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There is nothing (ok, so there is probably something but it feels, at this particular moment as though there is nothing) more insulting than to hear, “It must be nice to have easy kids.”
Let me give you a news flash. I’ve never seen an “easy” kid. Even those who don’t challenge you directly, have their own quirks and problems that result in much work on the part of parents. Just take note, right now, there are no “easy kids”. There might be kids who pull wool over their parents’ eyes, kids who are hard for a time and then easy, kids who are easy for a time and then hard, but every person at some point in their life, must confront their own sinfulness and conquer it and it’s the job of parents to do their part.
But back to insults. There is nothing more frustrating to a parent who has put hundreds or thousands of hours investing in their child, working through character flaws, training in obedience and godliness, only to have that effort tossed in the garbage with a thoughtless, “it must be nice to have easy kids.”
I’ve heard it, and I have friends who have heard it and I guarantee, we all have shortened tongues from where we’ve bitten the ends off trying not to make snarky retorts to the inaccurate and annoying comments of people who have no clue what we go through to “produce” those “easy kids.”
- I’ve put a child’s entire birthday cake/meal back on the shelves and left the store with nothing for a bad attitude.
- A friend has crawled in between bouts of vomiting to deal with a child who refused to obey before crawling back to that toilet.
- Everyone of my babies (except the eldest obviously) has been put down mid-feeding while I dealt with an errant child who thought they could get away with murder while mom was latched to the infant.
- I’ve held fake conversations on the phone, for hours, in order to train my children that it doesn’t matter WHAT I am doing, I will stop any conversation and deal with misbehavior.
- I’ve dragged sobbing children back to stores and made them return stolen items, pay for said items, and leave without said items.
- I’ve spent four hours, at a friend’s house, working with a stubborn toddler, until she obeyed. During pregnancy, while contracting, and wanting nothing but a long nap… for all of us!
- I have a friend who has spent twice that time doing the same thing with her “easy kid”.
I could go on for hours, but the fact is, I don’t have to prove to anyone that my kid is just as sinful as the next. That really isn’t even my point. My point is that when I say, “My kid wouldn’t ever try that in my home,” it isn’t because he wouldn’t have at one point. It is because I worked hard, every day of their lives, from the day they were born until they leaned that mom and dad’s word was like the law of the Medes and the Persians. It will not waver. Yes I failed. Often. I will tell you, however, that I succeeded often enough to make a lasting impression.
Why do people recognize all the work that goes into an exquisite painting, a masterfully played sonata, or a hand stitched quilt but if a child is well behaved, it must be because he’s “easy”. Why do people think that “good kids” just “happen” to run in families? Wouldn’t it make more sense that they’d be sprinkled a bit more evenly through the population?
Do hard working moms everywhere a favor. Next time you see a well behaved child, make a positive comment about the child or their behavior. Please don’t tell the mom how nice it must be to have an “easy child”. It would truly be kinder if you slapped her in the face.
Parental love is sacrificing comfort to conceive, carry, and bear a child. It is night feedings, and endless dirty diapers. It is helping through illness, and through wellness and all of the ‘nesses’ in between.
Parental love is encouraging a child to do right and preventing him from being allowed to do wrong. It is a hug in the morning, a swat after rebellion, and a kiss before bedtime.
This special love is reading a book, and teaching a child to read the book, and then insisting that the child read a book. It is prayers, tears, laughter and heartache.
It is love that says, “I’ll forgive anything, and forbid almost as much.”
Love inspires, trains, encourages, refrains, and equips. Then parental love sends the grown child on his way. It stands back in the shadows and waits. It is ready to help, but unwilling to control in the same way. Where once love was responsible for all, now love is a counselor and an observer. Parental love waits and hopes patiently until it sees that it has borne the most beautiful fruit that Parental Love can bear… more love. Nothing is more beautiful than when love has sprouted anew, in a new home, with a new family, and with new people.
I have a heart for parents. I have a zeal for parenting. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I value the investment that parents must make if they dare to rear a child.
And anyone who knows me knows I’ve failed. Repeatedly. I am like the new toddler. I fall down, I get up, I fall down, I get up. Over. and Over. And OVER. But it’s my passion. It’s my focus as an adult.
When I was newly married, I did a little Bible Study on Homemaking. It was a tiny little booklet, but it asked me to choose two things to major in as a homemaker. I chose child rearing and sewing. I find that fascinating considering those are two of my three biggest passions. I would possibly have put writing over one of those at that time but it didn’t seem to fit in the homemaking theme so I didn’t even consider it.
