You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August, 2008.
Day 43. (Monday) Today is fresh with no mistakes in it. None. You are free from error. Don’t worry, it won’t last. At some point something is going to go wrong. How will you handle it? If you have a plan for how to respond when things go awry, you are more likely to respond in a constructive manner. If someone whines, what will you do? If someone pitches a fit, even if it isn’t a traditional tantrum, what will you do? If everything starts to go wrong, how will you change the course of the day? Be prepared. Maintain your tone, your goals, your plans, but let’s find a way to succeed before you need to.
Day 44. (Tuesday) Time to get back to relationships. Watch your children. Those that get along best… why is that? Why do they get along so well? Why does their relationship flow? How can you foster that with all of them? What makes this better and worse? How can you improve it?
Day 45. (Wednesday) It’s make a memory day. What will you do? Will you have a water balloon fight? Will you make cookies and drink milk and hear about their day? Will you do a craft or watch a movie? Will you read books aloud until you go hoarse? Will you play “playground games” with them until you can’t think of anymore? Will you take them to a retirement home and sing to the residents? What about teaching them those songs you always mean to and never do? Make a memory… even if it’s just getting them out of bed for an after dark pajama ride in the car for 10 minutes.
Day 46. (Thursday) Today, I want you to keep maintaining but do something a little different. Think of a SECOND MOTHER to you. Someone who has demonstrated some part of motherhood that you try to emulate. Write her a quick note and tell her what it is and why. If she’s deceased, send it to her family if they’d like it or put it somewhere that you can read it again later. You probably will want to.
Day 47. (Friday) Back in the trenches. What areas are getting lax? Where are you missing things? What just doesn’t seem to flow right? Can you keep the kids in line but not talk on the phone? Can you parent but not parent AND _________? Fill in the blank. Today you’re going to try that thing. Whatever that thing is, try it. Get help. Ask for suggestions, whatever it takes to succeed, but you can’t avoid parts of life just because they are difficult. You have to be able to do both. So let’s do both today.
Day 48. (Saturday) We’re continuing yesterday. You need to make life flow. There is more to life than parenting even if it is such a vital part of a mother’s life. You all must eat, you must be able to talk on the phone or write an email without the house falling apart. Keep working on that plan.
Day 49. (Sunday) Today is a working “day of rest”. You’re going to keep on with the flow of life while parenting. Don’t ignore problems but don’t look for them either. You’ve got enough to do without adding to the plate by searching for things to pile on it but don’t walk past something that needs attention. Work on the flow. Flow. Flow. Flow.
This post is a reminder for myself. It’s something I intend to read every time I’m tempted to over complicate anything as a diversion from the job at hand.
Just do it- Don’t talk about it, don’t write about it, don’t think about it more and more and more… you’ve done that all ready. Just DO it.
Just do it- Don’t make a schedule, don’t find a workshop, don’t make more lists up, Just DO it.
Just do it- No more excuses. No more procrastination. No more diversions. Just DO it.
Just do it- Talking won’t help, thinking won’t finish, whining won’t work. Just DO it.
Just do it- A building isn’t functional while it is still on paper. Just DO it.
Just do it- An arrow looks lovely in a quiver but is useless unless you aim and shoot it. Just DO it.
Just do it- The time you waste not doing it can never be regained. Just DO it.
Just do it- I know you can’t fail if you don’t attempt but you can’t SUCCEED either. Just DO it.
Just do it- Your kids are growing up. They aren’t waiting for you to grow up before they do. Just DO it.
Just do it- Throw away the charts. Toss aside the schedules. Eradicate the formulas and JUST DO IT.
Did I mention that you need to just DO it?
Day 36. (Monday) Watch your children. Do two of them clash more than the others? Why? Not just “Joey picks on Frankie and then Frankie gets mad and hits Joey and…” Go deeper. Observe. Is there a third party instigating something? Is there an unapparent “gang up” thing going on? Does one have a legitimate complaint but feels like he’ll never get anywhere? Do you let things slide because you just can’t deal with it?
You know, from the outside looking in, I’ve seen a lot of things that those living in the family missed. I distinctly remember one family who had a series of boys just a little older and the age of our girls. The dynamics were interesting.
