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Shakespeare called jealousy ‘the green eyed monster’; an appropriate description of the garden variety of that emotion of envy that is so strong it renders us foolish. I’ve seen grown men act like a boy who lost his first baseball game, and women who never lost the junior high propensity to try to make themselves look good by their catty attacks on others.
It’s never pretty. Courtesy disappears. Truth becomes unimportant. Everyone is familiar with the results of jealousy. There isn’t a person on this planet who hasn’t suffered the effects of ‘the monster within’ both as the guilty and the innocent. Even infants show signs of jealousy within months of birth.
The cause of jealousy is varied and, at times, comical. A child’s personal insecurity manifests as jealousy when his sibling gets some gift or privilege he perceives as his right. A man desires a promotion and loses out to a colleague. A woman falls in love with someone and discovers his affections lie elsewhere. It’s all too common but it’s all rooted in envy and pride. Envy of what another has; pride in assuming it is our right to have or do as we wish without regard for others.
I’m not generally of a jealous temperment. I’m not sure if that is good or bad. There are good qualities that can, when twisted out of control, become ugly and wrong. Things like determination, the desire for excellence, and concern for our reputation. I think people who are sensitive are more easily prone to jealousy and that would definitely explain my general lack of it.
I’ve never been very emotional or sensitive. This has it’s benefits of course. But no one, even the most stoic of mankind is immune to pain and therefore, jealousy. When I am cut, I bleed. I may have thick blood that clots quickly but I still bleed. Everyone does. Some are more anemic than others but they are still human, they still suffer.
If someone suggests you are jealous, how do you respond? The response is crucial to the truth of the ascertation. What was your immediate reaction. That first gut response? Was there that flush of anger? Did you feel bewildered? Did a chuckle escape before you could stop yourself? The result is everything. If there is any hint of irritation or anger, unless the person making the assertion is a repeat offender, the anger is likely an indication that the assertion is valid at least on some level.
In the adult world, jealousy comes out in the most interseting of ways. I used to do craft shows. The crafters are, as a general rule, quite friendly with each other, but inevitably there is someone who makes a verbal assault on a fellow craftsman. Someone will have incredible sales on their new item. It doesn’t matter what it is, a special birdhouse, some new kind of wallhanging, or a new way of creating ‘wearable art’. The green eyes appear. You’d assume that those making the least amount of money at the show would be the culprits but not always.
The rumors start flying. “She copied that. I saw it at the show in Timbuktoo three weeks ago.” Yeah, sure. The successful crafter managed to create dozens of specialized pieces in less than three weeks. Sometimes the rumors come from a different route. “Anyone can do that… she’s just a ‘big name’ around these parts so she can command prices we can’t. It’s not worth it to us to do it.” or maybe… “It’s easy to do . She just redid what was popular ten years ago with different materials. These people are stupid for paying that. I could make it for half and still get a profit. It’s all about name.”
What is sad is that the guilty ones have no idea how jealous they do sound. Their insecurities play out in an ugly way and like spitting in the wind, they’re the final target. We’ve all done it. We’ve all allowed our insecurities and pride to make us look like the fool we want to expose in others. In the end, we pay the ultimate price.
Yes, you can damage another with your jealous and petty accusations. Yes, you can permanently affect their reputation. But in the end, you will be found out. It happens. It always happens.
There is only one cure for jealousy and the havoc it creates. Confession. One short little word. Confession
I’ve always been both amazed and amused by conspiracy theorists. I mean, it takes someone with intelligence to create a credible sounding conspiracy theory. It takes time and imagination, and a lot of hard work. Kind of like what it takes to be a clothing designer. You put part of who you are into things like that.
However, while I realize that there are conspiracies out there, I don’t believe they are nearly as prevalent as the theorists would have us believe. Then again, who can blame them. If they don’t believe their own theories, their creativity is wasted. If they don’t create their theories, their creativity will shrivel. It’s really a dead end situation unless they choose a new outlet for their creative energies.