I am a fairly strict mother. I don’t put up with nonsense. My kids are so funny. Any slight bickering by one or two and I hear from another, “Mom, why are they FIGHTING!” My poor kids are so deprived. They have no idea of what the average Joe means by fighting. I’ll keep it that way and keep squashing the bickering in the process. I don’t allow bickering. I told you I was mean.
When children are under five, they’re fairly simple creatures, aren’t they? If you’re consistent from day one, the job is reasonably simple. Keep eyes and ears on them, nip problems before they become full blown plants, and invest in them. Infuse them with the Word. Show them Jesus. Be consistent. Did I say be consistent? Well, if I didn’t, do it. Be consistent.
But, then they grow up. They mature. Each moment of every day brings them closer to that point where they stand alone before the Lord for their actions. As parents, we have to decide. Are we going to hold their hands indefinitely or will the day come when we start letting them fly on their own. Sure, we want to keep them around the nest… they’re family! We don’t want to see our families fractured all over the globe but neither do we want to see them handicapped. A bird who never flies is vulnerable. They need that ability. Children (as they reach adulthood) are the same. That day comes when we should be working ourselves out of a job. Not that our role as advisor or counselor ever ends- I don’t believe it does unless we disqualify ourselves, but the day of directing their footsteps (or wing stretches) does end. At some point, we have to see if they can not only survive, but grow and flourish without our constant supervision.
We don’t rear children. We rear adults. Too often, children are left to their own devices too young. At eight and nine they’re deciding if so and so is a good boyfriend or if this R rated movie is acceptable. They choose their diet and their wardrobe and if they want to go somewhere, they inform, they wouldn’t dream of asking for permission! This is alarming and I agree that it isn’t appropriate. But the answer isn’t the opposite extreme. At fifteen, seventeen, nineteen… we should hope our children are ready to make those decisions. My Morgann, nineteen and in college, shouldn’t have to ask permission to leave the house! She’s an adult. Courtesy demands she inform- I do the same when I leave, but she shouldn’t have to ask. Braelyn doesn’t have to ask anymore. I expect to know where and if she says somewhere that is in my opinion, inappropriate, I do reserve the right to veto but seriously, it hasn’t happened yet.
I’ve been accused of “lowering my standards” with my older children. Because my younger daughters are not allowed to wear pants as a general rule, people have raised eyebrows that my older girls have moved into jeans. Horrors! All along, I’ve said that I don’t believe wearing pants are a sin. My girls know that. If I had believed that, I wouldn’t have given my blessing for pants to be worn in my home. Period. However, once they’re making most of the decisions for their lives, if they choose clothing that I don’t care for but aren’t indecent, I have no room to object. I expect that my children will make decisions that are vastly different than me… I don’t expect them to violate Biblical principles… that’s something entirely different. However, if they choose a method I personally don’t like, well, tuff luck to me. I’m not going to dictate their life indefinitely! I don’t want that job!
My girls have made decisions I don’t care for. I’m not going into them because the decisions aren’t SINS. Sin is the only area I’ll make a stand on. If I see them making a poor choice, well yes, I’ll counsel them but I ‘m not going to jump in and interfere. At some point, they have to fly and if their course takes them the long way there, or through a windy tunnel, well, they should have listened to the advice of their elders but seriously, if it isn’t a safety or sin issue, I really don’t want to overrule that much of their lives.
As the ultimate Parent, God trains us. He rears us slowly and patiently but He also lets us fall on our face as we’re learning to toddle around before He gently picks us up and helps us on our way again. Sometimes, we head in unsafe directions that are too dangerous and He blocks the way. As we get older and more mature, He sometimes steps aside and lets His love and teaching do the blocking. Occasionally we ignore Him and pay the price. The price is deep. “Whom the Lord loves, He chastens” and scourges… Did you see the word scourge? He doesnt’ let us get away with our folly but He does let us blow it eventually.
Do I throw my kids out to the wolves the day they turn eighteen? Of course not. Do I expect them to make wise decisions? Yes. I am confident that most of the decisions my children will make will be reasonably intelligent and wise. Do I think that they’ll make stupid mistakes? Definitely. Will I regret not keeping them under my overbearing authority indefinitely? Never.
Day 50. (Monday) Friendships. How do they enhance your relationship with your children, their relationship with each other, and the like? What needs to change in your family’s friendships? What needs to stay the same? I’m going to be very transparent here. I chose not to make a few friendships the issue I should have and it has negatively impacted our family. No, my children are not ruined forever and frankly, for the most part, it wasn’t the children but the PARENTS who were the actual issue. Adults have a terrible habit of undermining authority when they disagree with another family’s choices. Again, none of it was huge, but it is something I am taking seriously with my younger children now that I’ve felt the effects of it.