Boy 1 was the oldest. Boy 2 was often paired with boy one but never lone. It was either N or N & M but never M. M was also academically brighter than N. However, M was held back so as not to make N feel badly. I always wondered why the parents couldn’t see how bad this made M feel. It wasn’t malicious or deliberate… it was an attempt to do the right thing without seeing the whole picture.
Behind N & M came C & J. C & J picked up on M’s frustration… he had no niche in the family. Areas where he could excel were squashed and he was visibly frustrated in life but even he knew none of the frustration was deliberate. C & J would pick at M. M knew better than to get involved. “Don’t let it bug you… just let it roll off.” You could see it in his face. But the little guys would keep going. They knew he had a limit and how far they could push it. They also knew exactly how to make that final nudge look like it wasn’t their doing. They were expert teasers. Eventually M would lose it, lash out, and then you’d hear mom calling, “MMMMMMMMM!” He’d be stuck on the couch for an hour or so while the little guys got to do whatever they wanted without his interference. Mom never did see that goading that I did. It’s so much easier to see things from the outside, and of course, it might not have happened when I wasn’t around. Having extra people in the house could have changed their dynamics. The kids were smart but not smart enough to realize that hiding from mom wasn’t enough if another adult was around. I saw it and I got it. BTW, all kids grew up to be fine young men and have great relationships. Whatever happened when we were there, something happened to make it work out beautifully when we weren’t.
So, are there things like that going on when you’re not watching? Can you put a recorder up in a room and watch to see what the root is?
Today you watch. Keep guard over your own tongue, don’t let the kids get away with anything you’ve been working on, build their strengths if the opportunity presents, catch em doing right, but other than that, watch. Take notes. Get help. Ask in the forums here if anyone has ideas what could be the root. And eventually, you’ll see a pattern. That pattern is what you want to find.
Day 37. (Tuesday) Did you identify your root problems with sibling relationships? Do they mimic any problems you have with your husband? That’s common you know? Do they sound like you in your interaction with your children? Do you cringe when their tone is identical to that “tone” you hate of yours?
Today, your job is to nip each thing you can the second it starts. A child groans or grunts at another child. Someone’s octaves start climbing. A look crosses a face. STOP IT. Step in instantly and say, “Woah there. I see that look. It means trouble. You’re getting upset and you’re going to do wrong.” The child will probably start instant justification. Stop him. “I didn’t ask for your defense. Hush.” Then turn to the next child and say, “What did you do to provoke him?” (If you didn’t know. If you DO know, tell him what he did. It is so irritating for people to ask you what you did when they know what you did. It’s one thing to do it as a lesson when the problem is a rare thing but when you’re going to be addressing a lot, just cut to the chase and do the Socratic questioning thing when you’ve overcome the bulk of the problem. Get to the nipping!
Day 38. (Wednesday) How did it go yesterday? What worked? What didn’t? Today you are going to pray for patience and the Wisdom of Solomon. Isn’t that what most child-like arguments are like? Pray hard. Don’t stop working on problems but PRAY HARD. If you have a clock with Westminster chimes, use those chimes as a call to prayer. That’s what church bells originally were you know. A reminder for everyone to pray. Keep working… don’t quit. But pray. You need to remember that you can do nothing without Jesus but through Him, you can do every single thing that He’s called you to do. Just. Do. It.
Day 39. (Thursday) Today is hard. Be prepared. You’re going to go to the child who clicks the least with you, whichever one butts heads with you or the one you don’t think quite knows how wonderful you know they are… which ever it is… and you’re going to ask them a few difficult questions. You can do this. Are you ready?
-
- “I’m sure you know in your head that I love you. Does your heart know it?
- “When do you think I am unjust?” (Explain the difference between unfair and unjust. They need to know that if fairness is attainable, you usually do try to achieve that but your primary concern is that you are JUST.)
- “Do I keep my word?” Be ready for a surprise. I’ve never been able to guess which children would answer how. I am always SURE I will know… and then when I’m wrong I remember… oops! I’m never right on this one. At this point, I think I just over think it trying to be right for once!
- “What is one thing that I could do to show you that I’m on your side?