Now a theory usually has a beginning in something that is at least remotely sustainable. Let’s say that I have a theory that President Bush is trying to get everyone to wear only blue jeans. I have to have SOMETHING to base this theory on or it is just a proposterous postulation. So assuming I heard Bush say something about jeans being more comfortable and how they’re such an “All-American” garment, I could think that maybe he really likes them. Then, if my mind swirls around enough, I can realize that on his ranch and when he’s in casual settings, I’ve seen him wear them. Maybe I saw him loosen his tie a bit or something. This would be a beginning to a theory about his preference for them but it’d be quite a stretch to assume he was pushing it on the rest of America.
Oh… but let’s say I heard a quote from a reporter who says, “President Bush’s answer to the question ‘what should the schools require for the kids then?’ was ‘Make them wear jeans and work their debts off’.” I might be outraged and start my theory. No more cute printed twill capris for our little girls. No sundresses or smocked gowns. Nope. This country is about blue jeans. President Bush is trying to make a national uniform!
Now, what happens if I take my theory and run with it? I call the White House and demand to speak to the President about his blue jean agenda. They laugh me off the phone and I scream ‘cover up’. Many different scenarios come to mind as to how I could be further convinced of my theory even though nothing could be further from the truth than my theory.
I could resolve the whole thing by simply calling the reporter in question. “I’d like to confirm President Bush’s comments about wanting the American children to wear blue jeans. In what context did he make that statement?” One of two main things would likely happen.
1. I’d find out that the topic was how to stop juvenile delinquents of wealthy families.
or
2. The reporter, seeing my foolishness, could have some fun with me and either refuse to answer or give me more ambiguity to wrestle.
Assuming the latter, I would be wise to call the White House and ask to speak to someone about a statement that the President made that you’d like clarified. The clarification would be made and another aimless conspiracy theory would be stopped before it created damage. Can you imagine the man hours gathering petitions against the government intrusion of our wardrobes if someone could actually convince anyone that this was remotely in the works? Think of the work that boycotters have done to stop certain things with the FCC that were never an issue!
The majority of conspiracy theories begin with a faulty premise, too little research in the right direction and too much in the wrong. They are short on questioning the people who can either truly verify the facts or clarify them, and long on that creativity thing.
Wouldn’t it be an amazing world if these people spent their energies writing books, painting, sculpting, teaching, designing, and living?
1. The real Chautona does not have a clone. (Although I wish I did!!!)
2. The real Chautona yells at her children, ignores necessary housework, and gets snippy with her husband.
3. The real Chautona is not dresses only, but most people in our town don’t know that.
4. The real Chautona doesn’t like to homeschool and wouldn’t do it if she didn’t have to.
5. The real Chautona lives QF as a personal conviction/preference but does not believe it is Biblically MANDATED. (Biblically supported YES)
6. The real Chautona doesn’t schedule her time wisely on a consistent basis, and while CAN be organized… isn’t always.
7. The real Chautona forgets to do what isn’t automatic, but rarely forgets what she has already done. (This includes bill paying) (Pregnancy doesn’t count)
8. The real Chautona occasionally has debt to pay off, and knows what real debt looks like.
9. The real Chautona sews too much, reads too much, talks too much, and is just as self-righteous and sinful as the next woman.
10. The real Chautona watches movies, old and new, listens primarily to oldie moldie ’secular’ music, and doesn’t like organs, flutes, or Chopin.
11. The real Chautona writes fiction, reads fiction and doesn’t mind if either of them includes moderate romance as long as there is more to the story than just the romance.
12. The real Chautona has days (albeit rare) where she ignores her children’s poor behavior, loses all control, and calls her husband home from work with threats of “if you don’t get here soon, I might not be here when you get here.”
13. The real Chautona loves a good joke, enjoys a funny story, and doesn’t take herself or life too seriously.
14. The real Chautona wrote bootcamp for a REASON.
15. The real Chautona loves the Lord, her family, her friends, but is just as snippy, irritable, irascible and frustrating as the next woman.
16. The real Chautona says it like it is, doesn’t apologize for standing on her convictions, and doesn’t expect less of anyone else.
17. The real Chautona doesn’t have it all together, doesn’t know much of anything, and would love to grow up someday… but doubts it’ll happen.
18. The real Chautona hopes you’ll like her for who she is, not for what the Internet tends to portray her to be.
Time is one of the most highly prized and least valued comodities in our lives. We often treat it as if it was limitless until we don’t have it anymore.
