You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July, 2008.
We grew up. We got married. We had children. We taught them to eat, to crawl, to walk, to talk, and to say please and thank you. We taught them right from wrong and that Jesus loves them.
Then we taught them to read and to write. We taught them to add, subtract, multiply and divide. They learned to tell time and tie shoes. They learned that God is also a God of justice as well as mercy. They learned the Bible and how to sing praises to God.
They learned to deny the flesh and tell a friend no when tempted to do wrong. They also learned how to repent when they didn’t say no to their flesh. They had good moments and bad but we’re proud of them. They worked hard- maybe not as hard as we think they should have- and graduated from high school. They’re adults now.
Do we treat them like it? Have we ever given them a chance to make the wrong decision? Have we ever let them feel the effects of a dumb move? Do we rescue them from themselves before the full weight of their plans have hit?
Or worse, did we abandon them the day they turned 18 and left them scared and wondering what to do- never feeling like they can ask our advice or for our help?
Where is that balance? We have a generation of radically educated children who are entering adulthood. They’re really the second generation of children to graduate… the first are now homeschooling their own children. These kids rarely wondered if mom and dad were going to get in trouble for homeschooling. They didn’t worry about extra-curricular activities unless it was to prune down the choices.
Some families aren’t giving their children much guidance. They figure that they “raised their kids right” and it’s time for them to stretch those wings. Other families don’t seem to understand the concept of adult “children” in the home. I think it is time for a balance.
What both sides of the spectrum need is to understand how to live “moderately” in this arena of life. Our adult children ARE adults. We exasperate them if we try to keep them living as children doing “childish things” now that they are “men.” On the other hand, we’re to bear one another’s burdens. The older women are to instruct and disciple the younger women. The younger men are to look up to he older men and one presumes, learn from them.”
How effective is our parenting if we fail to prepare for them to stand on their own feet? What better place for them to do that standing than while they’re still “in our kitchen.” Do we really want to keep them in a “walker” as long as they’re in our house and then shove them into their own home without the walker? (Terrible example but you know what I mean.)
I have an eighteen year old daughter. She’s been making most of her own decisions for almost two years. She checks with us on everything but unless it’ a BAD idea, we don’t interefere. So far, we’ve never said NO but one or two ideas we did point out weren’t something we could agree with. She opted not to do them after further thought. I was really happy about that and, I confess, feeling quite smug until that sinking feeling in my stomach that said, “Would you be just as supportive and loving if she chose to do what was contrary to your preferences?”
Frankly, had I not thought of that BEFORE it happened, I can’t guarantee I would have. I would probably have had a LOUSY attitude- at least at first. If my child opted to SIN- to make a choice 100% contrary to scripture (marry an unbeliever, commit fornication and/or adultery, show disrespect for authorities in her life etc) then, no I can’t support that but I can still respond with love and without treating her in ways I’d never treat a stranger much less my adult child.
I hear wives repeatedly pleading for husbands who will “love them as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Yet, I also hear those same mothers who refuse to live with their adult children in “an understanding way.” Instead, they continue to treat those children as though they’re still dealing with a twelve year old. A child old enough to really help around the house but still kept vulnerable to the whim of their parents.
I think that one of the most important things is to define terminology such as honor, respect, obey, submit, and other terms that we toss around when discussing these topics. If we aren’t careful, we’ll find that what we have is adults who are perpetual teenagers.
We’re the parents of the leaders of the church and our communities of tomorrow. If we want them to embrace those roles, we’ve got to let them TRY. We have to treat them like the adults they are. We wouldn’t want our parents to dictate our choices, we really need to show the same respect for our children who are now coming into their adult “own.”
I’m here in Modesto. I’m shopping at booths for books. It’s cool. I love book shopping. As you well know if you’re a homeschool mom. There was this book I wanted- By Douglas Bond. Thought you’d wanna know.
Anywho, I couldn’t remember the name of it. I found it when I was on my way somewhere else and then couldn’t find it again. So, I came back to the room and whined. It went something like this.
“I didn’t find that book! Remember that one by Douglas Bond? I can’t remember the name. Now they’re closed. I’ll have to just buy one the old fashioned way.”
What?
For the record, I wasn’t joking. It was an automatic statement. I’ve come to the place in my life when buying online from Amazon or something is “old fashioned” and buying in person is “novel.”
Gives new meaning to a “novelty.”
Continuing… I hope this is encouraging to someone!