Remember, your children know in their heads more than they feel in their hearts. You don’t want to train hem to rely on their feelings as though they are true. They’re real, and shouldn’t be trampled thoughtlessly but they need to learn that truth is often obscured by emotion and feelings are fed by emotion. I’m not into the validating thing where every feeling needs to be acknowledged but neither am I so callous as to pretend that what is in your heart can hide what your intellect knows to be true. One is going to feel like a lie if they conflict and most people will listen to the heart rather than to the brain.
Day 40. (Friday) I think after yesterday, it’s a day to recuperate. After all, you need to assess what you learned yesterday and see what you can do to change things. Tread water today. Ponder. Think. Don’t try to maintain momentum but don’t sink either. Just keep on keeping on. For the day.
Day 41. (Saturday) Ok, another toughie. Time to ask hubby where he thinks your weaknesses in parenting lie. Are you too tough? Too wimpy? Inconsistent? Blind to one child’s faults? Find a way to ask your questions in a way your husband won’t feel put on the spot. Some men like to be grilled and then it’s over. Others like to just answer a question at a time. Some don’t want to answer questions directly if it feels “loaded” so they avoid topics. Think about your husband’s personality before you do it but find out what he thinks. It’ll help you with your plan of “attack” next week.
Day 42. (Sunday) Day of rest. Keep maintaining. Keep on keeping on. Don’t try to go forward but pray about what you’ve learned. Write down your concerns when they arise but don’t look for things to write down. Rest. Be still. You know He is God. Let Him speak to you in the stillness of His Word.
A couple of years ago, we saw the movie, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Seemed like a dumb name to me but the movie was enjoyable and had a sweet plot. Of course, like all “teen movies” it focused on all the drama and “coming of age” things that those movies tend to capitalize on.
What it didn’t do was glorify foolish actions. In the first movie, one young woman tried to find happiness by chasing a guy and then tossing her virginity. Why did I let my older daughters watch it? Why watch something so absolutely unedifying and clearly not glorifying to God? Several reasons.
- They didn’t show it. You had no doubt what happened but you weren’t an eyewitness. I don’t care to watch that kind of stuff.
- They didn’t glorify it. Quite the contrary- they showed the reality of teen premarital sex. It’s not all that Hollywood usually makes it out to be. Makes out. Funny. They showed the girl hurting after her decision. They show her grieving and alone. It’s beautiful in its bittersweet sadness. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that Jesus could wash the pain and loneliness away.
- Repentance. The guy took advantage of a hurting young girl and then showed up to apologize.
So, when the second movie came out, I was afraid of it. The girls were in college now. They’d surely lose this theme. I expected more of this behavior but without the redeeming virtue of showing the downside. I was wrong.
Yes, this movie treats premarital sex as a norm. It’s not so much that “everyone does it” as it is “ok if they do.” Immediate consequences follow. Instant panic over a contraceptive failure leaves the character scared, feeling vulnerable, and realizing that there are consequences to actions.
Do I recommend the movie? Well, if you enjoy Gilmore Girls type TV shows, this movie is definitely one you’d probably enjoy but I am always cautious about recommending something with an obvious subplot that contains something so wrong- even if it is dealt with beautifully.
I’m just so tickled that Hollywood finally showed the other side. We wanted to stand and cheer. It was a similar feeling to that scene in Raising Helen where Joan Cuzak confronts her niece and boyfriend after the prom in a hotel room and gives them a tongue lashing for their stupidity.
Day 29. (Monday) What is the one thing that you CAN do today that would tell your children that you are on their side? Would it be showing mercy? You’ve banned all movies, video games, series books, board games, bicycles, or whatnot from the house for some reason or another. Perhaps they were careless. Perhaps they were irresponsible. Maybe they were defiant.
Declare a “Day of Jubilee.” This is the day where you get up in the morning, set the kids down on the couch, and read them the passage from the OT that talks about the Year of Jubilee. You then close the Word and explain what it means. Then you say, “You earned this consequence by your behavior. However, I am declaring a “Day of Jubilee” for all infractions. The board is wiped clean. I am doing this because sometimes I think that we all forget that we’re on the same team. We’re going to do xyz today. Make it something that shows you’ll sacrifice your preferences for their happiness. Let them see it.