In many ways, time is like money. Once you spend it, it’s gone. However if you spend it wisely, or invest it in the future, you can reap large rewards. If you spend it frivolously, it’s gone. Forever. Without investment into our future, or trading it for assets today, we burn time much as we might burn our paychecks when they arrive.
A new mother is suddenly initiated into the world of sleep deprivation because she isn’t allotted the same amount of time she once had. Those eight hours of sleep are often cut in half in the first few weeks of her child’s life. Those hours can’t be increased. You can’t ‘buy more time’ as a general rule. So often, because a new mother’s life is so busy with unfamiliar and time consuming tasks, she foolishly ignores her need for sleep and works through nap times to make up for ‘lost time’. In the money world, this is called being penny wise and pound foolish.
Not all time spent is that complicated. Quite often, we are given our daily allotment of time, we spend it, we get the next allotment, we spend it, and while we may not increase our ‘net worth’ by the use of our time, we don’t misuse it to our detriment. It’s kind of like the child who gets 10 dollars for his birthday from grandma. It’s quite common for them to want to rush to the store in their eagerness to ’spend their dollars’. They pick out something, because they can, and eagerly purchase it. They’re happy. They got their item, money spent, and next year grandma will send money all over again. Yes, they could save the money over the years and have enough to purchase something with lasting value by the time they’re 18, but it wouldn’t be THAT much of a stretch.
But what I keep thinking about is that like children with their spent birthday dollars, it’s gone. They can’t change their mind and spend it in some other way. They have to live with the consequences of how they spent it.
Time can be like that. If you spend it on something today, you don’t have that time to do other things. I love to read. I literally could read all day. However, at the end of my life, there will be many other things I could have done that I didn’t do. I opted to spend my time reading. I can be obsessive about how I clean my home, or I can be satisfied with realistic clutter control and keep the filth away.
I own a message board. Most of the time, the board is self-governing requiring little moderation but pruning and membership issues take a long time. For several years, I did almost all of it myself. About a year and a half ago, I realized that I was spending many hours of my life doing administrative work on a board that I didn’t personally need. I didn’t want to close the board; many of the ladies are dear friends and often have no other fellowship in their lives. But, I have to say, I was getting burned out. There were things I wanted to have time to do that the board prevented. I appointed moderators. Then, I appointed more. Over the last year and a half, I added eight or so moderators, one who handles ALL the membership issues. This one thing alone has freed up hours of my time. There is simply less for me to do. I can disappear for a week or two and all is well. If I need time off to work on something else, I don’t wonder if everything is ok.
When I gave up my main business to sew exclusively for eBay and favorite customers, I was so relieved. This freed up hours every day of work that was time consuming but not profitable and had become unrewarding. When I work faster and more efficiently, I have more time to do the other things I haven’t done.
Sometimes, we take on a time commitment that cuts our time for other things way back. It may be a committee for the town or at church that consumes our time but let’s face it, in most of our lives, there is a period of time that gets ‘absorbed’ by things outside our normal lives. Vacations, a class we need to take, or helping out during a crisis can mean that those close to us find us not as available as they generally can expect. During these times I’ve been known to get a call from my mother “I have this phantom daughter…” or an email from a friend “are you ok? I haven’t heard from you in a while”. My message board inevitably has a few posts… “Chautona, you ok?” And when I allow my priorities to get out of whack, I’ve even heard my children say , “Mom, when will this be over?” OUCH.
The great thing about those seasons though, is when they’re over. That sounds terrible and like they should be avoided. I don’t think that at all. But you suddenly have memories of a great time (Lord willing) and a marvelous BLOCK OF TIME that you can use in other ways now.
This is where I often fail. I get that block of time back and I don’t budget it well. I’ve never been very good at budgets but I’m still determined to learn. At times like that you get a fresh slate. You can visit with old friends, and connect with acquaintences you wanted to get to know better. You can read the kids a new book or find a new movie to enjoy together. New projects around the house are possible again… unless one of those projects becomes another time robber but that’s a topic for another day.
Time. We get regular allotments of it. If we spend it one way, we can’t use it another. If we stop the waste of time in one area, we free up time to spend in other areas. It’s exciting. It’s energizing. Time. It does a life good.
