’s Health
One of the first excuses that I have heard for not owning the responsibility of being a mother at all times and places is that mother’s health is poor. Whether it is something very serious or occasional headaches, I’ve heard excuses from everyone… including myself! I also find that other women, with the same or worse symptoms, can rise above their infirmities and make themselves do what is difficult. Mothering is a rewarding wonderful thing. It is also hard work and sometimes heartache.
Children’s Health
Closely related to the Mother’s health is the health of her child. He may have a chronic condition, or she may simply allow him to become ugly during illnesses. I have met parents with a chronically ill child that made more excuses for that child than some presidents have for their immoral behavior. It is sad to see the other children in a family neglected as the mother concentrates her time and attention on the child who ‘needs her most’. Mother, you are responsible for all of your children. A sick child must be trained to overcome self and learn to defer to others just as much as a well child. Whether we are talking about physical, mental, emotional, or learning infirmities, it is the responsibility of the parents to train the child to the glory of God.
Anger
This is one of the most amazing of excuses. It is the one I find myself using the most. “I am angry with this child. It would be wrong for me to handle this situation while I’m angry. I’ll have to wait until I am calm again.” Time goes on, and the child is neglected while we nurse our anger in order to avoid our duty to the child. Mother, get over your anger. Control the anger. Send the child to the other room, gather your training tools, and enter that room in control. You may still be angry but it is a myth that you cannot discipline a child while angry. It is WRONG to discipline IN ANGER, but it is not wrong to discipline a child if you happen to be angry at the same time. You must control yourself and your anger, but you do not have to allow your child to get away with sin because you have sin in your heart as well.
Tiredness/Exhaustion
This one is so hard for so many mothers. You didn’t get enough sleep last night. The baby was awake, teething, fussing, colicky, or a myriad of other sleep related problems. You have an undiagnosed thyroid problem. You have chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. You have back pain that makes it impossible to sleep. Insomnia, pregnancy, or simple overwork can cause you to feel incapable of getting up one more time to deal with that child. Let me ask you a difficult question. If you had to go to the bathroom NOW or mess your pants, would you get up? If you would not get up, nasty pants or not, then by all means, let yourself rest a moment more… but if you can get up to go to the bathroom, you can get up to deal with a child. If your house were on fire… would you make it out the front door or be overtaken because of your exhaustion? Proverbs says that you save a soul from HELL when you turn someone from the error of his way (James 5). Mother… you can do it. You can. You just don’t ‘feel’ like you can and feelings lie. Do not trust them. Be completely honest with yourself. Do not say “I can’t” when you really mean “I won’t” or “I don’t want to”. The very least you can do is avoid lying to yourself.
Failure
While failure is inevitable, we all fail; it is no excuse for not trying again. It is like falling off a horse. For your sake and the horse’s, you must get back up on that horse and ride it. I have even heard of people with a broken leg, getting back on the horse, in spite of the pain, in order to show the horse whose ‘boss’ and to avoid letting fear take over. That kind of dedication is what your children need to see.
Home Schooling
One child’s need for a spelling test is not more important than your toddler’s need for correction when he is trying to dismantle Daddy’s stereo system. The words will wait. If your child does not know his spelling words enough to wait ten minutes and do something else during that time, then perhaps your child needs to study a bit more anyway. You cannot let the younger or children that are more ‘needy’ tyrannize your school day, but neither can you let their academic education rule over their characters. Give me a simply educated honorable young person over an academic buffoon any day.
Care for other children
Momma, the diaper can wait. That child could have filled it at midnight and you would not have known about it until six or seven the next morning. If he can sleep through it… he can sit in it for another ten minutes. If you have the diaper half off, refasten it, put the child on the floor, and deal with the culprit that is causing you to miss this marvelous diapering experience in the first place. If you are helping a sick child, sometimes you cannot leave them to vomit in a bowl to handle a child smart mouthing you. I agree. However, you can, as soon as you can move away for a moment, bring the offender to your side and handle it there. Yes, I do prefer that discipline be done privately, and I would turn my back to the sick child, but if another child wants to try to take advantage of a bad situation, then he will have to suffer for the consequences.