Day 30. (Tuesday) This is where it gets both easier and more complicated. You need to move into child three/C. You need to keep your eye on A and B as well as focus on C. BUT… we also need to start addressing little things that can add up to those camel back breaking straws so you’re going to have to do this on your own or just maintain the other two and work on Child C-Z after the 56 days are over. We’re over half day done!
Ok, so now we’re going to work on tone. Today, listen for your tone and your children’s tones. Most likely, they mimic you more than you think. Do you have any idea how many parents whine at their children? Then they’re surprised to hear their children constantly whining at them. Are your children hyper critical? Did they get it from you? Talk to them. Show them where you sound wrong and where they are echoing it. Call it “Vocal Awareness” day and feel oh so politically correct. Whatever it takes to kick your butler in gear!
Day 31. (Wednesday) We’ll continue with vocal-ity. Continue to watch your own tone and their tone with you but your main focus is to catch them as they’re speaking inappropriately with each other. I mean mid-sentence! The child starts off either too harsh, too loud, whining, whatever at a sibling and you jump in before the third word gets out of their mouth. “Stop. Should you say what you’re about to say? If it shouldn’t be said at all, stop now. Walk away and decide not to say what shouldn’t be said. If you should say it, change HOW you say it. Lower your voice, soften your voice, and remember that there is a person there. Family. They should get your best and most loving, not your most hateful. Try it again.”
Day 32. (Thursday) Catch them speaking right. Yep. That’s it. For today all you do is catch them speaking right. Catch them often. Catch them even if it means that you compliment how they correct their speech at your instruction. Catch them.
Day 33. (Friday) Day of fun. Yep, it’s just a day of fun. Maintain but find SOMETHING fun to do WITH them. Read a book, play a game, tell them a story about when you were little, or even watch a movie! Whatever it takes. Bake cookies. Play hide and seek. Build a fort under a table and read books and eat popcorn under there. If it’s too hot outside, turn on the cooler full blast for half an hour and have a popcorn fight. Just air popped corn. Vacuum up and go back to your normal life but DO SOMETHING FUN. Something that says, “mom is glad we’re a part of her life and wants us to have happy times.”
Day 34. (Saturday) You’re back to tones. Today though, watch YOUR tone with your HUSBAND. Do you show your respect for his position in the family by your tones? Do you speak hastily? Do you interrupt him? Watch yourself carefully. Whatever you do, don’t quit working with your children but watch yourself. Closely. If you’re brave, ask.
Day 35. (Sunday) Day of rest. However, whatever you do, don’t lose your careful work on tones and words. Don’t have roast preacher for dinner on the way to or home from church. Don’t have broiled gossip either. Keep criticisms between you and the Lord. Maintain.
You know the old drill. People graduate and have “Commencement” exercises. Beginnings. New directions. For the homeschool mom, nothing could be more true.
Alas, I must confess, I didn’t realize the full impact of that until yesterday morning. Saturday Morgann asked for a “High School Transcript.” I didnt’ do one of those for Challice. I had her records, of course, but I didn’t summarise it in a transcript. There was no need. Morgann had a need.
I pulled out my Homeschool Tracker software and went to work. I cringed. I cried. I wanted to scream. (I hadn’t used it the whole time she was in high school so we’re talking a huge undertaking- or so I thought. I considered crying, but it’s just not my style.
So, I decided to save time and just create my own in Word. A few tables and voila. We’d be sitting pretty. I decided to get an online picture so that I could be sure of the best placement for all my cells and such. I found this. Home School High School Transcripts.
I’ll be honest. When I saw the title, I almost didn’t click. Too often things billed as “for homeschoolers” or “by homeschoolers” are folksy and unprofessional. I was prepared for disappointment but I thought if it showed an example, I could still create my own, so I clicked. The cost was low and it sounded more professional than I had expected. The example shown looked perfect and the “customizable” thing sold me. I mean, 12 dollars to save me an hour or two was WORTH it. Especially since time was of the essence.
Why am I impressed?
- I received my document QUICKLY (less than 30 minutes after purchase)
- My question was answered promptly and courteously even though in my haste to ask it, I was a bit terse.