Day 51. (Tuesday) Role models. Children find them everywhere. Whether an older child at church, a favorite cousin, a sibling, the elderly or young and hip neighbor next door, or a celebrity, our children do tend to find role models- even if it’s simply someone from a book. Who are your children’s role models? Listen, talk, think. Discover those role models.
Day 52. (Wednesday) Ok, back to role models. Did you write them down? Think about the long-term consequences of that particular person as a role model. Is this one you WANT for your child? Don’t look for perfection- it’s not out there. Look for someone who recognizes their weaknesses and strives to overcome them. This is much more important than the arrogant assumption that you have none! If the role model is truly not suitable (Say, Britney Spears for example… snort) what can you do to redirect your child to someone more appropriate? A caution. Don’t try to clone your children into carbon copies of the Christian celebrity family out there that you admire. You are not the Phillips, Botkins, Maxwells, Barths, or whomever… you are the (insert last name here) and Jesus made your children unique and special. Who in their life will enrich who they are in Christ rather than feed the flesh? And preferably without a sanctimonious air. (Children are naturally –and wisely- repulsed by sanctimonious airs.)
Day 53. (Thursday) A new direction on role models. It’s time to examine self once more. How are YOU succeeding as a role model for your own children? What traits, strengths, character qualities etc do you exhibit that your children should emulate? What weaknesses, flaws, and sins do you pray they never wrestle with? How can you be a better role model for your own children? What do you need to change? Where do you need to grow?
Day 54. (Friday) Thank your husband today. Look him in the eye and tell him how much you appreciate who he is, what he does, how he relates- whatever you are thankful for. Show it. I think we often forget just how much our actions set the tone for the house and that in turn influences behavior. Emulate the behaviors you want in your children.
Day 55. (Saturday) Today is optional but I strongly recommend it. Live today as if it was the “Final Exam” of your parenting. You’re to be graded on the following: tone, consistency, justice, selflessness, training, teaching, and self-control. How did you do on TODAY’s test. Don’t remember yesterday’s failure. Consider yesterday prep for the test and leave it in the past. Today is just today. What if your life depended on it? What if your CHILD’s life depended on it? I have news for you, their spiritual lives and their physical ones here, are that deeply affected by our parenting. We’re not responsible for their failures but we certainly are responsible for ours in failing to do our job. Try it.
Day 56. (Sunday) Today, write your children a letter. Tell them of your love for them and your dreams for them. Tell them where you know you’ve failed and where you see them growing in wisdom, stature, and in favor with God and man. Voice your appreciation for the gift that they are from the Lord. If they’re old enough to be blessed by it, give the letter to them. Otherwise, store it with their birth certificates or something like that and save it for later. You’ll be glad you did.
You worked hard. You fought this good fight. You ran this race. You finished this mini course. Now, go and do it again. And again. And again. Never quit. Never falter. Do not grow weary. Love your children and remember that God didn’t make a mistake when He gave them into your care… especially on days when it seems like He did.
Day 43. (Monday) Today is fresh with no mistakes in it. None. You are free from error. Don’t worry, it won’t last. At some point something is going to go wrong. How will you handle it? If you have a plan for how to respond when things go awry, you are more likely to respond in a constructive manner. If someone whines, what will you do? If someone pitches a fit, even if it isn’t a traditional tantrum, what will you do? If everything starts to go wrong, how will you change the course of the day? Be prepared. Maintain your tone, your goals, your plans, but let’s find a way to succeed before you need to.
Day 44. (Tuesday) Time to get back to relationships. Watch your children. Those that get along best… why is that? Why do they get along so well? Why does their relationship flow? How can you foster that with all of them? What makes this better and worse? How can you improve it?
Day 45. (Wednesday) It’s make a memory day. What will you do? Will you have a water balloon fight? Will you make cookies and drink milk and hear about their day? Will you do a craft or watch a movie? Will you read books aloud until you go hoarse? Will you play “playground games” with them until you can’t think of anymore? Will you take them to a retirement home and sing to the residents? What about teaching them those songs you always mean to and never do? Make a memory… even if it’s just getting them out of bed for an after dark pajama ride in the car for 10 minutes.
Day 46. (Thursday) Today, I want you to keep maintaining but do something a little different. Think of a SECOND MOTHER to you. Someone who has demonstrated some part of motherhood that you try to emulate. Write her a quick note and tell her what it is and why. If she’s deceased, send it to her family if they’d like it or put it somewhere that you can read it again later. You probably will want to.