Day 8. (Monday) Ok, so a new week begins. Are you ready? Read your lists. What stands out as a constant trend? Do you see that exhaustion causes you to wimp out of your parenting? Does it make you harsh? Usually, the areas we need to work on are connected to one “root.” Find your root! Once you’ve found that root, figure out what you need to do to keep it watered and fertilized. If exhaustion is the issue, how can you avoid it? If you are sleep deprived, how can you try to minimize that? If you don’t do well in clutter and your house is a mess, follow along with the clutter bugs and DECLUTTER so that you can function. Whatever it is that is messing with your ability to consistently handle the day to day rearing of your children in a pleasant and loving manner, find it so we can fix it!
Day 9. (Tuesday) Plan some spontaneity. You read that right. Plan for what you can do when you have the ability to be spontaneous. Spontaneous people do not just fly by the seat of their pants with absolutely no provision. If they are people who just get up and take trips… they have the clothes to do it, the funds to pay for it or at least the credit to use! (we won’t talk about the wisdom of that!) If you want to have fun spontaneous times with your kids, you have to plan for them. You have to have the “must dos” in line so that the “can dos” can happen. The ingredients for meals need to be available. The supplies for your ideas must be at hand or you must have the time to go do them.
For example, let’s say you want to take advantage of a nice late spring evening and have a picnic. You don’t know what day your husband will be home in time, how the weather will be, or what your schedule looks like, but if you don’t have anything in the cupboard to do a picnic, what’s the point of even trying? If you don’t know where the Frisbee is, the ice chest is filthy, or where you’d try to go, what’s the point of wanting to be spontaneous when you can? Whether it’s a tea party with your girls, making sling shots with your boys, or “chocolate breakfast” ala Jenna on a morning when you wake up with the energy to actually do it, you have to plan. Make a plan.
Day 10. (Wednesday) Listen to yourself. Are you critical? Do your children know exactly what you think of the decisions of everyone in your life? Do they mimic your condescending tone as they mention that Johnny down the street plays video games or that Aunt Sally has a baby and isn’t married? Do grieve over sin or do they turn their noses up at those who are not perfect? Do they think that they can’t do anything right? Do they wince when they hear their name?
Beverly Bradley talks about how one of her sons always had a bit of a raised vibrato on the end of his name. Do any of your or all of your children relate to that? “Johhnnnnyyyyy!” “Sallllyyyyyy!” FRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Keep listening. Write down what needs to change. If you find yourself saying things like, “That’s a good try but-” and “I’ve shown you a thousand times!” write it down. It’s time to emulate that which you want them to do. How do you want your children to speak to your grandchildren? Do you want them to be direct? Syrupy? Harsh? Surely not. You don’t have to be fake- no one likes a phony person- but you can decide the parts of your persona that you don’t want to exist so that you can start eradicating it from your life.
Day 11. (Thursday) Stop for a moment. Take a deep breath. Is there a child most likely to be the next kid in trouble? Start watching. Your job? Catch him or her doing something right. Even if the right is choosing not to do wrong! Catch them. They need to know that you see the efforts they make. If it takes ALL DAY, find something they did right and make sure they know you saw it.
Day 12. (Friday)Teach respect. Respect isn’t something that “is” or “isn’t.” Respect is something that you choose to do. Sometimes it is easy, other times it isn’t. Sometimes respect is earned and others it is just given. Today, talk about people to whom we show respect even when they aren’t always “respect-ABLE.” Talk about how wives respect husbands, children respect parents, people respect police officers and show respect for the president because of his office. Talk about how people treat people to whom we should show respect. We keep our tone calm and deferential. We don’t argue, even when they’re wrong. Whatever respectful behavior you want your children to show, you need to – tell them, show them, and be very sure to model it. Today your job is to make respect the song of the day.
Day 13. (Saturday) Look at your lists. Are there things you’re avoiding? Why is that? Are you avoiding them because you know how much work it’ll be? Are they areas that unsettle the balance of your home? Sometimes the familiar is more comforting than the unfamiliar even when we don’t like the familiar. It’s time to pull out the big guns and plan a strategy for Monday. Pick one area that you need to work on. Just one. Make it something you can cross off that list. We’ll pick it up on Monday.
Day 14. (Sunday) It’s a day of rest. Do it. Rest. Just relax and enjoy your children. Do whatever you usually do on Sundays but don’t make it another day of constant correction and changes. You all need a break. However, there is one little bitty assignment. You know the mad dash before church? People are getting ready, Susie has soemthign in her hair and you’re going to be late and hubby is getting irritable and… Do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. But do something to help prevent it before it happens. Get the kid’s clothes out and ready, find a SPARE pair of shoes for that child who always loses his shoes, whatever it takes. Be ready for when that irritable temptation begins.