- It was easy to use even for this Excel-challenged mom.
*Note to the other Excel-challenged moms of the homeschooling realm. Don’t delete rows until you’re all done. Thought you oughtta know.
Buy it. Use it. Love it. Ahh.
Day 22. (Monday) Focus on child closest to “B” in your family. Do all the same steps you did with Child A. What talents does he seem to have? What are her strengths? Are there interests that he has that you’ve put off developing? Think through everything about that child that you can. Write them all down. Any ideas that come to mind, write those down too. The tricky part is, now you are working on Child A… you’re not leaving him behind. But, you’re also trying to notice B. Catching everything B needs and is, is very important. You need to be able to focus on all of your children simultaneously at times. One hint: Jesus was very good at focusing on “the one before him.” When he was helping the woman at the well, he gave her all of his available attention. He wasn’t trying to help all the women nearby. He didn’t call them over and ask them about their lives too in order to “maximize” his ministry. Focus on the child before you. If the other kids are playing a game and the toddler is in need of you, give him all of your attention. Don’t be looking or listening for the errors of the others unless it happens to be why they’re playing that game in the first place. 
Day 23. (Tuesday) Ok, today you’re going to find child B’s biggest area that needs redirection and focus on it. Just like you did with Child A, you’re going to catch every occurrence of whatever “sin” is his particular problem today. If he whines, you’re not going to miss a single solitary instance. (Well, you will but you’re going to work like you won’t). If he’s a thief, you’re going to make sure he gets plenty of opportunity to steal and you’re going to catch every single one of them OR you’re going to make sure he doesn’t get any chances to fall. He can’t steal anything no matter how hard he tries. Whichever way you want to make your focus, you’re going to do it.
Conversely, you’re going to catch him doing three things right. Make sure you get at least three things that he did right. If that means that you say, “I’ve noticed that every day you get up on time,” then so be it. Catch. Doing. Right.
Day 24. (Wednesday) Keep working with Child B but today you’re back to watching your tongue. You’ve been under a lot of stress. It’s hard work parenting. You have so much to do every day that it’s easy to let the irritants have a voice. Yours. It’s time to put the breaks on that again. Smile where you can, don’t let those kids get away with anything that they shouldn’t… but watch your tone. Exaggerate the gentle firmness if necessary. Speak slowly and clearly. Speak softly (soft for YOUR voice, not soft for the average person. If your voice is naturally soft, go softer… just a bit. If it’s naturally loud and crazy… the proverbial Italian or Greek “out there” voice… soften it a bit.) ENUNCIATE. Make every word be something you should say. Put aside all sarcasm, all whining (parents whine at their kids just as often as kids whine at parents in some homes, did you know that? Listen to yourself and make sure it isn’t you!), and defeat. Speak with the “law of kindness on your tongue. If necessary, be the kindergarten teacher that never loses her cool- even when she’s dying to. Don’t give up the ship of Child B but add in control over self.
Day 25. (Thursday) Again, help Child B succeed. Don’t give up on Child B’s main weakness. Keep a close watch out for it. But today, you’re going to focus on his strength. Give him something TO do that will make him a success rather than always drilling in what NOT to do. If he has a strong sense of justice and you’re usually harping on him to quit tattling, quit trying to control the sins of others etc, then find a way to channel that in a good way. Show him how God has made him is GOOD and it’s just how he’s using it that is wrong. Let him pour out that sense of justice in a cause that can truly benefit something and isn’t self-righteous. Have him write letters to congressmen on behalf of the unborn. Have him write notes of encouragement to soldiers. Have him be a referee for outdoor games with the rest of your children… whatever you can come up with that utilizes your child’s strength in a positive way. Find a way to do it, and help him see how a good thing (justice, decisiveness, tenacity, etc) can, when used selfishly or improperly, be a bad thing (glorying in other’s disgrace, impetuousness, stubbornness etc).
Day 26. (Friday) Today is a maintenance day. Keep the plates spinning. You’re trying to smile more. You want to control your tone and your tongue. You aren’t letting Children A and B get away with anything, you’re encouraging their strengths, AND… you’re keeping up with the other kids. They’re not relegated to the back room to be brought out when the first two have improved relationships. Noooooooo this is important stuff here.