Day 47. (Friday) Back in the trenches. What areas are getting lax? Where are you missing things? What just doesn’t seem to flow right? Can you keep the kids in line but not talk on the phone? Can you parent but not parent AND _________? Fill in the blank. Today you’re going to try that thing. Whatever that thing is, try it. Get help. Ask for suggestions, whatever it takes to succeed, but you can’t avoid parts of life just because they are difficult. You have to be able to do both. So let’s do both today.
Day 48. (Saturday) We’re continuing yesterday. You need to make life flow. There is more to life than parenting even if it is such a vital part of a mother’s life. You all must eat, you must be able to talk on the phone or write an email without the house falling apart. Keep working on that plan.
Day 49. (Sunday) Today is a working “day of rest”. You’re going to keep on with the flow of life while parenting. Don’t ignore problems but don’t look for them either. You’ve got enough to do without adding to the plate by searching for things to pile on it but don’t walk past something that needs attention. Work on the flow. Flow. Flow. Flow.
Day 36. (Monday) Watch your children. Do two of them clash more than the others? Why? Not just “Joey picks on Frankie and then Frankie gets mad and hits Joey and…” Go deeper. Observe. Is there a third party instigating something? Is there an unapparent “gang up” thing going on? Does one have a legitimate complaint but feels like he’ll never get anywhere? Do you let things slide because you just can’t deal with it?
You know, from the outside looking in, I’ve seen a lot of things that those living in the family missed. I distinctly remember one family who had a series of boys just a little older and the age of our girls. The dynamics were interesting.
Boy 1 was the oldest. Boy 2 was often paired with boy one but never lone. It was either N or N & M but never M. M was also academically brighter than N. However, M was held back so as not to make N feel badly. I always wondered why the parents couldn’t see how bad this made M feel. It wasn’t malicious or deliberate… it was an attempt to do the right thing without seeing the whole picture.
Behind N & M came C & J. C & J picked up on M’s frustration… he had no niche in the family. Areas where he could excel were squashed and he was visibly frustrated in life but even he knew none of the frustration was deliberate. C & J would pick at M. M knew better than to get involved. “Don’t let it bug you… just let it roll off.” You could see it in his face. But the little guys would keep going. They knew he had a limit and how far they could push it. They also knew exactly how to make that final nudge look like it wasn’t their doing. They were expert teasers. Eventually M would lose it, lash out, and then you’d hear mom calling, “MMMMMMMMM!” He’d be stuck on the couch for an hour or so while the little guys got to do whatever they wanted without his interference. Mom never did see that goading that I did. It’s so much easier to see things from the outside, and of course, it might not have happened when I wasn’t around. Having extra people in the house could have changed their dynamics. The kids were smart but not smart enough to realize that hiding from mom wasn’t enough if another adult was around. I saw it and I got it. BTW, all kids grew up to be fine young men and have great relationships. Whatever happened when we were there, something happened to make it work out beautifully when we weren’t.
So, are there things like that going on when you’re not watching? Can you put a recorder up in a room and watch to see what the root is?
Today you watch. Keep guard over your own tongue, don’t let the kids get away with anything you’ve been working on, build their strengths if the opportunity presents, catch em doing right, but other than that, watch. Take notes. Get help. Ask in the forums here if anyone has ideas what could be the root. And eventually, you’ll see a pattern. That pattern is what you want to find.
Day 37. (Tuesday) Did you identify your root problems with sibling relationships? Do they mimic any problems you have with your husband? That’s common you know? Do they sound like you in your interaction with your children? Do you cringe when their tone is identical to that “tone” you hate of yours?
Today, your job is to nip each thing you can the second it starts. A child groans or grunts at another child. Someone’s octaves start climbing. A look crosses a face. STOP IT. Step in instantly and say, “Woah there. I see that look. It means trouble. You’re getting upset and you’re going to do wrong.” The child will probably start instant justification. Stop him. “I didn’t ask for your defense. Hush.” Then turn to the next child and say, “What did you do to provoke him?” (If you didn’t know. If you DO know, tell him what he did. It is so irritating for people to ask you what you did when they know what you did. It’s one thing to do it as a lesson when the problem is a rare thing but when you’re going to be addressing a lot, just cut to the chase and do the Socratic questioning thing when you’ve overcome the bulk of the problem. Get to the nipping!
Day 38. (Wednesday) How did it go yesterday? What worked? What didn’t? Today you are going to pray for patience and the Wisdom of Solomon. Isn’t that what most child-like arguments are like? Pray hard. Don’t stop working on problems but PRAY HARD. If you have a clock with Westminster chimes, use those chimes as a call to prayer. That’s what church bells originally were you know. A reminder for everyone to pray. Keep working… don’t quit. But pray. You need to remember that you can do nothing without Jesus but through Him, you can do every single thing that He’s called you to do. Just. Do. It.