There are rudimentary social skills that we all learn at a young age about how we conduct ourselves away from our own nest. When we enter another person’s home, we give silent agreement to their rules. If there is a ‘no soliciting’ sign on the outside of the door, it would be rude for us to urge our children to buy candy or Girl Scout cookies. If there is a corny ditty about not smoking, we don’t. And, if we know that in their home, swearing is inappropriate, we watch our language.
I teach my children that when we are at someone else’s home, if their rules are different than ours about things, we either follow their rules or we go home. It may be ok, for example, in our house to get water without asking. Other families may require that you ask for any food or drink. It won’t hurt them to ask for water so they do it.
We know some families who only allow children who have reached the ‘age on the box’ to play the game. This ensures the liklihood of being able to play the game without adult supervision and saves time and hassle for the mother. We don’t allow our children to go to their home and say “well I can play this at my house”. They play by whatever the rules are where we go no matter how silly or foolish we think it is. If the rules are burdensome or unjust, we have been known to cut a visit short and leave.
How rude it would be, if a host asked that we not discuss politics or religion at their party in order to avoid those controversial subjects and we complained. We are enjoying their hospitality. They are taking their time and resources to host this event for us and we have the audacity to ignore the simplest request of us. Is there nothing but religion and politics to discuss anymore? Honestly, I happen to love both topics but I can find a dozen other things to discuss!
I’ve been in situations where people have shown little to no regard for the ‘house rules’ at gatherings. Plates and drinks have been carried out of eating areas in spite of repeated requests to the contrary. Carpets have been stained but worse, relationships and reputations were ruined.
I think sometimes our new casualness isn’t the ‘easier more comfortable’ road that we all thought it would be when we shluffed off the restrictions of overt formality. Now, instead of worrying about pesky things like RSVP’s or thank you notes, we get to worry about nonsense like courtesy and respect.
Our family loves scrabble. From the old fogie parents like Kevin and I, to our teens, tweens, and toddlers. From the moment a child knows an A from a Z they want to play.
Clearly, a student who can barely read is a lousy speller and doesn’t know a proper noun from a participle. The “no proper nouns” rule is clueless to them. If they see their sibling’s name on their tile ‘pew’, they want to use it. When the littles are playing, until they have a few years of spelling and grammar under their belts, we allow proper nouns. It’s against the official rules but it’s a little thing our family calls ‘grace’ and we allow it at times like this.
Another ‘house rule’ we play with a lot is that we use 9 letter tiles instead of 7. We do this because it’s easier to find a word when you have 9 tiles and they fit on the pew so we go for it. I’m generally the resident score keeper, dictionary, and helper. The “referee” so to speak.
My job is to approve words, rearrange tiles to help a little one find a word without giving them the words, and in general, make the game fun for everyone playing.
Occasionally, I’ll notice that an older child is avoiding a name. I’ll remind everyone that we don’t have to avoid proper names this round. Sometimes, a little one feels cheated when I say that but I remind them that they’re used to playing by official rules and we’ve changed those rules to make the game easier and fun for them and it is wrong for me not to remind those who are used to playing by official rules that they CAN do something different.
Sometimes, the older children will get frustrated that the board is getting clogged with 2, 3, and 4 letter words (of the innocent kind of course!). At this point I go around the board to see if I can find any words that are nice long ones to open up the playing field. If I find one, I sit back down and say, “I found a seven letter word on a triple word score” or whatever the facts are. They decide together whether having fun with the game is important enough for me to give that information.
This does have a disadvantage of course. If the one with the good word is an older child, they’re likely to see it and be able to play it even if the consensus is no. But this is how the game is played. We have the rules this way because otherwise it’s a frustrating game for this wide age discrepancy. They agree, when they pick up their letter pew, that they’re to handle themselves well if the rule changes put them to a disadvantage.
Occasionally I blow it. I make a word call that is wrong. I think a word doesn’t exist that does or does that doesn’t. The child counter challenges me and we look at it. I admit I was wrong and we move on. I’ve been known to forget that it’s SEVEN tiles that you have to use for the 50 point bonus not NINE. The rules are, you watch how I score in case I do forget. It’s your job to let me know if I forget a bonus or something. IF someone remembers that another player got a 50 point bonus and didn’t receive it, I’ll often grant the bonus anyway. Someone piping up like that is a good thing and I want it rewarded.