“What’s the difference?” you say. Well, I’ll tell you. Nothing- and everything, depending on who you are and what you’re doing. For some, they’re synonymous. Some school and happen, in the process, to educate. Others, however, educate, they don’t school.
My definitions.
School: v. To teach or train.
Educate: v. to develop the faculties and powers of (a person) by teaching, instruction, or schooling.
We all school our children when we “home school.” Do we educate? I confess, I generally school. This year, I want to educate.
Which would be more successful and interesting to you as a person. Being schooled in something or being educated? I’d rather be educated.
For example. To school a child in Early American Colonial History I can fork over a book and say, “Read it and we’ll have a test on Wednesday.” There is nothing wrong with schooling my children this way. It’s no sin, and frankly, sometimes it is necessary. However, if I can EDUCATE them… if I can whet their appetite not only for the basic facts but for truly understanding life at that time, their goals, their passions…. As a student, which would make the process more interesting and which would likely produce a lifetime interest in the general topic of history?
That’s my goal this year. Education, not merely schooling as much as possible.
It’s quite simple to make. I don’t know why I don’t do it more often. Well, I lied. I do know. I always assume it’s more work than it really is. So, here is Fried Okra in all it’s simple glory.
Ingredients:
1 Bag (or 2 or 3) of Frozen Cut Okra now defrosted. (It helps to use defrosted okra rather than fresh so you can help the coating stick well.)
Pour into a gallon sized zip lock bag…
1/2 cup of cornmeal
1/4 cup of flour (to be honest, I just pour some of each and try to get twice the cornmeal to flour)
A few shakes of salt
A few shakes of pepper.
Zip and shake.
Add the okra. Zip and shake again. Lay aside.
In a large skillet with a lid, heat a small layer of oil (fully covered bottom plus a smidge). When the oil is hot, scoop the okra out of the ziplock bag with a slotted spoon. Cook until one side is browned and crispy, turn over. Keep the pan covered except for the last 5 minutes or so.
Fairbury Tales is a blog I started for a book I’m working on that, while I love it, is not exactly marketable so I thought I’d share it via a serial blog! Please check it out if you enjoy Christian fiction and by all means, let me know what you think!
I was reading Nancy Wilson’s blog today and this sentence popped off the page and slapped me upside the head. (She really needs to teach her words some manners.)
Women are to exercise and express their faith in God by many means, one of those being how we dress.
Isn’t that the crux of it though? How do we want to glorify God with what we wear? Is it a prairie muffin styled jumper with a platter collar and big bow at the back of our waist length hair? Is it a pair of plaid capris, and a babydoll top with a t-camisole under it for extra modesty? What about a pair of comfortable jeans and a flannel shirt? Maybe make those jeans a full jean skirt- or a straight one. Boots or sandals? Cut and styled hair or simple straight long locks? However we choose to dress, we either glorify or bring reproach upon our Lord. What’ll it be?
As for me and my children, we’re striving to glorify the Lord.
One of the things I love about the book Are Women Human? is the logic with which she supports her arguments. She doesn’t rely on emotion or supposition and she doesn’t start with a faulty premise to begin with. She takes a situation, applies sense and reason, and then shows where we so often grasp at straws rather than see something in its entirety and without ignoring scripture.
The following passage is one fine example and since it is quoted all over the internet, I decided to share it as well.
Let me give one simple illustration of the difference between the right and the wrong kind of feminism. Let us take this terrible business – so distressing to the minds of bishops – of the women who go about in trousers. We are asked: “Why do you want to go about in trousers? They are extremely unbecoming to most of you. You only do it to copy the men.” To this we may very properly reply: “It is true that they are unbecoming. Even on men they are remarkably unattractive. But, as you men have discovered for yourselves, they are comfortable, they do not get in the way of one’s activities like skirts and they protect the wearer from draughts about the ankles. As a human being, I like comfort and dislike draughts. If the trousers do not attract you, so much the worse; for the moment I do not want to attract you. I want to enjoy myself as a human being, and why not? As for copying you, certainly you thought of trousers first and to that extent we must copy you. But we are not such abandoned copy-cats as to attach these useful garments to our bodies with braces. There we draw the line. These machines of leather and elastic are unnecessary and unsuited to the female form. They are, moreover, hideous beyond description. And as for indecency – of which you sometimes accuse the trousers – we at least can take our coats off without becoming the half-undressed, bedroom spectacle that a man presents in his shirt and braces.”