Day 39. (Thursday) Today is hard. Be prepared. You’re going to go to the child who clicks the least with you, whichever one butts heads with you or the one you don’t think quite knows how wonderful you know they are… which ever it is… and you’re going to ask them a few difficult questions. You can do this. Are you ready?
-
- “I’m sure you know in your head that I love you. Does your heart know it?
- “When do you think I am unjust?” (Explain the difference between unfair and unjust. They need to know that if fairness is attainable, you usually do try to achieve that but your primary concern is that you are JUST.)
- “Do I keep my word?” Be ready for a surprise. I’ve never been able to guess which children would answer how. I am always SURE I will know… and then when I’m wrong I remember… oops! I’m never right on this one. At this point, I think I just over think it trying to be right for once!
- “What is one thing that I could do to show you that I’m on your side?
Remember, your children know in their heads more than they feel in their hearts. You don’t want to train hem to rely on their feelings as though they are true. They’re real, and shouldn’t be trampled thoughtlessly but they need to learn that truth is often obscured by emotion and feelings are fed by emotion. I’m not into the validating thing where every feeling needs to be acknowledged but neither am I so callous as to pretend that what is in your heart can hide what your intellect knows to be true. One is going to feel like a lie if they conflict and most people will listen to the heart rather than to the brain.
Day 40. (Friday) I think after yesterday, it’s a day to recuperate. After all, you need to assess what you learned yesterday and see what you can do to change things. Tread water today. Ponder. Think. Don’t try to maintain momentum but don’t sink either. Just keep on keeping on. For the day.
Day 41. (Saturday) Ok, another toughie. Time to ask hubby where he thinks your weaknesses in parenting lie. Are you too tough? Too wimpy? Inconsistent? Blind to one child’s faults? Find a way to ask your questions in a way your husband won’t feel put on the spot. Some men like to be grilled and then it’s over. Others like to just answer a question at a time. Some don’t want to answer questions directly if it feels “loaded” so they avoid topics. Think about your husband’s personality before you do it but find out what he thinks. It’ll help you with your plan of “attack” next week.
Day 42. (Sunday) Day of rest. Keep maintaining. Keep on keeping on. Don’t try to go forward but pray about what you’ve learned. Write down your concerns when they arise but don’t look for things to write down. Rest. Be still. You know He is God. Let Him speak to you in the stillness of His Word.
Day 29. (Monday) What is the one thing that you CAN do today that would tell your children that you are on their side? Would it be showing mercy? You’ve banned all movies, video games, series books, board games, bicycles, or whatnot from the house for some reason or another. Perhaps they were careless. Perhaps they were irresponsible. Maybe they were defiant.
Declare a “Day of Jubilee.” This is the day where you get up in the morning, set the kids down on the couch, and read them the passage from the OT that talks about the Year of Jubilee. You then close the Word and explain what it means. Then you say, “You earned this consequence by your behavior. However, I am declaring a “Day of Jubilee” for all infractions. The board is wiped clean. I am doing this because sometimes I think that we all forget that we’re on the same team. We’re going to do xyz today. Make it something that shows you’ll sacrifice your preferences for their happiness. Let them see it.
Day 30. (Tuesday) This is where it gets both easier and more complicated. You need to move into child three/C. You need to keep your eye on A and B as well as focus on C. BUT… we also need to start addressing little things that can add up to those camel back breaking straws so you’re going to have to do this on your own or just maintain the other two and work on Child C-Z after the 56 days are over. We’re over half day done!
Ok, so now we’re going to work on tone. Today, listen for your tone and your children’s tones. Most likely, they mimic you more than you think. Do you have any idea how many parents whine at their children? Then they’re surprised to hear their children constantly whining at them. Are your children hyper critical? Did they get it from you? Talk to them. Show them where you sound wrong and where they are echoing it. Call it “Vocal Awareness” day and feel oh so politically correct. Whatever it takes to kick your butler in gear!
Day 31. (Wednesday) We’ll continue with vocal-ity. Continue to watch your own tone and their tone with you but your main focus is to catch them as they’re speaking inappropriately with each other. I mean mid-sentence! The child starts off either too harsh, too loud, whining, whatever at a sibling and you jump in before the third word gets out of their mouth. “Stop. Should you say what you’re about to say? If it shouldn’t be said at all, stop now. Walk away and decide not to say what shouldn’t be said. If you should say it, change HOW you say it. Lower your voice, soften your voice, and remember that there is a person there. Family. They should get your best and most loving, not your most hateful. Try it again.”