Remember. You have nothing better to do than these children. Nothing. Dinner isn’t more important. Organizing that closet isn’t more important. Doing your scrapbook, reading your book, or watching that movie is not more important. Present yourself a living sacrifice to your Lord. Sacrifice self on the altar of obedience and “Train up” those children “in the way” they ’should go”.
Look, I know this is hard work. I know it sounds like a lot. It is a lot. But you can do it. I’m not asking you to do anything that God hasn’t already commanded. I’m just the reminder. The nag. Do it.
Day 27. (Saturday) Ok, it’s time to work on that thing. You know, that thing that drives you crazy. Maybe only one of your children do it, maybe they all do. What is it? What are you tackling today? What is your plan of attack? Ask for help. Get input. But do it. Today is your day to strike the first blow against whatever it is that is hurting your relationship with your children.
Day 28. (Sunday) Day of Rest. Smile. Tone. That scripture that says, “He remembers their sins no more…” Well, how about a day where they don’t hear once about their past mistakes. You get a rest from working for the most part and they get a rest from mom being “historical” about their errors. If that isn’t a problem for you, GREAT. You get a bigger rest and so do they!
I love the national anthem of Scotland. There is nothing that stirs my heart like the haunting wistful skirl of the bagpipes. I must confess these things before I continue.
I’ve never seen anything so funny as Greece, Kenya, Australia, Zambia, Mexico?, and other seemingly unrelated countries marching in the parade of nations to the tune of Scotland the Brave on the Bagpipes.
Is it just me or is that the most incongruous thing? Fortunately China managed to march to Chinese sounding tunes.
Now for the torch.
Then bed.
Maybe they’ll play Scotland the Brave as I go to sleep.
if they don’t, I can. I have the Ames Brothers doing “My Bonnie Lassie”.
I’ll meet her at the shore
Playin’ the pipes for her.
Dressed in a kilt and a tam o’ shanter too
That’s why the drums are drummin’
That’s why the pipes are hummin’
My bonnie lassie’s coming, coming to me!
There was no line. This isn’t uncommon at the “self-checkout” at our Albertson’s. I swiped my groceries (party stuff for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics tonight), and paid. As I pulled my sacks from the kiosk, I noticed a quarter in the change return. I’d used a debit card so I knew it wasn’t mine. No biggie, I handed it to the self-check helper and continued to load my groceries as the woman went off to help someone else.
Then I saw it. A twenty-dollar bill in the tray of the next kiosk. Someone had gotten cash back and forgotten to take it. I hurried to get it and looked around for the person who had just left. A man assured me it was the woman who was pushing her cart out the door. I raced after her. She shook her head. No, she hadn’t gotten cash back. I took it back and wandered around the kiosks looking for anyone who might be looking for it. Finally the helper woman returned and I handed it into her. The man was now certain it was some other person and helper gal thought she knew who he meant.
Nothing major. I had a strange thought as I reached my car. It had taken me at least five minutes to realize that I wasn’t surprised that the woman I asked said the money wasn’t hers. I mean, to hear friends in other cities talk, that wouldn’t happen in a lot of places. If I hadn’t taken it myself, whomever I offered it to probably would have. I don’t know.
I’ve lived here so long that I don’t have any experience with a “real world” that is like that. My real world has people who are honest more often than not. As a matter of fact, they’re honest so much that we never think about it until someone says something.
As I mulled this over and unloaded my cart into my car, a woman stopped me and said, “I just want to tell you how nice it is to see people being honest.”
I misunderstood. My immediate reply was, “I was just thinking about that! I am so much more surprised that I’m not surprised that she said it wasn’t hers.”
I just realized that she meant me. How funny.
You know, I like it. I live where we’re not so jaded as to assume the worst about those around us. That’s a beautiful thing.
Tired. Weary. Exhausted.
Weak. Failing. Wilted.
Overwhelmed. Overworked. Underachieved.
Uncertain. Unwilling. Uninspired.
Daunting. Wavering. Confusing.
Must trust.
Must hope.
Must continue.
Will conquer.
Will succeed.
Might die trying.