Yep, seventy years after she wrote these words, we’re still discussing whether pants (trousers… such a nicer sounding word btw) are acceptable attire for godly women. And, if that wasn’t enough, one of the biggest arguments is still that it is a feministic attempt to “be like men” rather than a reasonable decision based upon the needs of the wearer. I’ve often used the example of climbing a ladder as a way of demonstrating that sometimes it is definitely more modest to don a pair of jeans than to wear a skirt. You wouldn’t believe how often the reply was, “If you can’t do it in a skirt, you shouldn’t do it.” Hmm. That’s a nice sentiment but aside from not being scripturally mandated, it is also ridiculous in reality. So, my family should suffer through 115 degree weather because I cannot climb a ladder and reattach some part of our swamp cooler blown off in the wind?” Trust me, if my husband was home, he’d do it. If I had a son old enough to do it, he would. But twice in 20 years I’ve had to climb up there and both times, while I hadn’t put on jeans in years, I put them puppies on in a flash and did the job.
When my health went south last summer/fall/early winter (what a nightmare!) I was relegated to a recliner. I wore my skirts. I tend to do that. I happen to be one who prefers to wear them and prefers to see them on my daughters. However, sitting in this chair, sometimes my feet needed to go up to give my back a break and encourage circulation. So i’d put mmy feet on the edge of the recliner footstool thing, my knees would go up, and my skirt would cover nothing. Even long skirts didn’t do the job. I put on a blanket when I could but eventually, I bought me more pants. I needed something decent for the chair.
Anyway, the point Mrs. Sayers is trying to make is that assertions that women are only wearing pants because they want to be like men are just as ridiculous as stating that men only wear neckties because they want to be like women. “Women have always adorned themselves with bows and things. Men just adopted the practice and masculinized the look and tying of them.” How ridiculous that sounds and yet the reverse argument is supposed to be reasonable and solid evidence against women wearing pants.
This isn’t an argument, by the way, for or against trousers for women. I’m not making that assertion, and neither is Mrs. Sayers. I don’t think she cared two whits what you wear and I know I don’t. The example is used to show that assumptions about motive are not only illogical, but incorrect. The point of the entire passage is that we focus so quickly on a method that we can assume we’re violating a principle that wasn’t even in question. When a woman wears pants, the assumption that she does so in order to make a feministic statement about her philosophical opinions is ludicrous. The same is true of whether or not a woman wears a skirt. Who assumes that a Scotsman in a Kilt is secretly denouncing his masculinity? Why then, must the reverse be true?
I think one could sum up Mrs. Sayers point by stating that majoring on a method can find you playing baseball on a basketball court.
A group of us at Hearth Keepers did this and I decided to share it here. You never know when someone might need a bit of encouragement or help. I’ll post the next week’s stuff every Saturday for the next eight weeks so that you’ll have a couple of days to go over it. I hope it’s a blessing. I sure kicked myself in the butler with this one.
Fifty-Six Days
For the next eight weeks, you’ll need a small notebook. You want something you can fit in your purse and take everywhere. You’ll also need a pen that is with it at all times. You don’t want anything to be an excuse not to do your assignments.
Day 1. (Monday) Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Your goal is to observe your children all day. If you’d normally correct behavior, by all means, do it now but don’t start worrying about new problems to fix. Just identify them. Write it down. Something like
John- Disrespectful expressions when he doesn’t like my answer/direction.
Sally- Whines for what she wants. Other kids seem to give in to quiet her.
Mary-Tantrums around nap times. Need to de-stimulate her earlier.
Just keep the list running all day long. Write down your areas too. Things like.
When I’m tired, I tune them out.
I ignore behavior when I don’t want to deal with rebellion.
I dread naptime.
Whatever needs changing, write it down. Even things as simple as, “We need to bake cookies more often.” Or “The children need more frequent baths.”
Day 2. (Tuesday) Keep up yesterday’s lists but today your focus is smiling. Every time you walk past a mirror, smile. Every time it registers that your child is looking at you, smile. Smile at them when they get up, smile at them when they go to bed. Smile at them from across the table. Smile. Smile. Smile. If they misbehave and you have to correct them, once it’s over and you’re going on with every day life, put your hand on their shoulder and SMILE into their eyes and say, “I love you.”