Day 32. (Thursday) Catch them speaking right. Yep. That’s it. For today all you do is catch them speaking right. Catch them often. Catch them even if it means that you compliment how they correct their speech at your instruction. Catch them.
Day 33. (Friday) Day of fun. Yep, it’s just a day of fun. Maintain but find SOMETHING fun to do WITH them. Read a book, play a game, tell them a story about when you were little, or even watch a movie! Whatever it takes. Bake cookies. Play hide and seek. Build a fort under a table and read books and eat popcorn under there. If it’s too hot outside, turn on the cooler full blast for half an hour and have a popcorn fight. Just air popped corn. Vacuum up and go back to your normal life but DO SOMETHING FUN. Something that says, “mom is glad we’re a part of her life and wants us to have happy times.”
Day 34. (Saturday) You’re back to tones. Today though, watch YOUR tone with your HUSBAND. Do you show your respect for his position in the family by your tones? Do you speak hastily? Do you interrupt him? Watch yourself carefully. Whatever you do, don’t quit working with your children but watch yourself. Closely. If you’re brave, ask.
Day 35. (Sunday) Day of rest. However, whatever you do, don’t lose your careful work on tones and words. Don’t have roast preacher for dinner on the way to or home from church. Don’t have broiled gossip either. Keep criticisms between you and the Lord. Maintain.
Day 22. (Monday) Focus on child closest to “B” in your family. Do all the same steps you did with Child A. What talents does he seem to have? What are her strengths? Are there interests that he has that you’ve put off developing? Think through everything about that child that you can. Write them all down. Any ideas that come to mind, write those down too. The tricky part is, now you are working on Child A… you’re not leaving him behind. But, you’re also trying to notice B. Catching everything B needs and is, is very important. You need to be able to focus on all of your children simultaneously at times. One hint: Jesus was very good at focusing on “the one before him.” When he was helping the woman at the well, he gave her all of his available attention. He wasn’t trying to help all the women nearby. He didn’t call them over and ask them about their lives too in order to “maximize” his ministry. Focus on the child before you. If the other kids are playing a game and the toddler is in need of you, give him all of your attention. Don’t be looking or listening for the errors of the others unless it happens to be why they’re playing that game in the first place. 
Day 23. (Tuesday) Ok, today you’re going to find child B’s biggest area that needs redirection and focus on it. Just like you did with Child A, you’re going to catch every occurrence of whatever “sin” is his particular problem today. If he whines, you’re not going to miss a single solitary instance. (Well, you will but you’re going to work like you won’t). If he’s a thief, you’re going to make sure he gets plenty of opportunity to steal and you’re going to catch every single one of them OR you’re going to make sure he doesn’t get any chances to fall. He can’t steal anything no matter how hard he tries. Whichever way you want to make your focus, you’re going to do it.
Conversely, you’re going to catch him doing three things right. Make sure you get at least three things that he did right. If that means that you say, “I’ve noticed that every day you get up on time,” then so be it. Catch. Doing. Right.
Day 24. (Wednesday) Keep working with Child B but today you’re back to watching your tongue. You’ve been under a lot of stress. It’s hard work parenting. You have so much to do every day that it’s easy to let the irritants have a voice. Yours. It’s time to put the breaks on that again. Smile where you can, don’t let those kids get away with anything that they shouldn’t… but watch your tone. Exaggerate the gentle firmness if necessary. Speak slowly and clearly. Speak softly (soft for YOUR voice, not soft for the average person. If your voice is naturally soft, go softer… just a bit. If it’s naturally loud and crazy… the proverbial Italian or Greek “out there” voice… soften it a bit.) ENUNCIATE. Make every word be something you should say. Put aside all sarcasm, all whining (parents whine at their kids just as often as kids whine at parents in some homes, did you know that? Listen to yourself and make sure it isn’t you!), and defeat. Speak with the “law of kindness on your tongue. If necessary, be the kindergarten teacher that never loses her cool- even when she’s dying to. Don’t give up the ship of Child B but add in control over self.
Day 25. (Thursday) Again, help Child B succeed. Don’t give up on Child B’s main weakness. Keep a close watch out for it. But today, you’re going to focus on his strength. Give him something TO do that will make him a success rather than always drilling in what NOT to do. If he has a strong sense of justice and you’re usually harping on him to quit tattling, quit trying to control the sins of others etc, then find a way to channel that in a good way. Show him how God has made him is GOOD and it’s just how he’s using it that is wrong. Let him pour out that sense of justice in a cause that can truly benefit something and isn’t self-righteous. Have him write letters to congressmen on behalf of the unborn. Have him write notes of encouragement to soldiers. Have him be a referee for outdoor games with the rest of your children… whatever you can come up with that utilizes your child’s strength in a positive way. Find a way to do it, and help him see how a good thing (justice, decisiveness, tenacity, etc) can, when used selfishly or improperly, be a bad thing (glorying in other’s disgrace, impetuousness, stubbornness etc).