Housework/Meals
I would not have added this if I had not heard this argument with my own two ears. Yes, there are people who will use the excuse that the vacuum is running, or the stuff might burn on the stove, or… or… or… Mother, the vacuum can be turned off. The stove can be turned off. The windows will wait, the floor can be re-mopped, and the water doesn’t have to be allowed to run unchecked as you deal with the child. Turn it off and deal with the problem.
Friendships
Just because you have company in your home, does not mean that your responsibility to your children is lessened. They still come first. It is still your job to train. You might have to cut the visit short. It might feel rude. I am sorry, but if you will put your visit with your friend above the spiritual well being of your child (And ignoring sin is DEFINITELY putting your friend ahead of your child’s spiritual well being) then you have misplaced priorities and need to get right with the Lord. Do you give your friend the best of your baking? Do you speak more gently to your friend than to your family? Do you overlook an offense by a friend but react with ugliness when a family member offends? Why do those who we should love, honor, and respect the most, get the worst of our behavior?
Family
You can easily let the needs of extended family run your home. While we are to honor, respect and love our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents, we are not to neglect our children and their training for the needs of those who will not answer for our neglect of those children.
“What people might think”
Mother, whose opinion is really the one that counts? Your mother’s? Your mother-in-law’s? God’s? The answer is so simple and yet so often we really do allow the opinions of others to influence our decisions, actions and thoughts. Don’t become so focused upon your own ideas that you can’t learn from those who have the wisdom of a life time behind their statements, but neither do you allow opinions that are not Godly to override the Word. Bathe each ’suggestion’ or opinion in prayer, immerse yourself in the Word and proceed with caution denying self, taking up your cross, and following HIM.
Ministry
Oh, this one sounds so spiritual! I have to study for my Women’s Bible Study! I must have my quiet time uninterrupted! I am making a dinner for a bed-ridden widow! The orphans need blankets! Momma… your babies need YOU. That widow won’t starve, those orphans have done without through today, the Bible Study can make it with less preparation and you can find another time for your quiet time or you can learn to handle occasional interruptions. However, if you teach your children that they can disobey or run wild while you are ’spiritual’ you will turn them into copies of Eli and Samuel’s sons.
Hobbies
I need my time! I need something to keep me sane. It may be so. Who knows? However, I do know that if you allow your hobbies to take precedence over the training, nurturing and loving of your children, you will lose them to their own selfish desires. Find a time to read, paint, sew, crochet, cross-stitch, quilt, or scrapbook when the children are not likely to interfere. If they do, STOP what you are doing and be a mother first. In no time, you will find that you are rarely interrupted. MAKE THE INVESTMENT.
Phone
If you will not get off the phone when trouble arises, then do not allow yourself to get on it for a while. Then train yourself by pretending to talk on the phone as you go about your day. Tell your fake ‘friend’ “Please excuse me… I will have to call you back. My children need my attention.” Finally, try it ‘for real’. Get on the phone when you are sure that they will ‘challenge’ you and be prepared to get off the phone. Make sure that you call someone who will ‘let you off’. Do not start with the acid-test woman who does not take a ‘goodbye’ seriously.
Computer
Message boards. Email. Instant Messengers. What do these things have in common? They are time eaters and attention grabbers. While you’re gabbing about the latest curriculum on a message board or instant messenger, your child could be destroying his sibling’s math book. Please be sure you add another book to the shopping list you started when the conversation got interesting, will you? You can email a friend back and forth for hours, trying to help save her marriage while your children roam the house, eat half of tomorrow’s lunch for snack today and destroy the newly planted garden that your husband worked so hard on. While you talk to a friend about how to train her two-year-old not to touch the wood stove, your two year old could be catching the house on fire. This does not mean, of course, that you never talk on the phone, use the messenger, email, etc… this does mean that you have to CONTROL THEM, instead of letting them control you. How sad that we are so quickly enslaved to that which is good and turn it into that which is destroying the home God has given to you to keep and nurture for His glory.