Day 3. (Wednesday) Keep up the lists if you happen to notice something. Don’t not write it down because “that was Monday’s work.” But it isn’t your main focus. If you have to choose between writing it down and today’s task, skip the writing down business.. Try to remember to smile but again, it’s not today’s focus. You’ll focus on that again next time. However, today you are going to work on your tone. If you do nothing else today, keep your tone as level and even as possible unless there is a reason to be absolutely thrilled or if your child’s life is in danger. (danger of irritating you doesn’t count!)
Do not allow yourself to be discouraged if you fail. You’re going to fail. You’re going to get an irritated tone, raise your voice, whine, whatever it is that you normally do. If you want to be REALLY brave, for the first half of the morning, record yourself. Then listen to every single word you said. Did you whine when your child tripped and spilled his plate and glass all over your freshly mopped floor? Did you snap when your child forgot how to carry in addition even though he’s done it for three years? Did you issue directives with a tone befitting a drill sergeant in the army?”
Day 4. (Thursday) Ok, so today you’re going to do something completely different. Yes, if you see a problem to work on, write it down. Smile as often as you can remember. Don’t forget to try to control your voice. However, today it’s about prayer. Turn every irritation, frustration, excitement, and joy into a prayer. Appeal to the Lord when your child rolls his eyes at you. Beg for the strength to be consistent and discipline him. If he takes out the trash for his brother, praise him and the Lord for the gift of such an encouraging thing! Anytime you have a moment alone, PRAY. Ask for wisdom. We’re promised to receive it! Ask for an infusion of agape for your children. Praise the Lord for His mercy and goodness. Meditate on scripture about loving these gifts!
Day 5. (Friday) Today is reminder day. I want you to write down as many truths about parenting, children, and such that you can think of. Do it on index cards, slips of paper, whatever you need. Hand write them. Don’t use a computer. You need that cognitive connection. Write things like
Parenting isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon.
I can’t expect them to excel the first, second, or fifth time they try.
God gave me these children as a blessing, not as a punishment.
Every negative trait has a positive possibility.
My responsibility doesn’t stop with instruction. I must follow through.
Day 6. (Saturday) Observe again. It is time for you to pay attention to what Dad does that makes them “hop to” or “get away with murder.” Dads tend to be one of two types. Either they are E.F. Hutton types, or they are marshmallows and the kids run wild when he’s around. Figure out why. Is he consistent? Never consistent? Does he have their respect? Their disrespect? What is it about him that causes the response you think the Lord desires from your children? Find those things. Emulate them. Write it down. “When he says no, they know he means it. I must leave the impression I don’t. Why is that?” Take all the notes you need in order to have a game plan later.
Day 7. (Sunday) It’s a day of rest. Do it. Rest. Just relax and enjoy your children. Do whatever you usually do on Sundays but don’t make it another day of constant correction and changes. You all need a break
Life is good. I’m physically still not up to par but I’m so much better I feel like I MUST be up to par. The recent fires around here ensured that I was stuck back in my chair. However, half a week in the mountains cured that. Rains have ensured that I don’t get worse again anytime soon. YEEEE HAW.
I’m working hard on our school schedule for 2008-2009. The kids hover around my chair looking at lists and wondering what we’re doing to do next. Lorna is going to do pre-k and K. WAHOO. Oh joy. Have I ever mentioned that I despise teaching little kids? UGH. Oh well. It’s good for me.
Modesto is next weekend. We go to the Valley Home Educators Convention every July- the last weekend of the month. My friend Carmen, her daughter, my girls, and I always drive up Friday morning and register at a hotel. The last two years it was the Doubletree and we’re going back there again this year. It’s much nicer than the other fleetrap hotel we stayed in and is so convenient. I’m planning my expenditures, my late night snacks, and the fun Carmen and I will have goofing off until the wee hours!
Sunday is my birthday. I’ll be thirty-eight. It’s entirely possible that half my life is over! Have I lived my life or have I just existed? I think I’m a live-er rather than an exister- for the most part anyway. I’ve been married for almost 20 years, have 9 children, 2 grandchildren, and a son-in-law. What a blessing! Do I live like it’s a blessing? I wonder. Do the people who know me, know how much I value the people in my life? I wonder.
I have goals. My Vintimagery blog has a lot to say about what I’m doing around the house right now and my Fairbury Tales blog is the first step to finding a publisher for my books. My goal is to have someone accept Alexa by my 40th birthday. I also hope by then I’ll have some of the other areas of my life back in order.
So, that’s about it on the “me” front. I’m better at sharing my bizarre mental processes than actually sharing “self” but i thouht it might be a good thing to get in the habit of doing so I’m trying it.