So what is the point of all of this? Sometimes we play games with altered rules. When we first started playing Scrabble this way, we had to modify the rules until we got them clear cut. We didn’t know how things worked in real play so we even had to change mid game a few times but we got the bugs worked out and it plays well now.
When people disappoint you, look at their history. Did they blow it? Do they have a history of it? Is it possible that things are not how they seem? What about those around you? Do they have the same problem with the person that you do? What do they gain by their actions? Did it benefit them in any way or is it truly a flub? And finally, if you are so angry and bitter as to feel the need to attack, is it really that they are untrustworthy or is there some other reason? Can it be possible that maybe you’re blowing something way out of proportion?
Finally, if you really think the person you’re having trouble with is truly doing something wrong, have you asked them? When my children think I made a bad call, they ask. “Mom, I don’t understand why you did that. Now they get to-”
Sometimes they’re right. I don’t always like to see I’ve botched it but that doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to. But othertimes, there is more to my decision than they could immediately see. Sometimes I can make them see that, other times I can’t. But because they have a lifetime of me being just about my decisions, they don’t assume that I did what I did to deliberately hurt them.
I like to think that if my children can show this kind of maturity, the majority of adults can too. I sure hope I’m right.
Have you ever met someone like that? Someone who has it all ‘down’ as to how every other Christian must behave? There is a definite method to their madness and the world is going to hell in a handbasket for not following their fabulous formula?
Have you been that person? I know I have. The older I get the more firmly I am convicted of my weakness and failures in the Lord and the more grounded I become in the WORD rather than in my interpretation of the Word.
I am a self-proclaimed pharaisee. I LOVE rules. I am happiest when you give me a list of dos and don’ts and expect me to follow them religiously. But, just as with children, if all we have with the Lord is a list of regulations to adhere to, we’re not investing in a relationship.
Rules are necessary. The Christian life is not free from rules. Then again, neither is the non-Christian life! No one, Christian or non is allowed to murder. It’s against the rules. We’re not allowed to steal or slander either. It’s against the laws of our country as well as our God. I’m NOT trying to downplay rules.
However, there is more to our relationship with our children than rules. We talk with them. We play with them. We bless them with gifts because we love them. We forgive their failures and we, if we are wise, rejoice to see growth both physically and mentally/spiritually.
I want my children to grow beyond just taking my word for something and begin to investigate things for themselves. I want them to find something that they think I’m wrong about. I know I’m wrong on something! I’m not perfect. I want them to bring that to me. I want to discuss it. I want to examine my heart, the Word, and my actions. I want to see them own our convictions unless we’re WRONG. Then I want to see them own their OWN convictions. This is good. This is right.
The same is true of me and my own convictions. I was so certain that so many things were mandates in the Word. I thrive on that kind of thing. But the Word gives us few mandates and many principles. Have you ever noticed that God told women to be modest without specifying what garments and of what fabric to use? (One could argue the non mixing of fibers but you know what I mean) Have you ever noticed that God told men to provide for their families but never told them that it is a sin to be an entrepreneur or an employee. He gave those decisions to us.
There is more to the Christian life than in avoiding this bad thing or doing this good thing. It’s about JESUS. It’s about falling on our face before the Lord God and being broken before Him. It is about HIM and not us. Our ‘righteousness’ are like filthy rags! Our little methods of spiritual superiority are pathetic and sinful.
Yet, we’re called to be holy as Christ is holy. We are called to workout our salvation with fear and trembling. We are called to show our faith by our works. We are not called to a laissez faire relativist ‘if it feels good do it’ kind of faith. We’re called to the true faith. One Lord, one faith, one baptism. One God in all and through all!
How can we as the church focus on the Word and in serving the Lord in everything. Making every moment of our days be a service to Him without focusing on ourselves and our own righteousnesses. This is the real crux of who I want to be before the Lord. Not looking for an excuse to do what is ‘right in my own eye’ but also not looking for pietistic attempts to look good in His eyes either. I just want that sincere brokenness of ‘none of self and all of Thee’