Overwhelmed
This is my pet sin and my most difficult fault to overcome. When I become overwhelmed, I shut down mentally, emotionally, and physically. I give up. A small part of this is something that I cannot change. The initial shutdown process is involuntary. The way that I tend to STAY shutdown is another story. I have a tendency to allow my momentary weakness to fester, grow and blossom into the ugliest piece of nothing you have ever seen. When overwhelmed, find SOME WAY OUT. Call for help. Keep a list of things that you know you can do when you ARE overwhelmed. Gather your children close and pray. Do whatever is necessary to the moment. Do not give into your weak moment. Do not allow your pitiful self to rule your better self. DO work hard to drag yourself out as soon as you can. Take baby steps until you can walk normally again. If you can’t school all of the children at this particular moment because something isn’t working, STOP. Send them all out for independent reading. Help the one who needs the most help and send the others to write/draw a story. Put on a history tape or video and watch it with them. DO something to overcome the problem even if it’s small. You’ll find that in no time, you are back to your normal self.
Home Business
Ouch. This one hurts. During the busy season, I have been guilty of putting the business over everything in my life, including myself, my husband, my children and my God. I learned quickly that this cannot happen… but that did not change that it did. Eventually I tailored my business so that it can only happen if I encourage it to. I found that I had a weak spot and I plugged up the dyke so to speak. If you are going to have a business, make sure that it fits the proper place in your life. If it comes before God, or children… you will regret it. I guarantee it.
Anxiety/Depression
I am treading lightly here. I do not want to imply that having anxiety or depression problems are just an excuse to get out of doing our jobs. True anxiety/depression problems are not what I am ‘getting at’. What I DO see, all too often, is women USING these problems as an excuse. Many truly do not have the problems that they think they do, many have these problems but can have some control over them and some simply must have help. I am amazed at what a person who suffers from DEEP depression can handle. Suffice it to say, it is hard, it is lonely and discouraging, but you can do it. The Lord will help you. Ask for help from friends, the church, family or whomever you can but do not let a genuine problem create a NEW one in your life. Find away to work THROUGH your depression/anxiety, just do not use it as an ‘out’. Those who are using it as a cop-out… you are the only ones who really know who you are. Please, for the sake of yourself, your family and those who truly have a problem be sure your problems are genuine before allowing them to cripple you.
Confusion/Lack of knowledge/direction
Lack of direction or knowledge is excuse only to grow more in wisdom and knowledge and trust in the Lord. It is not a cop-out for those who want to quit. If you do not know what to do, find someone who has been there already and done the job well, and then ask. Pray. Read books. Ask your husband. Ask a pastor, or minister or elder. Find a Titus 2 mentor and ask them. Find a message board with mothers who have been there and ask them. We do not have to walk the road completely alone. We can follow in the footsteps of others. However, using lack of understanding as an excuse to do nothing is foolish, unwise, and sinful.
Finances
Your lack of income, or abundance of it, does not give you the right to give up on the life that the Lord has provided for you. The poorest of our poor in America have lives of luxury compared to 85% of the world. Yes, some of us struggle. Some of us have husbands who work three jobs to keep our families fed. Some of us have husbands who work three jobs in order to fund fat retirement funds and we never see them either. The point is; do you really want to stand before the Lord and say, “I was too worried about how to pay the gas bill to train my child in Godliness.” Come on Mama… you can do it. No excuse is worth the despair you will feel when your children go astray because you were too busy shopping online or fretting over a financial situation that would not be solved by your fretting.
Spouse (Lack of support, not a Christian etc)
Having an unbelieving, unsupportive, unkind, uncaring, or absent spouse only means that your children need you more, not less. Shouldering the burden of two is not easy, but widows have done it for centuries and usually much better than today’s families with two parents. It is not easy. I understand that. Most things that are worth having do not drop in your lap. Nevertheless, you will not regret it. When your grandchildren are walking with the Lord, will you be sorry that you invested that time, in spite of your exhaustion and frustration?