Day 26. (Friday) Today is a maintenance day. Keep the plates spinning. You’re trying to smile more. You want to control your tone and your tongue. You aren’t letting Children A and B get away with anything, you’re encouraging their strengths, AND… you’re keeping up with the other kids. They’re not relegated to the back room to be brought out when the first two have improved relationships. Noooooooo this is important stuff here.
Remember. You have nothing better to do than these children. Nothing. Dinner isn’t more important. Organizing that closet isn’t more important. Doing your scrapbook, reading your book, or watching that movie is not more important. Present yourself a living sacrifice to your Lord. Sacrifice self on the altar of obedience and “Train up” those children “in the way” they ’should go”.
Look, I know this is hard work. I know it sounds like a lot. It is a lot. But you can do it. I’m not asking you to do anything that God hasn’t already commanded. I’m just the reminder. The nag. Do it.
Day 27. (Saturday) Ok, it’s time to work on that thing. You know, that thing that drives you crazy. Maybe only one of your children do it, maybe they all do. What is it? What are you tackling today? What is your plan of attack? Ask for help. Get input. But do it. Today is your day to strike the first blow against whatever it is that is hurting your relationship with your children.
Day 28. (Sunday) Day of Rest. Smile. Tone. That scripture that says, “He remembers their sins no more…” Well, how about a day where they don’t hear once about their past mistakes. You get a rest from working for the most part and they get a rest from mom being “historical” about their errors. If that isn’t a problem for you, GREAT. You get a bigger rest and so do they!
Another week! You can do it!
Day 15. (Monday) You know how when you work on these things, you tend to do it by oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest? Well, this time we’re going alphabetically. Start with the child closest to “A” . What talents does he seem to have? What are her strengths? Are there interests that he has that you’ve put off developing? Think through everything about that child that you can. Write them all down. Any ideas that come to mind, write those down too.
Day 16. (Tuesday) Ok, today, look at yesterday’s lists. Child A. You’re going to do two main things today. First, you’re going to ensure you catch every occurrence of whatever “sin” is his particular problem today. If he whines, you’re not going to miss a single solitary instance. (Well, you will but you’re going to work like you won’t). If he’s a thief, you’re going to make sure he gets plenty of opportunity to steal and you’re going to catch every single one of them OR you’re going to make sure he doesn’t get any chances to fall. He can’t steal anything no matter how hard he tries. Whichever way you want to make your focus, you’re going to do it.
Conversely, you’re going to catch him doing three things right. Make sure you get at least three things that he did right. If that means that you say, “I’ve noticed that every day you get up on time,” then so be it. Catch. Doing. Right.
Day 17. (Wednesday) Don’t give up on Child A’s main weakness. Keep a close watch out for it. But today, you’re going to focus on his strength. Give him something TO do that will make him a success rather than always drilling in what NOT to do. If he has a strong sense of justice and you’re usually harping on him to quit tattling, quit trying to control the sins of others etc, then find a way to channel that in a good way. Show him how God has made him is GOOD and it’s just how he’s using it that is wrong. Let him pour out that sense of justice in a cause that can truly benefit something and isn’t self-righteous. Have him write letters to congressmen on behalf of the unborn. Have him write notes of encouragement to soldiers. Have him be a referee for outdoor games with the rest of your children… whatever you can come up with that utilizes your child’s strength in a positive way. Find a way to do it, and help him see how a good thing (justice, decisiveness, tenacity, etc) can, when used selfishly or improperly, be a bad thing (glorying in other’s disgrace, impetuousness, stubbornness etc).
Day 18. (Thursday) Keep focusing on this child. Don’t forget to smile. Keep writing down observations. Don’t ignore your other children but take special note of this kid in BOTH ways. Both negatively and positively, focus on child “A”. Meanwhile, what can you do to help make you feel refreshed in your parenting journey? Would a new book help? An hour of time alone with the Lord? An investment of time in your relationship with your children? Some kind of project or new toy/game etc that would enliven you? Maybe a new schedule? Maybe a mini schedule for part of the day even though most is unscheduled? Think about it and post what might help unless it is definitely private. Let’s see how we can help each other achieve a refreshing!