Pregnancy/Nursing
Here is another area where I am a wimp. Morning sickness can wipe a mother out. I have heard of mothers, crawling from the toilet where they just vomited to handle a child who would not obey while mom lost her lunch. That is dedication. I wanted to avoid ‘personal anecdotes but I must give this one. When pregnant with my third child, my oldest, who was just three or so, defied me. I was lying on the couch, green with morning sickness and wondering how to handle this child. I could have gotten up. Honestly, I could have. Deep down I knew that I could. If the phone had rung, I probably would have ignored it. If something had broken in the kitchen, I would have gotten up to clean up the shards for safety’s sake. I COULD do it, I did not want to. Therefore, instead of taking my child to her room and dealing with her attitude, I sent her to bed. Shock crossed her face before she fled to bed sobbing. I thought at first, that she was really being ‘punished’. Then I noticed the change in tone. It went from cries of hurt to deep wrenching sobs. My child was truly heartbroken. I dragged myself off the couch and went to see the problem. I did not expect my words to be thrown in my face the way that they were. When asked what the problem was, my daughter wailed, “You don’t love me.” As you can imagine I was astounded. I asked what she meant and her response was clear. “You said that when I did not obey that you spanked me because you love me. You said that if you didn’t love me you wouldn’t do it because you don’t like to have to do it. You didn’t spank me and I told you NO! You don’t love me!” (Side note; be prepared to eat your words. Make sure you never say what you do not mean and will not back up with actions!) This was a great lesson to me that I have NEVER forgotten.
On the nursing side, mother, your baby won’t starve or become emotionally warped if you set him down to deal with a child who is misbehaving. If they see that NOTHING short of being unable to get off the toilet, (I mean, it’d be ultimate dedication to do that!!!) will keep you from loving them enough to discipline them, they’ll quickly learn it isn’t worth the trouble. Meanwhile, your baby will inadvertently be trained that if food is forthcoming, and leaves, it will come again. Patience training at age three months. Not too shabby mom!
Emotional immaturity
Unfortunately, this is a very real problem with many mothers. We are sensitive, needy and whiney. We want our way and we want it now. How pathetic we are. The only advice that I can honestly give here is, grow up. Get over it. Suck it up, deal with life, and learn to look at the beautiful things in life instead of dwelling on that which you cannot change.
I’ll continue in my next blog…
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After reading the complaints and arguments and rantings of women who are disgusted at the state of biblical authority, I have come to the conclusion that I was wrong.
Men are required to love us as Christ loved the church. SELF SACRIFICIALLY. Women are told to submit. Women whine and cry at the injustice of them being told to submit when it is their opinion that their husbands are not being the kind of leaders, lovers, or men that God requires. “Why is it always WOMEN’s fault. Why do WE have to do all the hard stuff.”
Yeah. Why do we. I mean after all, the guys get the fun stuff right? It isn’t optional for them to work outside the home or inside. It isn’t an issue. No arguments are ever made as to whether or not men are biblically commanded to provide for their families. THEY have it easy. They just have to do it. Day in, day out, year after year. How nice. It’s EASY for them to do that you know. THEY don’t have the dilemma of which is right.
Oh, and LEADERSHIP. Those guys don’t know beans about it but we sure want it done… and our way. “I insist that you lead this family in a godly direction!” And we wax eloquent on how we insist that this be done.
It’s time women rise up and demand our place in the church. We MUST stick within scriptural guidelines, so we cannot insist that WE be the leaders… that the men submit to US… that WE be responsible for the provision of families. This goes too far. However, before we submit to one more stupid requirement of our husbands, we need to demand our right to be loved as Christ loved the church. We need to demand that our husbands fill THEIR scriptural roles.
God will understand why we didn’t do what He required of us during this time. After all, we WANTED to submit… these guys were just getting away with murder and we were doing our part to encourage them to be who GOD said to be. We’re being so helpful. It’s really quite loving.
So, I retract all of my previous admonitions for women to do what is right regardless of what their husbands do. How foolish of me. We need to insist on our rights to RECEIVE. We need to hold our obedience to the Lord hostage until our husbands are as obedient to the Word as we think they should be. Perhaps if women rise up we can eradicate the abuse of authority in homes much as the temperance women eradicated drunkenness with their prostests, pledges, and laws. |