Day 19. (Friday) Keep focusing on this child. Don’t forget to smile. Keep writing down observations. Don’t ignore your other children but take special note of this kid in BOTH ways. Both negatively and positively, focus on child “A”.
Day 20. (Saturday) Watch how hubby interacts with this child. Is there something he does that you should emulate? Is there something he does you should make sure you balance or avoid? Have you ever written down goals for this child? Not “Johnny will be a theologian whose career as a neurosurgeon provides him with a mission field where he’ll convert patients left and right. He’ll also be a concert musician who spends his vacations on tour.” I’m talking about things like, “Johnny will learn to channel his energy to appropriate outlets in order to learn self-discipline. I will provide him with physical outlets in the form of…” Write down one goal.
Day 21. (Sunday) Day of rest. Don’t do more than maintenance. Keep up your countenance. Avoid allowing the stress of getting ready for church to get under your nails. As you help a child dress, pray for them. “Lord please help us prepare the feet in these shoes with the gospel of Peace so that he may bring others to you.”
We grew up. We got married. We had children. We taught them to eat, to crawl, to walk, to talk, and to say please and thank you. We taught them right from wrong and that Jesus loves them.
Then we taught them to read and to write. We taught them to add, subtract, multiply and divide. They learned to tell time and tie shoes. They learned that God is also a God of justice as well as mercy. They learned the Bible and how to sing praises to God.
They learned to deny the flesh and tell a friend no when tempted to do wrong. They also learned how to repent when they didn’t say no to their flesh. They had good moments and bad but we’re proud of them. They worked hard- maybe not as hard as we think they should have- and graduated from high school. They’re adults now.
Do we treat them like it? Have we ever given them a chance to make the wrong decision? Have we ever let them feel the effects of a dumb move? Do we rescue them from themselves before the full weight of their plans have hit?
Or worse, did we abandon them the day they turned 18 and left them scared and wondering what to do- never feeling like they can ask our advice or for our help?
Where is that balance? We have a generation of radically educated children who are entering adulthood. They’re really the second generation of children to graduate… the first are now homeschooling their own children. These kids rarely wondered if mom and dad were going to get in trouble for homeschooling. They didn’t worry about extra-curricular activities unless it was to prune down the choices.
Some families aren’t giving their children much guidance. They figure that they “raised their kids right” and it’s time for them to stretch those wings. Other families don’t seem to understand the concept of adult “children” in the home. I think it is time for a balance.
What both sides of the spectrum need is to understand how to live “moderately” in this arena of life. Our adult children ARE adults. We exasperate them if we try to keep them living as children doing “childish things” now that they are “men.” On the other hand, we’re to bear one another’s burdens. The older women are to instruct and disciple the younger women. The younger men are to look up to he older men and one presumes, learn from them.”
How effective is our parenting if we fail to prepare for them to stand on their own feet? What better place for them to do that standing than while they’re still “in our kitchen.” Do we really want to keep them in a “walker” as long as they’re in our house and then shove them into their own home without the walker? (Terrible example but you know what I mean.)
I have an eighteen year old daughter. She’s been making most of her own decisions for almost two years. She checks with us on everything but unless it’ a BAD idea, we don’t interefere. So far, we’ve never said NO but one or two ideas we did point out weren’t something we could agree with. She opted not to do them after further thought. I was really happy about that and, I confess, feeling quite smug until that sinking feeling in my stomach that said, “Would you be just as supportive and loving if she chose to do what was contrary to your preferences?”
Frankly, had I not thought of that BEFORE it happened, I can’t guarantee I would have. I would probably have had a LOUSY attitude- at least at first. If my child opted to SIN- to make a choice 100% contrary to scripture (marry an unbeliever, commit fornication and/or adultery, show disrespect for authorities in her life etc) then, no I can’t support that but I can still respond with love and without treating her in ways I’d never treat a stranger much less my adult child.
I hear wives repeatedly pleading for husbands who will “love them as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Yet, I also hear those same mothers who refuse to live with their adult children in “an understanding way.” Instead, they continue to treat those children as though they’re still dealing with a twelve year old. A child old enough to really help around the house but still kept vulnerable to the whim of their parents.
I think that one of the most important things is to define terminology such as honor, respect, obey, submit, and other terms that we toss around when discussing these topics. If we aren’t careful, we’ll find that what we have is adults who are perpetual teenagers.
We’re the parents of the leaders of the church and our communities of tomorrow. If we want them to embrace those roles, we’ve got to let them TRY. We have to treat them like the adults they are. We wouldn’t want our parents to dictate our choices, we really need to show the same respect for our children who are now coming into their adult “own.”
